Through the Eyes of God
by J. Finch
Summary: In a post-Third Impact world, Shinji Ikari is faced with the full weight of his failure, and the consequences of his actions. Lillith takes pity upon him, and offers him that great second chance, the chance to make it all right, but can he?
1. Chapter 1

Shinji…

Eyes opened. The echo of that maddening whisper flared around him, scraping at the edges of his mind with it's wicked tendrils, the tone akin to that of a thousand sultry whispers.

Shinji…

Alone in a world gone mad, where the very foundations of the human soul poured out across the ruined landscape of dead gray and the oceans of orange sediment, did that singular word tickle the wisps of his mind. In it promised the salvation of eternity, and the damnation of one. Like the whispers of a dark goddess, or a devil of light, did it touch the core of his very soul.

Shinji…

Like the caress of a lover did it come, licking at his bare, exposed flesh, leaving a trail of pleasure and pain, as if liquid fire had been poured over his entire body all at once. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before, beyond any earthly, natural experience.

Shinji…

A sense of self returned, a sense of wholeness in a place in which all were one, and yet, they were none. In a world kissed by a crimson sky and the crucified bodies of ashen giants standing from the great orange ocean, like an amalgamation of twisted trees amongst the ruins.

Shinji…

The world came into focus, and then out, into a maddening array or colors that existed both within and without, beyond the perceptions of the mind and therefore inconceivable, in a madness of flashes and hues.

Shinji…

A body, melded with his, a woman of unearthly beauty, of unnatural horror, in which all of the most terrible, most wonderful experiences could be shared. Her arms were his, as she towered over him, her legs and waist vanishing into his, melting into his, seamlessly, perfectly, as if the two had always been fused. Flesh ran to flesh, their heartbeats as one.

Shinji…

In her eyes, in his eyes, reflected a the existence of all, of none, a thousand screaming souls trapped within that singular being that was they, and of them, one, and all, and none.

Shinji…

A whisper, her lips moving, her mouth opening, to reveal a loving smile _a fanged grin_ and forming words of love _of lies_ reaching down, slowly, with those great, glimmering eyes, those crimson orbs that desired to drink him in _swallow him_ and accept him _consume him_.

Shinji…

Wait. The thought seemed so foreign, so incongruent, so… _and she smiled, her face_ **contorting** _with her glistening lips _**wicked fangs** _in order to kiss him _**consume him** _and she said, with the softness of a lover's whisper_…

Shinji…

And in her caring eyes, did he see it. Blood, rivers of it, the contorted faces of those he knew, wrapped in eternal torment as their flesh lie flayed from their bones, all born under a great eye of blackened gold, watching them burn and _laughing_**crying** gleefully in a hell of his own making, where their bodies lie raped and violated, and hung aloft by the whole of their own being, faces contorted into the most maddening of masks.

Shinji…

And his own eyes lie watching, ripped from their sockets as rusted hooks tore the very fabric of his soul asunder, leaving tattered strips of his flesh to hang from his muscles.

Shinji…

Bleached crimson, he saw, lost in the hell that was he and which was all an amalgamation of his very being. Impossible angles and incongruent shapes, warping the very space they reside in, with numbers beyond comprehension burning into his still beating heart, engraving those dark symbols into his body_mind_**soul**.

SHinJi…

And her lips met his… and the whole of that hell, of all hells, came pouring into his body, his mind, and his soul, his flesh rotting**growing**_burning_ as his eyes saw the very essence of that incongruent, impossible shape, rending asunder what little innocence still resided within.

shInJI…

And then, he saw, what couldn't**wouldn't**_shouldn't_ exist. An abomination of all that he knew, torn asunder and left ravaged and left to consume him.

ShINji…

Warped, that wicked creature of hellish beauty ripping the flesh from his lips and consuming him with it's crimson eyes, stealing his mind and rending his soul.

Shinji…

And like in a moment of eternity, did he glance up, past the wicked veneer of the one who sought to consume him**HER**_it_THEY**we**_US_. And he saw the most beautiful flowers, drifting down from heaven, their petals falling like the virgin snowflakes of his childhood, bringing him to peace, stealing away the horrors of his hell and resting against his naked skin.

Shinji…

And he glanced forth, the world melting away into absolute nothingness, into a world of black walls and white ceilings. And in that world of pure contrast, his eyes finally opened.

Shinji…

Is my name. Who are you?

I…

Am Shinji…

Then who, are you?

Shinji…

I am…

One…

Man…

Human…

Shinji…

Alive…

Whole…

And with that, the eyes of He Who Had Forgotten opened.

Lillith…

Is my name.

I am…

Lillith.

No…

I am…

How…

The one…

Shinji.

Yes…

They are…

We are…

Whole…

One…

And with that, the eyes of She Who Had Remembered opened.

In that instant, all became clear, all became one, and then, one became many.

It is…

000

For the first time, for the last time, Shinji opened his eyes. Before him, a world, twisted into an enchanting, haunting beauty, the grass beneath his feet both soft and sharp at the same time, digging, caressing his bare feet. The sky above hung over him with a mix of rich blues and dead grays, drifting, swirling, together into an almost artistic rendition of clouds, the wisps of white intermingling with the bleeding of blue. And before him, the world stretched out, its inky tendrils coveting the endless plains, framed by the great mountains in the distance.

And as he marveled, he saw it. From all directions, in all lights and shadows, a child. With crimson eyes and silky blue hair, she stood before him, naked, exposed, her gaze burning into his. And with this, did he realize that he too, stood naked, stripped of all that hid and covered him, leaving him exposed, alive, in a world where nothing but truth resided.

And when he met her eyes, when he finally found it in himself to gaze back into those endless depths, did she speak.

"Shinji."

And with that, he realized that he was Shinji.

His mouth opened, allowing a single word to escape.

"Lillith."

And the child nodded, smiling at him with a most innocent grin. Her crimson eyes sparkled with unfettered joy, meeting those of the wary Shinji, the child who held all in his hands, the Third, the one whom had been chosen as the God of this new world.

In that instant, the boy, the One Who Had Forgotten, began to understand the circumstances behind just where he was, just what had happened. In that moment, it all began to rush back to him, the images of all that had come into being, all that had culminated into his christening. He saw the great titans of man, those known as Evangelions, and what they meant to the whole of the human race. He remembered those ghastly creatures known as Angels, all seeking to unite with the presence known as Adam, the Destroyer, and Lillith, the Creator. He remembered the faces of all of those who fought beside him, those whom he had called friend and ally. He remembered the faces of his enemies, those darkened beings known as SEELE and his twisted, deluded father.

And he remembered the End.

"Third Impact."

And at those words, with his beckoning, he watched, again, from the Eyes of God, just what had lead up to his rebirth, to the rebirth of Lillith and the end of his people, his race, as a culminated whole. And from it, was born a world where all stood as one, and one as all, each held by the God known as Shinji.

With all of his phenomenal power, all of his unending strength and omnipotence, he could but fall to his knees and look out over all he had wrought, eyes wide with unshed tears. His home, his Earth, was a wasteland, a dead world where nothing but the oceans of LCL and the grey, broken ground lay. Nothing existed, from the smallest bacteria to the largest mammal, nothing stood, nothing, for an eternity and beyond.

And for this fact, he wept. It was not beyond him to realize that this Hell, for it was a Hell, existed because of _him._ It wasn't beyond him to know that all those he cared for, all those he loved, were gone and dead, because of his own inability, his own failure. He had taken it all and dashed it against the ground, burning the earth and butchering it's people.

And Asuka…

He knew of her fate, of her pain and her suffering, and her life, lost in trying to buy him the time he needed to end the nightmare and save them all. And he had tossed it away. Her ultimate sacrifice had been in vain, wasted, like so much of his life. Bound by his cowardice and lost in his grief, he had let all of this happen.

This world was his. And he couldn't stand it.

As he wept, the creature known as Lillith drew close to him, and wrapped her arms around him from behind. It did nothing to assuage his tears, but that familial comfort drained away the tension and despair in his soul. She whispered to him words that were impossible that couldn't, shouldn't exist, that could not be understood by mortal ears, but still understood, and as impossible as it was, he began to calm.

What felt like hours passed, the two immortal beings sat entwined in a most silent embrace, one weeping for his failure, and the other comforting him as a mother would a small child.

"How did I let this happen?" he finally whispered, after an eternity had come and gone.

Lillith answered with silence, only wrapping her arms around Shinji tighter. The boy, lost, pondered his own question, and for a time. He pondered and thought, lost in the culmination of what he knew to be truth, in what his own actions were, how he had failed, and how he had run. He thought for many hours, his mind clouded with the thoughts of what he had done, and what he had failed to do, and slowly, but surely, he began to realize something.

"I was afraid." he uttered, his tone a whisper on a nonexistent wind.

At that, Lillith spoke, finally, in a most caring tone.

"Was?" Like thunder, the word echoed through the vast nothingness that was the Earth. It took Shinji some time, but he eventually nodded.

"I am afraid."

And Lillith smiled, her warm embrace encompassing him wholly. One of her hands drifted to his head, and proceeded to stroke his brown hair gently as they sat.

"Of what?" She wondered aloud. Shinji did not move, did not speak, for but a moment.

"I am afraid, of being hurt." He said, his tone tired.

"Yes. You are. But now, nothing exists that can hurt you." She said in her hauntingly innocent tone. The boy in her arms sobbed at this revelation. It was everything he had ever wanted. Everything he had ever feared.

Absolute loneliness.

"I wanted this." His tone was one of betrayal. He had betrayed himself, and sown this nightmare. Now he was trapped in it.

"Yes. You did." Lillith said back, her hand still drifting through Shinji's hair.

"I… I let everyone down, didn't I?" He asked sadly. Lillith didn't answer. She didn't need to. Shinji already knew the truth.

"I let her down." It wasn't a question as to who Shinji referred to. A girl with crimson hair flashed in his mind, so beautiful, so radiant, so alive and unafraid. He loved her, he knew. He loved her in a way that had left him so terrified that he was unable to even comprehend it. And he hated himself for it, for that weakness. She hated him too, he knew, for that weakness.

And now it was too late, far too late, to fix things.

"But it's not." The voice of Lillith came into his mind, invading it, encompassing it. For the first time, he let his head drift up, to meet her gaze with his, and ask that which he could scarcely find the words for.

"What… what do you mean?" He stammered out, his eyes full of fear, and full of hope. As impossible a hope as it was, he was compelled, driven by his pain and his regret, driven by his absolute failure, to wonder how he could fix it all.

Lillith's mouth opened, but the words echoed through his head as each soundless vowel left her ashen lips.

"This is does not have to be the end, Shinji." That hauntingly childish voice echoed, "For this is but one path that you have taken, one road in thousands. It did not have to end this way."

"Then how? How do I fix this?" He croaked out, his voice already tired from speaking in such harsh tongues. The hope in his heart and in his eyes grew, if only so slightly, as he brought his hands to rest upon the shoulders of the Creator.

"Tell me, please… tell me how I can make this better!" His voice pleaded, his eyes awash with unshed tears. Lillith smiled at him with all the love o a mother to her child.

"You alone have the power, to go back, back to the beginning of things, to walk a new path as assuredly as you have the old. As one of my Children, as one born of Lillith, you may if you so wish it. Do you?" Her words rang through his ears, through his heart, his body and his mind. In him came an impossible hope, an impossible joy. The chance to fix things, to set things right.

"Yes." Was all he could say, and her eyes shifted to glance at something so very far away, as if she were looking at the very future itself. And there was a great sorrow in those eyes, a great and wrenching sense of loss.

In that instant, the world that was ceased to be, and as if someone had hit the great Rewind button, the decay of the land began to slowly recede. The grey earth became green and supple once more, as the orange of LCL and human sediment faded from it's seas and replaced it with the placid blue of water. Rubble became buildings again, and the fire in the sky faded away, leaving nothing but an endless, cloudy horizon as far as the eye could see.

And Shinji, the once-God became mortal again, the world around him born anew. He shut his eyes, one last time, the memories of what was to come firmly engrained within his mind, and a new sense of hope, of desire, filling his heart. From that, he drew strength and confidence, and in one fell motion, he found himself garbed as he was that first day, fresh off of the train and awaiting the good Major, who was still but a Captain.

In the distance he could hear the warning sirens, announcing that first harbinger, framed by the explosions of countless munitions as the United Nations combined military fought to stave of the beast that was known to him as Sachiel, the Price of God. To all others, he would be known as the Third Angel, and the first of the monsters that spelled the Apocalypse of Man's World.

Around the farthest hill did it emerge, that massive amalgamation of flesh and bone. Thirty stories tall, it's top-heavy body was the first thing Shinji saw, surrounded by VTOL Fighters that were pounding it with their machineguns and rockets, all to no avail. The boy would have laughed at the scene, if it wasn't so terrible. Sachiel stood against the onslaught, it's proud form all but ignoring the massive volley of bullets and missiles pounding on it's frame, it's spherical crimson core standing out in against the black of it's stomach, four massive ribs poking out around it, as if trying to encase it within their bony structure. It's mask, so bird-like, stared out at the U.N. forces before it raised a singular, three-fingered arm and letting loose with a beam of pure energy, lancing through one of the jets and exploding out into a wicked cross.

Shinji could only sigh. He remembered how afraid he'd been when he'd first seen that terrible creature, that thing called an Angel. He remembered the fear, the panic, the loss of self and confidence. Now… now he couldn't help but feel a sense of nostalgia. These early incidents had been nothing compared to the nightmares that had unfolded during their later bouts. They had caught them all unawares, then.

_But not this time. Never again._ The boy thought grimly, his face settling into a cold frown. _Never._

**Ah, but what if you **_**can't**_** fix things, Ikari? What if it all falls apart? What will you do then?** A voice egged at him, from the back of his head, it's voice dark and foreboding and full of lies and cowardice. It's tone was mocking, doubting and cruel. Shinji blocked it from his mind and squared himself.

Those few nagging words were brushed away. He didn't, _couldn't_ listen to them, not when there was so much at stake. Instead, he focused himself, and opened his mind to the events that would so shortly follow his arrival. Though patches were blurry, he could remember the bigger events.

And he had to figure out how to work around the worst of them. The dropping of the N2 mine was doubtlessly unavoidable, and he was still at a loss for how he would handle his father, but one fact stood out above all others. Unit-01 went berserk last time, and nearly killed Toji's sister, Kana. He would _not_ let that happen.

Lost in his thoughts, the boy barely registered the fact that the VTOL Fighters, those which were currently (and ineffectively) battling Sachiel, began to near. It wasn't until one crashed nearly in front of him that he began to take notice. For a moment, just a moment, Shinji's throat caught, and he felt a pang of fear. A moment of doubt.

_What if Misato doesn't get here in time?_ Shinji silently wondered.

**Then you fail, and die, and then everyone else dies, of course. **Came that wicked uttering again, and again, Shinji crushed it under an overwhelming sense of guilt.

His fears were for but naught, however. Misato's car screeched to a halt before him, and he didn't even have to wait for her cry before almost diving in through the open door. As he caught his breath, he took a second to glance back, only to see the great Angel's foot come crashing down onto the gunship, causing it to detonate and sprinkle the area the boy had resided in only moments before in razor-sharp flaming shrapnel.

He sighed, relieved. Things were happening according to his memories, all but one thing. In a moment of cold realization, he found that, where as that first time, he had seen Lillith watching him, her astral projection taking on the shape of Rei, this time, she had been nowhere. It shook him a bit, to have missed that crucial instance, but he crushed those fears under that same sense of guilt that dominated his mind.

In a moment of shock, he realized that he had missed what his wayward guardian had said to him. He shook his head, and looked to her. A stray thought noted that she looked so happy, so alive, and he smiled at her for it.

**She smiled like that when she bled out all over you, too, Ikari.**

That thought shook him, and the smile fell from his lips, but was quickly lost as Misato waved her hand in front of his face.

"I'm sorry, Miss Katsuragi, what did you say? I was… lost… in my own little world for a minute there." He recovered, dully, noting her grin and knowing that he would be hearing all kinds of daydreaming cracks from her in the near future.

"Chyeah, no kidding, kiddo!" The older woman chuckled, her voice so light. "I said, Hi, I'm Misato Katsuragi, and you must be Shinji Ikari. I'm right about that, right? I didn't pick up the wrong person, did I? I'd hate to have to toss you out now." Shinji chuckled at that, and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Um, yeah… I'm Shinji. It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Katsuragi." He smiled, knowing that she hated being called that.

As if on cue, she replied with an airy tone, saying, "Please, call me Misato. 'Miss Katsuragi' makes me feel so old! I don't look old, do I Mister Ikari?" She threw in, digging at the boy and making him offer her a slight grin.

"Of course not, Misato. Please, you can call me Shinji." His tone was light and soft, genteel in a way, but steady. Such a shot would have left him a stuttering mess the first time around.

Misato looked at the boy, really looked, as it were. He was the right kid, at least as far as she knew. He was the same person in the picture in his file, but his personality, his attitude… it was strange. He should have been meek, at least from what she had read, and painfully shy. But this boy… he was… aloof, almost. His face reflected very little, outside of his small grins and frowns as thoughts passed through his mind.

He had smiled at her, and frowned, all in the passing of a few moments, before both expressions faded into nothingness and he became unreadable again. It was most… disconcerting for the young captain. In so many ways, he reminded her of his father. And then he would smile, and that image would be shattered.

They drove in silence, which was odd, considering her own (admittedly) psychotic driving. If he was anything like what her file had said, he would have been gripping the Jesus bar for all it was worth. _Hell_, she admitted to herself, _even a normal person would be hugging that handgrip like it was their last lifeline._

But this boy didn't. He didn't even look bothered, really. He just sat there, swerving with her turns, yes, but for the most part simply looking out the window, looking almost mystified at the early afternoon.

She couldn't understand it, but that was exactly what the boy saw. A world of absolute beauty as seen from a perspective that had been subjected to a land of the dead. He remembered most vividly the post-Third Impact earth, with it's orange seas and grey, parched land. He drank up those rich colors.

They drove through the streets, Misato navigating the maze of buildings and pavement with an expert's hand. The trip wasn't long, no, but Shinji enjoyed every moment of it, every moment of the world before him, of being with a woman he had come to truly love, as both a friend and a surrogate mother, though many of those binding events had yet to happen.

He knew Misato was watching him. She was far more observant than they gave her credit for, really. And he saw her make her call, asking for her car-train and making arrangements of their arrival.

And then, they entered the tunnel. It wasn't a long tunnel, no, but one that Shinji clearly remembered. He remembered the N2 mine that would come to follow shortly thereafter, and how Misato had stopped to watch the battle shortly before. Events did indeed proceed as expected, and while Misato was indeed his surrogate mother, there was a very real part of his adolescent mind that took no small joy out of having those rather sizable assets of hers stacked on top of him.

In the distance he could see the massive Angel towering over the mountains, the VTOL Fighters slowly backing away from it, before clearing out. Shinji knew what was coming, and braced himself for it, for that inevitable shock. The blast was massive, the heat alone burning away the clouds in the upper atmosphere. Had Shinji been looking at it, he had no doubt that he would have been blinded from the iridescent light that washed over the car's windows not moments before.

There was a pause, as if the world stood still, and then the rumbling came, washing over the cliffside where Misato's car resided. The vehicle jolted, for only a moment, and then, began to lift, regardless of Shinji's or Misato's wishes. It fought valiantly to stay on the ground, but, alas, it was far from enough. Shinji gasped at the sudden loss of weight that being lifted up and tossed through the air brought with it, but could have done without the sudden, jolting stop that came with the car hitting the ground and rolling to a stop. Somewhere along the way, he had jammed his shoulder badly, and as soon as they stopped, it quickly made itself known.

"You alright?" Came a voice above him, his brain thoroughly scrambled as he tried to ignore the throbbing ache in the left side of his body. At a glance, he saw Misato's concerned face above him, looking down upon him with a worried frown. He groaned, but started to shift himself out of his rather uncomfortable position. Misato, whom had already exited the car, offered him a helping hand up, of which he accepted with a smile and a nod.

"Yeah, I'm okay." He confirmed, rubbing his shoulder a but to try and massage some of the ache out. Misato nodded, and looked to her car. Shinji could only offer a small smile as he visibly saw his caretaker deflate at the sight of her (fairly) new car being reduced to a dinged up heap. But she recovered quickly, as Shinji knew she would, and, with a bit of duct tape, improvised mechanics and a bit of petty theft, Misato managed to get her vehicle up and running.

Shinji's eyes, not for the first time, drifted out over the open landscape. They would be at the Geofront soon, he knew. He still had no idea how as to how to deal with his father. How could he look into that man's eyes, knowing just what his grand ambition was, knowing that he'd been one of the deciding factors in what was tantamount to a holocaust that made those of Hitler, Stalin and Mao look like rough patches in an otherwise calm ocean.

And to be honest, Shinji was absolutely terrified of the man.

**Then why don't you run away, Ikari? Nobody would blame you, you know. **Whispered the phantom in he back of his mind, it's voice full of dark promise and lies. Shinji knew he couldn't run. That simply wasn't an option. Too many people were counting on him, and he wasn't going to make the same mistakes he made last time.

**Oh? Do you really believe that?** It pondered back, and he shook his head. Instead, he focused back onto Misato, noticing that she was making the call for their car-train and throwing him glances. He returned her look with a smile and a nod, and she smiled back before they both looked away.

**What a beautiful smile she has. She was smiling then, too. **An image of Misato bleeding in his arms, her smile soft and caring even as the sweet flavor of her lips left his.

"Shut up." he said in a hushed tone, his voice barely more than a whisper. This, of course, got Misato's attention, not so much as what he'd said, as that he'd said anything at all. She had been lost in her woes about her car (still thirty-three down payments left) and her favorite dress (which was ruined beyond repair) and even the ever silent Third Child (whom was _nothing _like she'd imagined). Really, she'd expected someone more… introverted.

"What was that, Shinji?" She asked in a friendly tone as the Geofront entrance began to grow in the distance.

"Hm? What was what, Misato?" he asked back, his tone so perfectly innocent. For a moment, she really did see a lot of his father in him, as creepy as it was. Though Gendo was cold as opposed to Shinji's… not exactly friendliness, but he was more talkative than his father, it's just that he was so seemingly distant, as if he were lost in thought. She'd seen Gendo get that same kind of look, that same attitude.

It was… unsettling.

It wasn't long before the two of them found themselves coming up on the entrance to NERV, the doors looking so small as compared to the size of the entry tunnel. It was then that Shinji's eyes focused.

"NERV." He said, though it was more the tone of a statement, not a question. Misato took no notice, however, and gave him a grin.

"Yup! NERV. It's a secret organization run by the U.N." She quipped happily, and Shinji looked at her before nodding.

"My father works here." The boy's tone was resigned, and Misato did take notice of that. She wanted to push, but the boy was so tight-lipped most of the time and she didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Shinji, did your father send you an I.D. card?" Misato asked, and Shinji nodded. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a letter that mostly consisted of blacked out information, a NERV access pass and three words.

Come

-Gendo Ikari

It was cold, much like the man who wrote them. Misato shuddered, wondering just what kind of rift made Gendo so cruel. It was a good word, considering the man's demeanor and attitude towards others. She knew that he hadn't seen his son in years, and she doubted he had any desire to now.

She handed him the official NERV information packet, map and guide, all of which he took without opening.

"So, I guess this is my father's organization." The words were empty of emotion, "I guess he finally has a use for me." At that, Misato gawked. Surely Shinji was just talking out of spite, something all teenagers were known to have. He couldn't _really _mean that, right? She was certain of it.

"Maybe he just missed you?" She pondered aloud, and was surprised when Shinji have a barking laugh.

"My father doesn't "miss" people, Misato. He uses them and then throws them away. You'll see." And Shinji knew he was right. His father was a cold bastard right up to the bitter end. But… he didn't find himself hating his old man. It was strange, really. He felt pity for his father, who was so absolutely dedicated to his mother that he was ready to give up everything to be with her again, while at the same time couldn't stand being reminded of her. He had burned everything, thrown away any reminder, even his own son, and claimed to keep everything in his heart. It was true, his father was quite the enigma, and yet, so very two-dimensional.

Misato, on the other hand, shuddered at the cold words coming from Shinji. She couldn't really argue with him though, considering her experiences with the illusive Commander. He set her on edge, and, now, so was his son.

The two sat in silence for a time, Misato thinking about Shinji, and Shinji about both his father and about things soon to come.

It wasn't until the full glory of the Geofront was revealed that the thick silence was broken. Unfolding like a rose, did he see the massive, cavernous body that was the Geofront, it's whole standing several kilometers high and more than two dozen kilometers long, from wall to wall, it was a stunning thing to behold. Bathed in a golden light, the massive retractable buildings hung from the roof of the superstructure, looking like a mirror image of the city above, locked into place by powerful magnets and reinforced rails. And below, a sprawling artificial forest, standing next to a massive man-made lake, and framed by the immense NERV Central pyramid standing in it's center, covered by the body of what was the whole of the command and control tower, which stood proudly over the central pyramid and connected NERV to the rest of the world.

Shinji gasped, as he had the first time, but unlike then, in which he had been impressed with the construct itself, this time, he was awed by the majesty of it all. This was the first, the most glorious, of sights. The Geofront, full of untapped potential and possibility. His memories of this place, towards the end, had seen it as a ruin, a world of lost chance, of lose possibility. But this…

"The Geofront…" He whispered, his tone full of impressed shock and awe.

"Yeah, this is our secret, underground base. NERV Central and the fortress built to repel the Angels." Misato said, her tone light ad confident, as compared to the bubbling nervousness that had wormed it's way into her stomach.

"I see." Shinji uttered, clearly not paying attention to Misato, much to her annoyance. In a moment of impulsiveness, she reached over and hooked her arm around the boy's neck, dragging him over and proceeding to noogie him until he cried uncle. The boy in question was laughing almost as hard as Misato was, in the end, and just like that, the tense moment that had been choking them lifted.

Some time later, the two found themselves wandering through the corridors and byways of NERV Central. On Shinji's face, a myriad of emotions played out. His last, and most vivid memories of this place were something out of a nightmare, where the walls were plastered in blood, and the bodies of both soldiers and NERV personnel littered the ground.

**Because you were too weak, Ikari. They died because of **_**you**_**.** He heard in the back of his head, causing his sense of guilt to rip into him, because it was true. He couldn't deny it. He had the power to stop it, and he didn't.

Misato saw none of this, nor did she see the dark and perturbed look that had etched it's way onto the boy's face. She was too busy trying to figure out how to get to the bays. Eventually, the older woman gave up and fished out her cell phone, calling upon the powers that be to send someone who knew how to get her to where she needed to be.

"Come on, Shinji." Misato said, grabbing onto the boy's hand and jerking him out of his increasingly dark thoughts. The two made their way to an elevator, of which opened up to reveal the face of Ritsuko Akagi, head of the Science Division.

Shinji shuddered a bit, and backed away. His memories of the bleach-blond woman weren't exactly… pleasant. Neither woman took notice as Ritsuko berated the poor, young Captain for her incompetence.

"Come on, Shinji! Hello?" Misato asked, bending over and waving her hand in front of the face of the boy lost in his own hubris. After a moment, she put her hand on the boy's shoulder, and that seemed to knock him out of his thoughts. He looked at her, and for a moment, just a moment, Misato saw something that would, in foresight, leave her shivering and unable to sleep that night.

But in less than a blink, his eyes cleared, and he focused on her again, before offering up a small smile.

"Sorry Misato. I was… thinking… about something." he muttered. The pauses were brief, but Misato caught them. Whatever it was, it was eating at him, and she doubted that he would talk to her about it if she asked.

After a moment, the older woman nodded, and the three began wandering the halls of NERV Central, up unto what Shinji had come to call the gantry lifts. Suspended not ten meters away was the control tank for Unit-01, filled with the blood of Lillith, LCL (of which Shinji figured stood for Liquid Concentrate of Lillith), keeping it passive, while nourishing it and, when hurt, allowing it to regenerate.

**Mmm. It's made of people, Ikari. Liquid people, concentrated into a primordial soup. Friends, family, **_**her**_**. Everyone, but you, and Lillith. Remember that, Ikari? **The voice in the back of Shinji's head was taunting him, filling his mind with the memories that accompanied that ocean of LCL, and viciously, Shinji crushed them. At the end of this ride would be his father, and he needed everything in order to face him again without breaking.

**Just remember, you made Mommy bite Daddy in half. Just think about **_**that**_**.** And the voice fell silent once again, it's cruel, mocking laughter echoing in his thoughts long after the voice itself went away. Shinji shuddered slightly, all but ignoring Ritsuko's description on just how likely it was for Unit-01 to activate. Shinji knew it would.

Mother had never stopped loving him.

Over the PA, he could hear the announcement, that they were entering General Quarters. Shinji drew himself up. Sachiel was active again. He remembered just what was entailed there, what would happen.

With a jerk, the elevator stopped. A short walk brought him to the sealed doors of the Eva gantry. He was minutes away from meeting his father again for the first time. He didn't know what he would say, or how he would say it, but he would make it through this.

The doors shut. The lights went out. Shinji braced himself, and in that singular second, the lights came on again. He found himself staring into the eyes of Evangelion Unit-01, and the sight of it, of that culmination of ma's hand and an Angels body stood before him. And in that singular second, he could feel her, inside of that machine, calling out to him, arms wide and eyes full of joyous tears.

_Hello, Mother. I missed you._ Was all he could think in that moment, and he swore, he was absolutely certain, that he could feel her arms around him.

That was when the gantry above flickered to life, exposing the plug control center and his father, looking down upon him like God unto man. And of all the things Shinji could have said, all of the responses, both carefully thought of and impulsively driven, what came out of his mouth was something neither he nor Gendo could have possibly predicted.

"I don't hate you, Father."

The silence was deafening. Gendo's mouth actually hung open for a split second, and everyone on both the bridge and the command booth were silent, stunned by the unprovoked statement.

"That… that's good, Shinji." Was all Gendo managed to squeeze out. Shinji knew his father didn't actually care about what he thought, nor did Gendo believe that his son didn't already know this. Still… it was disconcerting for both parties. It took the rattling blast of the Angel to shake the lot of them out of their shock, and for a moment, Gendo glanced up at the ceiling, a frown on his face.

"It has been a while, hasn't it, Shinji?" Gendo's voice was cold, booming, like an echo from days gone by. Many of the techs and command staff shuddered at his dark inflection, and Shinji barely managed to suppress his desire to flee.

"Yes. It really has, hasn't it, Father?" The boy replied, proud of the fact that he didn't let his voice quiver, despite the fact that he was absolutely terrified of the man before him.

"I have use of you." The older Ikari said, his voice icy. His gaze, hidden behind his ever present sunglasses. His lips turned up into a cold smirk. He saw the slight trembling of the boy. He knew that, regardless of this bit of spine he'd managed to accrue, it wasn't anywhere near enough to be able to stand against _him_.

**Yes… he finally has a use for you. He wants you to kill for him. How poetic is that?** The voice of his doubts echoed through his mind, causing him to shudder involuntarily. For a moment, just a moment, wondered what would happen if he just… walked away.

_Everyone would die._ Was the silent, unwavering thought. And just like that, the weight of such a realization hit him. If he walked away now, everyone would die. He would throw all their lives away. Especially… _Asuka_…

"Tell me." He said, finally, his voice hard, harder than he'd ever spoken before. It was filled with the kind of command most associated with his father, rather than his meek and mild son. He would not let her suffer for his weakness. Not now. Not again.

Gendo's smile grew wider, his eyes glistening at the sight of Shinji. There was a confidence in his eyes that shouldn't have been there, not according to his psyche evaluations, but it was. Gendo could see it.

And, deep down, in a place where he would never openly acknowledge such a feeling, he was proud of the boy.

"You were brought here to pilot Unit-01." Ritsuko said from the side. Misato looked to her, as if in shock, but she knew why he'd been brought in as well. It wasn't a secret that he was the Third Child, selected by the Marduk Institute as a possible pilot.

"But it took Rei nearly eight weeks to synchronize with Unit-00! What chance does he have to synch up with Unit-01!? He's had no prior training and we don't even have a Plug Suit for him yet!" The raven-haired woman cried, her face fit into a mask of… not exactly rage, but abject concern. Shinji's heart fluttered with the knowledge that Misato was the same no matter what time you came from.

"We don't expect him to synch up. At this point, all we're expecting is for him to sit in the seat and try. It's better than nothing." The blond snapped back, her eyes narrowing at the Captain's demeanor. "Do you understand me, Captain?"

Misato's eyes narrowed. She could scarcely believe her friend had just pulled rank on her, but, unfortunately, there was nothing she could do.

"Yes Ma'am." Misato snapped out, sharply. Her eyes were on fire, and Ritsuko could only look away, over to Shinji. After a moment, so did Misato.

"Shinji…" She began, only to be halted by the boy's up-raised hand.

"You don't have to say it, Misato." he said, not looking at her, before speaking to his father, "You want me to pilot it, right?"

"Yes." The reply was sharp.

"Even knowing what it did to my mother?" Came the boy's answer. Had Gendo been any less of the man he was, he would have been gasped. He hadn't thought the boy remembered that incident, in which Yui was taken from them. When she was absorbed into Unit-01's entry plug, never to be seen again.

"Yes." Came Gendo's reply, his face frozen in a mask of neutrality.

"This is her legacy. Her hope for the future." The boy's voice wavered, his eyes shimmering and his small frame shaking. Moments passed, while another explosion railed the world above, shaking the suspended buildings in their casings. The boy looked up, towards the ceiling above him, and sighed.

There was no going back from this course.

But there was, was there? He could only move forward, and maybe, just maybe, he would succeed.

"I'll do it. I'll pilot the Eva."

It was all that needed to be said, all that he would say, before the whole of the pit crews and technicians began prepping Unit-01 for launch. Ritsuko offered up Shinji's A-10 sensor clips, painted the familiar white that he remembered them to be. He accepted them gracefully, and slipped them in without hesitation or error.

It was a short walk down to the Plug Center, in which he smoothly slid into the command throne, from which he had full access to all of the Eva's functions. As soon as the hatch closed, he found himself alone. The startup would take a few minutes, and until then, he had to wait.

**So, you're really going to do it, hm? I hope you don't… **_**mess up.**_ An image of Toji's sister came to mind, her lower body crushed under the massive weight of a hunk of rubble, knocked down by his Unit-01 after it went berserk. Shinji narrowed his eyes, and gripped the arm controls tightly.

_I won't let that happen this time._ He swore it to himself.

A moment later, the systems began their bootup. It was only moments before Misato's voice could be heard from inside the cockpit.

"Shinji! Can you hear me alright?" The Captain asked into the mic, her voice coming through slightly distorted.

"Yeah, I can hear you Misato." The boy confirmed. A moment later, the image of the Captain appeared in one of his HUD monitors. She looked slightly frazzled, but otherwise fine.

"Alright, look, all we need you to do is focus on walking. If you can do that, the rest should come naturally. If you can do even that much, then we'll be in business. Got that?" She asked, her tone holding a level of command authority that he only heard during these kinds of encounters.

"I understand Misato." The words were hard, focused. He didn't even feel the jolt of the gantry as it locked him into the Entry Plug slot on the back of the Eva. He didn't utter a peep when the plug itself began to fill with orange LCL, thought he couldn't quite down the sense of revulsion that accompanied the almost slimy feel of Lillith's blood, now knowing what it was.

"How are you doing in there Shinji?" Misato asked into her head mic, the technicians and bridge bunnies all working around her as she stood on the Command Bridge of NERV Central. Above her, on an elevated platform sat both Commanders Ikari and Fuyutsuki, silently watching the procession as Misato lead the startup operations. Each were lost in their own thoughts. Fuyutsuki stood pondering the fate of this ill-thought venture, and, not for the first time, questioning his student's mental state as to what had brought them to that end. Gendo, on the other hand, was lost in his thoughts of his son. The boy was so very different than how the reports said he would be. In the brief week between his sending of the letter and Shinji's arrival in Tokyo-3, there had been no reported deviations from his normal activities or routine, no sudden changes in attitude or demeanor. Nothing. But then, as if some great epiphany had taken hold of him, he had arrived in Tokyo-3 sporting an attitude that defied logic.

Gendo had seen the fear in him, but it was smothered under a kind of courage he'd only seen in Yui, a kind of will that defied logic or reasoning. It was madness, in all senses of the word, but it was there, having taken hold of his boy and changing him. And while some fathers would have been pleased at this development, Gendo was anything but. Something had changed in the child, and Gendo had a distinct feeling that it would be anything but good for his plans. He would have to watch the boy carefully. Something had happened, and he wanted to know what.

These thoughts, of course, were lost on the boy in question. Shinji sat in the LCL filled entry plug, not having made a sound since the liquid covered is mouth. He was breathing normally, of course, thanks to the hyper-oxygenated liquid, but it still had the coppery taste of blood, something that still made him ill despite his experience.

"Still with us, Shinji?" Misato asked over the intercom, and Shinji responded with a short "Yes." before closing his eyes to the darkness.

"Alright, Shinji. We're going to start up the initial synchronization procedure. If you feel anything out of the ordinary, please, tell us immediately so we can terminate the procedure. Do you understand?" This was Ritsuko's voice, her tone cold and businesslike, much like how he remembered her. Always the professional, right up until Gendo shot her at the end. Even then, mad as she was, she still managed to hold on to her air of superiority.

"Yes, Miss Akagi." He replied, tonelessly. He knew that nothing would go wrong. He had such absolute confidence. Only a moment passed, and his world became a rainbow of bright colors, the first, red, then yellow, and finally, blue. The three each represented a stage in Eva synchronization, connecting his mind, his body and his soul to the machine.

And in that moment, when the world cleared, he felt… warmth. It was as if he had been enveloped in an ever-expanding hug, where he could feel nothing but the light of his mother's soul around him, whispering to him.

_I missed you, Mom._

And in the Command Bridge, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi could only stare at the numbers being presented before her. The boy had reached an ninety percent synch ratio and rising, slowly but surely, towards the absolute barrier limit. There was a part of her, a large part of her, screaming about how it wasn't possible, how it couldn't be happening, and yet, knowing the truth behind how synchronization worked, she couldn't help but feel a sense of understanding. How wasn't important. She knew WHY.

"Doctor? Doctor! RITSUKO!" The shout shocked her out of her stupor, and she glanced over at Misato.

"Yes, Captain?" She asked, her voice full of abject shock. He had broken the absolute border in seconds, the connection lancing through at a rate that left her unable to even utter a word about the linkup, and then proceeded to shoot up into the high nineties, before settling at a solid ninety-eight point eight percent synch ratio.

"Has he achieved synchronization?" Asked Misato, her voice betraying her anxiety. The Third Angel was fast approaching, and had already started trying to punch through the twenty-seven layers of dirt and armor plating that made up the roof of the Geofront. She needed to know whether Unit-01 was good to go, or if they needed to N2 the bastard up above _again_.

"Y-yes. Yes, he's reached synchronization. He's… his synch ratio has leveled off at ninety-eight point eight percent, as impossible as it may seem." Misato stared at her friend and counterpart with abject surprise. Rei had been at it for months and had barely reached a third of what Shinji had achieved. It was… unprecedented. Even the Second, who'd had years of training had just broken her sixties recently.

"How…?" The raven-haired Captain could only whisper. Ritsuko shrugged.

"I don't know. Perhaps he's a prodigy, perhaps it's something else. I'll need to run more tests later." Her point was emphasized when one of Sachiel's energy beams punched through the body of one of the buildings, causing the suspended end of it to plummet down into the Geofront, barely missing the NERV pyramid, but still causing the whole of the structure to shudder.

"Regardless, we must begin launch procedure. Shinji has synched up with Unit-01. The matters as to how or why are irrelevant at this time. Captain, is the Evangelion prepped for launch?" Gendo's cool voice came down from above, his eyes locked onto the frontal command screen. Below it, an orange wireframe hologram of the city proper stood, with a single blue creature moving about it, heading towards an aboveground residential district.

"Hm." Misato frowned, before looking towards Aoba, the bunny in charge of the Gantry Launch command council. "Lt. Aoba, is Unit-01 in position?" She asked, her tone slightly subdued.

"Yes, Ma'am, Unit-01 is secured and ready for launch." The man replied, his face a mask of concentration. A moment passed, quickly, before Misato said the two words that spelled out the remainder of her career with NERV.

"Eva launch!"

In the boom tube, Shinji sat, peacefully awaiting the sensation of moving at mach two. It was strange, really. He knew he should feel nervous, apprehensive, something… but he didn't. He felt… oddly relaxed. He was where he needed to be, where all was right with the world.

That was when he felt the gantry kick, propelling the massive robot at nearly mach two, launching him up the four kilometers of bracing and up into the world above. Even at the speed he was moving, the trip lasted for several seconds before he felt the drag of the lift launcher slowing. The doors at the end of the boom tube opened, and up a set of rails came up, allowing for Unit-01's control gantry to slide up and out of the launcher, supporting it.

"Just try to focus on walking, Shinji!" He heard Misato through the COM link. Her voice was so familiar, so calming, so focusing. The boy grit his teeth, and braced himself. It was time. It was the beginning. A new beginning. A second chance. He would not fail this time.

Shinji's eyes opened, his mind clear of all distraction. His HUD display notified him of the gantry's release, the final locking mechanisms letting go, and finally releasing the great, purple titan from it's clutches. Before him stood the massive body of Sachiel, it's twin-masked face staring right at him, it's one exposed eye staring at him.

Shinji willed Unit-01 to step forward, the sensation of doing so no different than if he himself were taking the step. The Evangelion's leg rose in unison to his. Shinji let out a small smile. Nothing had changed, everything was as he remembered it.

In his first life, he had stumbled on that second step, allowing for the Angel to garner a decided tactical advantage. This time, he didn't fall. Sachiel didn't get the chance to ram him through a building, causing debris to fall from the sky and crush Toji's sister. This time Unit-01's second step was sure, solid, and confident.

It was then that the Angel raised it's arm, it's three fingers wide and a buildup of energy gathering in it's palm, aiming to lance Unit-01 cleanly through the chest.

"Not this time." Shinji whispered, and willed his Eva to crouch down, before forcing it to dive across he space between the two giants. The impact was deafening as the two hit one another, Unit-01 tackling the Angel, causing it to release it's stored energy in a wild shot that blasted harmlessly into the air.

The two slammed into the ground hard, the concrete cracking and shattering out from the point of impact and spiraling out. For a moment, the two were still, before one of Sachiel's massive hands wrapped around the whole of the back of the Eva, tossing it off. Unit-01, hit the pavement on it's shoulder, causing a lance of pain to shoot through Shinji's already abused right arm.

"Damn it!" Shinji cried out at the sudden ache, his focus lost for but a second. It was all Sachiel needed. Rolling up and straddling the purple titan, Sachiel tried to pin the machine, it's right grappling Unit-01's chest while it's left aimed to lance the Eva right through it's head armor.

Just as the beam had charged, Shinji regained enough of himself to force his Eva's legs to wrap around the Angel's waist, and using a trick Asuka had taught him in a previous life (by using it to pin him) he rolled forward hard. With it's grip on Unit-01 broken, Sachiel's beam went off balance, and instead of punching through Shinji's Eva's head, it only grazed it's cheek.

To Shinji, linked to Unit-01, it felt like his cheek was being melted off. He forced himself to cut off his strangled cry, and proceeded to punch the Angel clean in the mask. Sachiel responded in kind, and proceeded to lift Unit-01 off of it in a feat of absolute strength, it's left tri-clawed hand still locked onto the Eva's torso, and then tossed it into the air, forcibly. A sense of weightlessness greeted the boy, before he felt a searing shock of pain cross his chest. His eyes opened to see Sachiel's right arm, fully extended, with a charged beam lance lining it's way strait into Unit-01's chest.

The blast sent the Eva flying through the air, over the nearest set of above-ground apartments and into the hills beyond. The roar of the impact thundered through the valley as the Eva carved a trench through the foliage, forcibly ripping out it's power cord and causing the HUD in Shinji's plug to light up, announcing that he only had five minutes of power in his battery packs, and counting.

Misato screamed something through the radio, but it was lost on the boy as his eyes widened, seeing Sachiel _propelling_ himself through the air, twin lances of energy in both of it's hands, coming down upon him like the hammer of God himself. In a tremendous push of his physical will, the Third Child barely managed to push down the wicked ache in his back and force his Eva to roll off to the side.

The move was just barely enough, as the Eva rolled out of the firing line of the beams just and they cleaved through the earth where he'd previously resided. When he angel hit the ground, mete meters from where Unit-01 had rolled, Shinji pushed, and pushed hard. The Eva's leg shot out in a ground roundhouse, catching the Angel in the back and sending it into the ground, face first.

"Bastard!" The boy cried as he moved his Evan to try and pin the beast. Unfortunately, the Angel was faster than Shinji realized, and rolled over just enough to let it get a solid grip on the Eva's head. It pushed, hard, nearly snapping the head off in a fit of rage, but the Eva had just enough leverage to hook it's hand on the lesser of the creature's two masks, and as he was pushed off, he took that mast with him.

A wet, ripping sound shook the ruined hills in which they fought, and the mask covering Sachiel's face was ripped clean from it's person, taking it's one exposed eye with it and leaving a ragged, gaping wound where it's face had been.

The screech was something of nightmares, like a culmination of a billion nails on chalkboards all resounding at once, as the creature's two hands shot to it's face, gripping it while it writhed on the ground.

Unit-01 slammed onto it's back and slid down the hill and back into the residential area, the severed face of Sachiel still in it's grip while it's pilot spasmed in his control throne, his back screaming in pain as he felt his skin being flayed from his back much like the armor on Unit-01's back was being torn off by the friction.

Tears streaming down his face, Shinji barely made out the things Misato screamed at him through the COM link. It took him precious seconds to recover, massive amounts of adrenaline pumping through his veins and leaving him numb, exhausted, but still driven.

"…use the Prog Knife! The Prog Knife, Shinji! Get it while it's down!" Came the screeching voice of the Captain as it cut through the blood sloshing through his ears.

The timer on his HUD kept flashing, telling him that he had a paltry minute and thirty seconds of power left, and, with a sharp cry of pain, he forced both himself and his Eva into action. A press of he trigger button caused his Progressive Knife to activate, the Bowie-like blade sliding into his Eva's hand as the cutting edge began to hum with the whine of the blade's hypersonic vibration.

"DIE!" The boy screamed, something primal taking hold of him as the endorphins and adrenaline that pumped through his veins took hold. "DIE, YOU BASTARD!"

Unit-01 leapt up, the whole of the hill flying beneath the biomachine's feet, the blade held tip down in it's plated hands. There was a moment of sheer silence as the titan sailed through the air, blade poised for the killing blow, and Sachiel's one remaining eye opened wide with fear.

With a shuddering crash, did the two meet, the Prog Knife slamming into the Angel's core, letting loose with the whine of a massive power saw as it burned through the crimson orb. The Angel struggled, it's arms trying to push the Eva off, but to no avail. As the blade slowly began to sink deeper, the creature wrapped one of it's hands around the head case of Unit-01, and a beam of pure energy slid out of it's elbow.

The beam shot forth, like a jackhammer, and slammed into one of the eye cases of Shinji's Eva. Te pain was unimaginable, but Shinji kept pushing, kept screaming, as if he were some kind of berserker. The blade shot into the eye case again, and small droplets of blood began leaking from the pilot's right eye. He ignored it, driving the pain away under an ocean of adrenaline and rage.

The Prog Knife began to dig into the center of the creature, and the energy beam pulled back once more, before slamming into, and then _through _the right eye of Unit-01 just as the blade punched through the core, shattering it and causing the Angel to self-destruct, vaporizing it's form and marking it's passing with a massive cross of pure energy.

At that instant, Unit-01 was tossed away, through the air, and landing on one of the (thankfully) empty munitions buildings, it's power drained. It looked on, as if seated on a great throne of ruin, over the fallen form of it's enemy, it's armor broken and scorched, it's eye gone, the hole dripping with purple blood, but the great titan still victorious.

And in the entry plug, a small boy sat curled up, his hands gripping his face as his blood slowly drained into the orange LCL, his cries of pain echoing through NERV Central as he slowly lost consciousness, Misato calling for him over the open COM.

_~End Chapter One~_

Author's Note: Hey all, how are you? Good, I hope. I must admit, it has been a WHILE since I've written or posted anything fanficish, especially in the area of NGE, despite being my first dedicated peice of fiction being an NGE fanfic. It really has been a few years, and for that, I am regretful, but, I found that the best way to deal with said regrets are to put the past behind me and move on, into a new and exciting story that (I hope) is somewhat better than my last few written works.

I spent a lot of time learning and relearning how to write, and after reading Crazy-88's _Once More with Feeling_ I found myself with new direction and new inspiriation, so here we are, at the end of the first chapter of my new piece, _Through the Eyes of God_ and I hope you all enjoyed reading! I'm aiming to have the next installment out sometime in the next two weeks, so until then!

_~Ja Ne~_

Oh, and P.S.

If you didn't catch the hint, and you've yet to do so, go read _Once More with Feeling_. You won't regret it.

Musical Inspiration:

In a State/God Moving Over the Open Waters ft. Moby --UNKLE

Paid in Full --Sonata Arctica

Out for Blood --Arch Enemy


	2. Chapter 2

"Eva launch!" Misato cried out, her voice booming over the Command Bridge, her hand outstretched in a most dramatic manner. Behind her, scientists, bridge bunnies and even a few technicians wandered about the three-tiered command structure, each working to provide Misato the most accurate data they could. The future of the human race was on the line here.

"Lt. Ibuki!" The Captain snapped, her gaze moving over to the twenty something brown-haired woman who, for the most part, did her best to hide in her chair as she handled the brain-wave data on Shinji. At the beck of her voice, said young woman jumped, before looking over at Misato.

"A-all reading normal, Ma'am." She recited, her eyes watching the eight multicolored lines that made up the whole of her council, her fingers flying over the keyboard as she brought up several skip-note diagnostics. "EEG and EKG are both normal, Ma'am. He seems to have an abnormally high amount of dopamine in his upper sub-dermal A10 cavity, but with his high synch ratio, it's not abnormal."

Misato looked back towards the main screen, which depicted both giants, the first, the Angel, looking at the boy in a most curious manner, and Shinji having just been released from the gantry restraints, took his first step towards the black and white creature. His second was also sure, and then…

Then the Angel raised it's arm in preparation for… something.

"Energy buildup in the Angel's left hand! It's getting ready to fire!" Cried Lt. Hyuuga, his hands pounding the keys at his station's keyboard, the clacking of each individual strike echoing through the room.

"Shinji! Move! It's about to…!" The raven-haired woman was cut off as she watched, almost helplessly, as Unit-01 crouched and dived, tackling the massive angel in a full-body impact that left the two lying in a crater of cement and rubble. The shot had gone wide, hitting nothing but sky.

"Ma'am! Shinji's heart rate and adrenal levels are increasing!" Lt. Aoba called from his central council, working feverishly to bring up the next set of skip-note diagnostics. "There's been a release of endorphins in his system as well, and we're getting some strange readings from his left shoulder. It may be a pre-existing injury!"

That brought a frown to Misato's lips as she thought back to earlier that day, when they'd been caught in that N2 blast. She'd noticed he was favoring his right arm a bit more than he should have, and that he kept rubbing his left. She wouldn't be too surprised if he was feeling it, considering that last hit.

"Damn it!" Shinji's voice came over the receiver, and Misato's breath caught in her throat. She could only watch as Unit-01 was tossed off of the Angel and pinned, the creature in question charging up another blast of energy. Hyuuga's analysis cinched it.

"Get up Shinji!" She cried out, but her voice was lost in a burst of static, even as Unit-01 reversed the pin, barely managing to shift the Angel's focus off to the side. Over the receiver, Shinji's strangled cry of pain echoed through the Command Bridge.

"Ma'am! We're getting some strange readings on Shinji's neuronet!" At these words, Dr. Akagi rushed over to Maya's command council, all but pushing the brown-haired woman out of her chair before sitting down at the system itself. Her hands flashed over the keyboard, her experienced eyes looking through the dozen or so anomalies that had popped up as Unit-01 went flying across the battlefield from a charged blast to the chest.

Misato glanced over to the blond, a question as to what was going on leaving her mouth in a hurried cry before going back to calling out operational commands through her mic. Aoba glanced out, towards Misato, half his attention on the screens before him as he tried to interpret the readouts in front of him.

"Ma'am," his voice pulled her attention to him as she tried to watch the fight. "I'm reading a major increase in the stress-points on his body! His breathing and heartbeat are erratic and the chem.-screen just came back. He's pumping enough adrenaline through his system that it's a miracle his heart hasn't exploded yet!"

"Captain, his brainwaves are going off the charts! The A10 link dampeners can't handle the load, his synch ratio is too high! He's getting full feedback from the Evangelion!" Ritsuko's tone was something of a mix between shock and fear, and it silenced the chatter on the Command Bridge for all of a moment.

"That means…" Misato began, only to have Ritsuko finish her statement for her.

"That his mind can't differentiate between the damage being dealt to his Eva as something outside of his own body. In all likelihood, he's suffering from a type six stigmata anomaly. His body is killing itself with every hit he takes!"

The words struck everyone on the Bridge. Misato could only look numbly back at the screen, watching the fight begin to enter it's climax. The image of Unit-01 flying through the air, it's Prog Knife gripped in it's hand. Over the receivers they could hear Shinji's primal rage making itself known as the biomachine dived down on top of the Angel. The blade met the core in a screeching whine that echoed through the world above and below the battlefield.

Misato's eyes widened when she say the Angel grip the Eva's face, a wicked energy beam sliding out from the elbow of the arm in question.

"Cut the A10 connection!" There was a tone of almost desperate pleading in her voice as it carried over the whole of the Command Bridge, Ritsuko frantically working to disconnect the link between Shinji and Unit-01. Her eyes were wide, and growing wider as she hammered on the keyboard.

"It's not accepting the disconnect order! The system won't take the release command!" The first slam of that massive energy pylon echoed over the whole of facility. Misato could barely stand to look at the main screen as Shinji's cry burned through the speakers, even as the blade retracted again, before slamming cleanly into Unit-01's head.

"The pilot's body is flooded with adrenaline! He's not feeling anything! His pain receptors aren't firing!" Aoba called over from his computer, his hands sending a list of commands to the A10 receptors in on Shinji's head to forcibly cut the boy's flow of adrenaline.

"The system's been routed! Cutting connection now!" Ritsuko's hand slammed on the command enter button, causing the system to bypass Shinji and deactivate his link to Unit-01, just as he blade managed to punch through Unit-01's brain case, the purple blade hanging out of the back of the Eva's head as the Angel gave a dying cry, before detonating and sending Unit-01 tumbling into an empty munitions building.

"SHINJI!" The shrill scream of the Captain echoed through the whole of NERV Central.

"Systems are reading erratically! His heartbeat is wild and he's registering some mild hemorrhaging in his brain! We need to get a team out there now! He'll be dead soon unless we can relieve the pressure!" Aoba's words were sobering.

"Go, GO! Rapid Response Team Four, what's your status?" Misato all but cried into her headset, her hands shaking with every passing second as the green of the rescue VTOL flew over the orange wireframe that represented Tokyo-3, towards the fallen form of Unit-01.

"We're at the Eva! Opening the primary plug hatch now!" On the main screen, the Bridge crew watched with bated breath as the hovering ship dropped a team onto the shoulders of the Evangelion, which in turn activated the manual hatch release. The plug shot halfway out of the opened socket, spraying out its LCL payload before the team used the Jaws of Life to rip open the pilot's hatch.

Seconds later, the pilot, Shinji, had been loaded into a gurney trebuchet and hoisted up into the ship, along with the paramedic team. The ship took off at top speed towards the nearest hospital, the team doing everything they could to keep the boy alive in transit. Misato had already sprinted off the Command Bridge, the clacking of her boots ratcheting through the hallways of NERV as she made her way to a high speed surface elevator.

000

_Shinji's eyes shot open, the world around him painted in dull, flat colors under a blue, cloudless sky. All around him, he could see nothing but rubble. Rubble and cement and a single, solitary figure, sitting in an area of pavement cut off by yellow cautionary tape, strung from four staffs of rebar planted into the ground._

_The boy had seen this before, so long ago, such a long time ago, in a world where everything had gone wrong and it was __**all his fault**__._

_He shook his head, as if clearing it. That wasn't right, was it? He didn't know. How could he know? It was the Angel that did it, that caused her such anguish. It wasn't his fault. Not at all._

_It couldn't be._

_**Shinji…**_

_His eyes shot up, focusing on the back of the Second, and he'd always known she was, shortly after the battle with Arael, sitting there, all curled up and weeping miserably, her mind, what was left of it, broken and scattered. With Unit-01 in lockdown and unable to act, Shinji had been left unable to save her._

_**Shinji…**_

_With every step, she became clearer, while the world around her slowly began to change. The sky turned a sickly red, like a rotting piece of meat, while the buildings slowly, but surely began to take a much more sinister appearance. In the distance, they crumbled away to reveal the crucified bodies of the three Evangelion units while the sun warped into the giggling, twisted visage of Rei._

_**Shinji…**_

_He reached the barrier that stood between himself and Asuka, his mouth unable to form the words he meant to say, he needed to say. Frozen in time, he stared at the back of her head, his eyes wide with unshed tears._

_And slowly, ever so slowly, her head began to turn. Like a sickening top, it slowly spun, the breaking of her neck and the ripping of her spine echoing through the dead world as her head continued to pivot towards him. It was then, only then, that Shinji was able to look upon her face. Where her left eye had resided, a massive, gaping hole existed, blood dripping down the opening like an unending river of tears. Her face was gaunt, starved, her right eye cracked and dry, staring ahead into the distance as her hair became matted and unkempt, and her lips, her mouth, opened to form one, single word, her rotted and yellowed teeth gleaming under the red-hued sky._

_**Shinji…**_

"Grah!" The boy cried, shooting up in bed, before falling back, his body awash with pain. His head was throbbing, and his back was on fire. He could feel the rough, scratchiness of the bandages on his body, and the soft feel of the cotton gauze pressed against his face. Beyond that, as he slowly began to focus, he noticed that he could only see half of his face, half of everything.

His right hand drifted up unto his face, the fingers tracing the bandage that covered almost all of the right side of his face. His room stank of antiseptic, and around him, he quickly began to realize, were countless machines, each monitoring his health and status. Connected to his left arm hung an I.V., along with what look suspiciously like a morphine drip.

"Hell…" he groaned, his hands falling back to his sides. He couldn't feel much of anything, outside of those few initial touches, and even then, they were far more subdued than he thought they would be. The only thing that really stood out was the Pain.

"Finally awake, I see." Came a voice from right. The boy slowly began turning his head, only to find Misato standing there, looking more unkempt then he had ever remembered her being. Her face was awash with concern and… guilt? The boy reached his hand out towards her. She took it, and squeezed it.

"Yeah… I… hurt…" he squeezed out. His chest felt heavy, painfully so. Misato's face fell, and she looked away. Her hands tightened their grip on his. There was a moment of pregnant silence, the machines around the two beeping and humming quietly as the woman gathered herself up.

"I'm sorry." She finally blurted out, finally. Her eyes refused to meet his, and he gripped her hand. The sensation brought her back to herself.

"I'm sorry, for everything. I suspected that they wanted you to pilot. I really did. I…" She was interrupted by a wheezing cough. Shinji shifted in his bed, just enough to lay his other hand on hers, and he smiled at her, with his most, open, honest smile.

"It was… my choice… Misato. You… did your… job…" he wheezed out, before falling back, spent. Misato frowned, and looked like she wanted to contest that, but a look from Shinji's good eye stopped her, and she deflated a bit.

The older woman looked as if she wanted to say more, but was suddenly interrupted by Ritsuko, along with a medical team, all of whom had made their way into the room. The Magi had alerted both the Doctor and the medical staff the moment Shinji had awoken. Ritsuko looked on at the boy, who was wrapped in bandages, and sighed before scribbling on the clipboard in her hands.

"You're a very lucky boy, Mr. Ikari. Very lucky indeed, though I doubt you're feeling that way." Her gaze drifted over his body, examining it, before flipping through the pages of her clipboard. "Very lucky indeed. When we pulled you out of that plug, you'd already gone into shock from a cerebral hemorrhage in your superior orbital lobe. A very small hemorrhage, yes, but still more than enough to kill you. We had to drill into your skull to relieve the pressure, which is part of why your head is throbbing. But, as luck would have it, you're alive and well on your way to recovery."

"That's… good…" Shinji sighed, his hand drifting to his face, and the fingers going over his bandaged eye once more.

"However… I'm afraid that there were some… complications during surgery." Those words caught the ear of Misato, who was currently hovering in the background. She glanced over at the Doctor, whom had turned away from the bandaged boy.

Ritsuko wandered over to the machinery that the medical staff had been maintaining, and quietly told them to leave. The action was something that set both the boy's nerves on edge, as well as the Captain's. A pit formed in the stomach of Shinji, his hands gripping the sheets tightly.

"What… what… happened?" Shinji whispered, his voice barely picking up over the machinery. Ritsuko waited a moment, letting the rest of the staff leave before continuing on.

"Even though we managed to alleviate the pressure in your brain, there was still some… significant… damage to your sensory nerves. We're not sure as to the extent of the damage, but a preliminary biopsy has indicated that it's rather severe. We do know for certain that your ability to see with your right eye has been mostly compromised, however, we were able to save it, Unfortunately most of the visual nerves, rods and cones have been all but burnt out. Altogether, we estimate your ability to see with your right eye is down by nearly eighty percent. Coupled with that, there was rather severe burn damage done to your right cheek which, even with modern antibiotics and coagulants, will leave a… _notable_… degree of scarring. The good news is that the rest of your injuries seem to be fairly mild. You managed to rip up your back rather nicely, but it's nothing worth any major concern." The woman finished out, her voice casual, as if she were delivering the weather. Shinji… looked shocked.

"H-how?" he stammered out. In his time as a pilot, he'd never been so injured. Yes, he'd hurt, he'd felt the pain of injury with every hit his Eva took, but it never… it never actually _hurt _him. It never left him wounded, at least… not _physically_…

_And her lips, her mouth, opened to form one, single word, her rotted and yellowed teeth gleaming under the red-hued sky._

**Shinji…**

"Ngh…" There was pain, horrible, burning pain in his right eye. It felt like nothing he'd ever suffered before, and he could feel his back arch in seizure, the muscles tensing as his hands clawed at the air, his exposed eye screwed shut and his mouth gasping for words as the torment blinded him to everything else.

He felt hands on him, their touch leaving streaks of flame as he flailed. In mute shock, Misato found herself pushed out of the room, barely managing to garner a glance back at the boy. The bandages covering the right side of his face were stained with a fresh crimson coat, the splatter growing from where his eye sat hidden.

"What's happening!?" She cried out, even as Ritsuko pushed the Captain from the room, before the door shut behind her. Through the observation window, Misato could only look on helplessly as four nurses aids pinned he boy down before Ritsuko was able to jam a needle of sedative into his arm, slowing his thrashing.

Minutes passed as Ritsuko ordered a brace of tests on the now-sedate Shinji, whom had been summarily strapped to his bed. The group took all of ten minutes to finally get everything in order, including a change for Shinji's facial bandages.

Once finished, the doctors and nurses all went about fulfilling the commands of the blond scientist, and Misato managed to push her way back into Shinji's room. Her hands immediately flew to Ritsuko's shoulders, her eyes awash with worry and her heart heavy with more than a bit of guilt.

"What _happened_?" The Captain's voice was harsh, angry, but not at Ritsuko. She was raging at herself, for letting such a thing happen to a boy barely in the beginnings of puberty. The doctor sighed, and pulled away from her upset friend.

"I don't know. It looked like he had a seizure, but it's too early to tell right now. I've got a brace of tests lined up to try and find out the cause, but I don't know. We can't be sure of anything as far as Shinji's mental status goes. The damage done to him in the plug could be far more reaching than we'd originally thought." The woman replied, her eyes going over the varying charts before her.

"I thought we had dampeners that were supposed to _prevent _this kind of thing! How the hell did we let this happen!?" Misato snapped, her hands slamming on the end-table of Shinji's bed as she leaned forward.

Ritsuko sighed as she leaned back against the far wall, her eyes distant as she looked out the windows and over the city beyond. "Do you remember how high his synch ratio was? Ninety-eight point eight percent. The A10 dampeners weren't built to handle such high initial values. In fact, we didn't even think it was possible to synch up with such a high ratio. Even then, his neuronet was off the charts, far beyond our estimated numbers." She began, before hoisting herself off of the wall ad moving to leave the room. She motioned for Misato to follow her.

As the two began making their way through the ICU hallway in Tokyo-3 General, Ritsuko continued, her hands scribbling notes on her clipboard while they made their way to a NERV elevator terminal. "Within the first two minutes of combat, the dampeners were already fried. With them down, Shinji's brain wasn't able to interpret the difference between his own body and the Eva's, which caused the type-6 stigmata phenomenon, in which his brain actually inflicted the damage onto his body in the same way that the Eva was injured."

"I see… are we doing something to fix this? I mean, you do know how to prevent this from happening again, right?" The raven-haired woman asked after a moment's time. In the lonely hallway, only the footsteps of the two could be heard as silence wafted over them.

"There… have been some ideas as to how to prevent this from happening again. Using Shinji's numbers, we were able to set down some preliminary values for a new class of dampeners. They won't be as compact as the A10 connectors, but, in theory the next time he gets into Unit-01, he won't have to worry about his eyes exploding or his brain hemorrhaging." Ritsuko finished, standing before the elevator terminal. Her hand reached out and hit the down button as her words sank into the Captain's mind.

"What makes you think there'll be a next time?" She asked quietly. "He almost died this time. He's already been badly injured, and it's just been his first battle. He's just a boy. It's too much of us to ask this of him."

The doors opened, and Ritsuko stepped in. She turned back to the Captain, and said but three words. "We aren't asking." And the doors shut. Misato stood there, mouth agape, before heading back down towards Shinji's room, her eyes narrowed and her mind racing.

_Would they really make him pilot again? Even if it means him ending up like this again? _She asked herself, and for the first time, felt a pang of doubt about NERV and how it operates. She didn't need an answer. She already knew what it would be, and it did nothing to assuage either her doubts, or her guilt.

As Misato made herself comfortable once again in Shinji's room, Ritsuko made her way to the Commander's, her eyes gleaming with a dark ambition. In her hands sat a number of reports, all of which concerned only one topic. The Third Child.

There had been many tests run on the boy in question, many more than Misato had been made aware of. Beyond the brain biopsy, which hadn't been at all necessary for diagnosing Shinji, nor the MRIs, the bone and organ biopsies, blood tests and spinal taps. All of it had been done for another reason. She wanted to know _why._

Why were his values so high? Why did his synch so well? Why did he fight like an experienced pilot? Why did he know about the Angel's energy attack? How was it possible? It made no sense, not at first, but once she presented the facts to the Commanders, they both consented to a full brace of tests on the boy, right own to a molecular reconstruction of his basic biology.

The results had been… _interesting_.

As the doors to Commander Ikari's office, the massive edifice that it was, icy cold, dry and dark, with the Tree of Life painted on both the floor and ceiling leading up to his desk, Ritsuko mentally prepped herself for the upcoming meeting. The Commander himself, flanked by his lackey Kozo Fuyutsuki, looked… agitated, though the term was used only loosely. The man, to her memory, never looked anything short of pissed most of the time, and the rest of the time… well…

"Doctor." Said the man in question, his voice colder than the room he was in. Ritsuko's eyes snapped to attention. "Your report?"

Ritsuko gulped, an action that was wholly unintentional, but not lost on the man seated before her. He smiled, slightly, behind his folded hands, his eyes hidden behind his dark glasses.

"Well?" he all but snapped, and took such pleasure in watching the proud woman squirm.

"Preliminary reports have confirmed my hypothesis, as far as my submitted theory as to why his synch ratio is so high. Testing confirms that he has almost five times the average amount of dopamine and tetracyclomine in the A10 region in his brain. Coupled with that, it appears that his brain chemistry is mostly consistent of triklamines and thetameines, as compared to the more normal combination of cyclophospates and neurophospates. Altogether, it makes his brain more efficient, and therefore, increases the strength of his ability to synch with Unit-01." She began, her eyes drifting over her test results. Gendo interrupted her before she could finish, to her annoyance, though she wouldn't dare voice it as such.

"I understand that the subject suffered some form of brain damage from the last… incident. How will this play into his ability to synchronize with the Eva?" Ikari asked, and Fuyutsuki winced at the man's cold reference to his own son.

"As far as I can tell, it may have been more beneficial for us. None of the glands that produced the necessary chemicals were damaged. Only his sensory nerves and his endorphin glands were subject to the feedback shock. It's caused him to lose much of his sense of touch and taste, but at the same time, it's also caused him to suffer from deadened pain reception as well. A double-edged sword, to be sure, but one that fell in out favor. I'm sorry to say that his right eye may not be good for much any more, but there are… ways… around that." The woman finished. Gendo paused for a moment, considering his next question.

"Are cybernetics needed?" He finally asked, his tone curious. Ritsuko shook her head in the negative.

"No, as it is now, replacing his eye with an artificial one would be more detrimental than beneficial. It would require some rewiring of the brain, and as it stands, I couldn't guarantee his ability to continue piloting at his current level." She finished out. Gendo nodded, before motioning for her to continue.

"As far as the bone and organ biopsies go, I can't tell you anything specific, other than the fact that he's unusually saturated with LCL. The amount and the density is too great for it to be from his first dip. If you want my opinion, he's been in it before, multiple times, for at least a year, if not more. Nothing else could explain it." She said, her voice lacking inflection.

"I see. Thank you for your report. Leave us, Doctor." The tone left no room for argument, and Ritsuko all but ran out of the room afterwards. Gendo looked to Fuyutsuki for a moment, before speaking.

"This is distinctly disconcerting. I've looked over the results myself, and I agree with Dr. Akagi's diagnosis" said the Commander. He dropped his hands to his desk and opened a nearby drawer, pulling out a notepad and jotting something down.

"Do you think that SEELE might have something to do with that? Don't forget, he was generally out of our sight until just recently." Kozo pondered, before taking the note Gendo had written him, and pocketing it for later thought.

"I don't believe he's a spy, no. I don't think SEELE had much of anything to do with this, at all. It's too direct, too obvious." Gendo countered, putting away the notepad and again crossing his hands.

"Then what do you think, Gendo?" The man in question looked over at his advisor and subordinate, before replying.

"We watch him. Carefully. Something is going on, and my errant son is at the center of it. So we will watch, and we will learn."

"Yes sir." Kozo replied, before all fell silent in the Commander's office.

000

It was another week before Shinji was released. The cause of his seizure was a big unknown, but with its lack of reoccurrence, the medical staff (Dr. Akagi) had cleared him for a return to his life outside of NERV. He'd been healing nicely, as far as everything went, but… Misato could tell something was wrong. Shinji had bags under his eyes, big ones. He wasn't sleeping, much to the older woman's ire. She had spoken to Ritsuko earlier about putting him on some kind of sleep aid, but even then, the boy had refused them, claiming to be alright.

I had taken very little for her to have his living quarters transferred over to hers, once she found out that he'd be otherwise living in the NERV barracks. His father had no interest in living with the boy, and Shinji had no objection either. The ride home had been… quiet, with Shinji lost in his thoughts, face still bandaged. He was smiling though, seemingly at peace. Relaxed seemed to be a good word, but it didn't fit. He was… peacefully tense.

"Shinji?" The older woman asked, her eyes drifting from the road to him and back again. His face was open to her, the bandages that covered half of his head on the side of the windows.

"Hm? Yes Misato?" Came the reply, his one good eye turning to look at her, his distant gaze focusing the raven-haired woman. She smiled at him with a grin that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"What'cha thinking about?" She questioned, her eyes on the road, but her posture leaning towards him. He put a finger to his chin for a moment, ponderingly, before replying.

"Everything." The answer was a bit… cryptic, really. Misato raised an eye towards him, as if she expected more. The boy only gave her another of his small smiles before looking back out the window. There was a moment of silence between the two, and then Shinji continued on.

"I'm just… thinking about how beautiful everything is." The boy said, quietly. He propped himself up on one of his hands, letting silence drift over the two once more. Misato found herself at a loss as to how to respond to that statement. He sounded wistful, as if lost in a dream.

"How so?" She asked, finally. The silence was catching up to them, and on some level, that was bothering her. The boy was quiet, but not in a strange or off-putting kind of way. He just… always seemed lost in thought. He'd been like that since she'd met him, and hadn't changed any throughout his two weeks in the hospital. Granted, one of those weeks was spent in a state of absolute unconsciousness and the other under fairly heavy sedation.

"It's… I'm not sure how to explain it really. I'm looking out across the buildings and the grass and the hills and the trees, and it all seems so… vibrant. New, almost. Like it's the first time I've ever seen it all so… alive, you know?" The boy replied, looking at her, before giving her as full a smile as he could, before looking back over the city proper as they drove along, the setting sun leaving the world around them in a golden halo.

**As if it were on fire, don't you think? Wouldn't it be a sight to watch it all **_**burn.**_

Shinji's undamaged eye shot open, his mouth closing with a snap. Misato heard the click, and turned to look at him, only to gasp. Her foot slammed onto the brake, causing the two of them to skid to a halt.

"Shinji! You're bleeding!" Her voice was distant to the boy, though, as if she were speaking to him under water. His body has seized up, a cold chill drifting over him, sinking into him, making him numb. It wasn't until Misato's hand gripped his shoulders that he was shaken out of it, his focus finding hers. His hand drifted up, slowly, to find her arm, her hand, as it pressed a gauze pad against his face, over his bandaged eye.

"W-what…?" The boy asked, numbly, his fingers drifting over hers, his cloudy face clearing for just a moment.

"Keep that pressed against your eye, Shinji. We're going back to the hospital to get you checked out" she said, her voice thick with concern. Shinji paused for a moment, her words sinking in, before he gently placed a hand on hers as it rested on the wheel. She looked back at him, and he gave her the surest smile he could, which, admittedly, wasn't very sure at all.

"No, Misato. Please. I've spent the last god knows how long cooped up in there. I… I'd like to go home. Really." His words were soft, trapped between assurance and fear, and yet… she found herself hard-pressed to say no to him. She was worried about his injuries, yes, but… he didn't seize up like last time.

"I'm not… I mean…" Misato said, her voice a mix of doubt and worry, but when the boy tightened his grip on her hand, she felt… at ease. Something about his voice, something about it all made her resolve wither.

"Look, if it gets any worse, we can go back and get it checked out in the morning. I may have just agitated it, you know? Really, please." And that broke Misato. Who was she to deny him anything? His state and condition was HER fault, after all. And deep down, she knew that he would be suffering much worse as time went by. The attacks had only just begun, and Ritsuko had told her, on no uncertain terms, that Shinji wasn't going to be allowed to leave.

"Alright, Shinji." She sighed out, her gaze drifting back to the road as she started up the car again, this time taking them back to her apartment. Shinji kept the pad pressed against his eye, though the bleeding seemed to have stopped.

That night, as the two settled in, Shinji found that very little had changed with his stalwart guardian. She was still as messy as ever, still couldn't cook, and still drank more than a fish. But these things didn't bother him, not at all. It was Misato, and he wouldn't want her to be anything but. The only thing, he found, was that she seemed a bit more… subdued, than he remembered. She wasn't as loud, nor as boisterous, and that did bother him.

Shortly after arriving home, Misato had helped Shinji change his bandages. The sight was far from pretty, but it would still be a few weeks before he would be able to safely leave the bandages off. He didn't mind all that much. As long as everything worked right, for the most part, he could survive it. He didn't need to be pretty to pilot.

Afterwards, Shinji took to the shower while Misato relaxed in the kitchen. Lost in her thoughts, she almost missed Pen Pen wandering his was out of the hallway, a confused look on the bird's face (as about confused as a bird _can_ look, anyway) but just wrote it off as nothing. Lost in her thoughts about her young charge, she took little notice of the bird.

_Who is he?_ She could only wonder. It was strange. She may not have been the best judge of character, but she usually had some idea as to the people she deal with. But… in all the time she'd spent with the Third Child, she hadn't managed to glean anything about him. He always seemed so serene, so philosophical. Always looking out, into the sun, into the clouds, lost in thought. He never spoke up, never took any of the hints she dropped him. Conversations between the two were often short, and almost dismissing, and if she didn't know better, she would almost swear the boy didn't like her. But then… he seemed to genuinely enjoy her presence. He always seemed to smile at her with that little half-smile of his, a sense of appreciation, of happiness, wafting through them both when they she spent time with him.

It was strange. He was so much unlike his father, and yet, almost a replica of the cold man. He was invitingly distant. Friendly, but mysterious. It was something that bothered her, more than a little. He didn't let her in, not in the least. She knew there was something wrong with him, something on his mind that left her wondering just what had left the boy so… quiet.

She knew he wasn't sleeping. She knew that he'd had some rather bad nightmares during his stay in the hospital ward, and when she tried to ask him about it, the question was generally brushed off. She had seen the distant look in his eye, the underlying guilt and anger and rage, and it scared her. It was like looking into a cloudy lake, seemingly serene on the surface, but absolute turmoil in the depths, and that bothered her more than she let on.

She reached into her purse, once more, pulling out the file on the boy, hoping that there might be some clue to why he was like he was, all while knowing there wasn't anything there. Still, the action helped, it made her feel like she was doing something, even if it was only in her own mind.

Her eyes drifted to his picture, hanging on the file by a small paperclip. He was such a pretty boy, just on the verge of growing up into what she didn't doubt would be a very handsome young man. All that was gone now. She knew she was responsible, at least partly, for his injuries. She had brought him there, with at least some understanding of what he would be asked to do, and now, because of her, he was stuck piloting. She knew the Commander wouldn't accept any reasoning behind dismissing the boy. He was too valuable. Even the Second Child was nowhere near Shinji's level of ability, and with Unit-02 still almost three months away from completion, they didn't really have a lot of options.

She shut her eyes a moment, and then downed the rest of her beer, before hunting up another and drinking much of it. For fifteen years they'd been planning and plotting and preparing for the Angels. Over a decade of work went into the Geofront and the Evangelions, all to ensure that humanity would have a future, and the best that they, as a collective whole, had accomplished was a machine that sent children into war.

_How ironic._ She thought bitterly, before finishing off the rest of her second beer and finding a third. Shinji would have to fight, and probably die, at her behest, as would Rei and even Asuka, if it came to that. She would sacrifice them willingly to the jaws of the Eva, and deep down, she knew this. She was as bad as Gendo, if not worse. At least he didn't lie about being a bastard. She smiled, and laughed and joked, and she sent children into the breech as she did so.

Because it was necessary.

Because it was survival.

And sometimes, it felt so hollow.

"Misato?" asked the boy in question as he wandered back into the apartment's kitchenette. His hair was wet from the bath, but he was otherwise no different from when he had gone in. She had long since drifted off into her thoughts and hadn't noticed him join her at the table. Several seconds passed as the woman stared at the ceiling, a half-empty beer sitting in front of her before she finally managed to drop her head back down, to finally acknowledge his presence.

"Hey Shinji." She said, or rather, muttered, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol but her attitude subdued. He smiled at her, as best as he could and greeted her warmly. She returned his smile with a small, sad smirk of her own, before dipping back into her beer. Something was wrong. Shinji could feel it, deep down. The woman whom he had come to see as so vibrant, so alive, looked so small, sitting there, nursing her drink and wallowing. It was… disconcerting.

He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but he was interrupted by Misato quickly rising up out of her chair. Silently, he watched her as she wandered to the "beer fridge" as he'd come to call it, all while downing what was left of her last can and digging out her next. She hung there, a moment, unopened can in hand, before sighing and stretching. When she turned, all the exhaustion in her face vanished and she proceeded to send him a beamingly fake smile.

"How do you like it here, Shinji?" The woman asked innocently, swaggering back to her seat as she asked. He boy paused for a moment. The question, the tone, felt so… artificial, so fake, after seeing her from before.

**She's lying to you, Shinji.**

The voice ripped through his thoughts like a knife through rice paper. Suddenly, the whole world felt so cold, so strange. He shivered slightly, as the Misato in his mind slowly took shape, her eyes tired, old, while… while…

_While she kissed him, her lifeblood pouring out through the wounds in her back…_

"Are you alright, Shinji?" The voice shook him, and he blinked, once, twice, before focusing back onto Misato. She had risen and come to his aid, her hands on his shoulders, gently shaking him, concern prevalent in her eyes. The boy shuddered, before looking away, putting a hand to his head as he slowly shook off the sense of fear, the sense of anger, that had gripped him moments ago.

"I… I'm just… tired…" He pushed out, looking back at her as she slowly pulled back. The boy shuddered slightly, once more taking a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. Misato seemed to accept the answer readily enough, even though both knew it was a lie. He wasn't willing to share and she wasn't willing to ask, and that was how the two left it.

"Alright. Yeah, it has been a pretty busy day for you, huh?" The woman said, her tone almost motherly. She stretched, and looked away for a moment before continuing. "You should probably get some sleep, then. We need to get you started on your training regime tomorrow, and you'll be starting school soon, too."

The boy nodded, not really listening. Misato helped her charge up, out of his chair, and towards his room, which had been labeled as "Shinji's Lovely Suite" some time before. He grinned, glad that some things didn't change.

"Thank you Misato. I've been kind of out of it all day." The boy said weakly, before she gently ushered him in.

"It's not a problem, Shinji." The woman replied in kind, before stepping back out into the hallway. Shinji had made his way over to the bed when Misato spoke again, this time her tone quieter, more restrained than before. "You did really well out there Shinji. It was very brave of you to go out and fight. I'm very proud of you."

There was a moment of pause, before the boy responded.

"Thank you, Misato. I won't let you down." The woman smiled as she walked back towards the kitchenette. She was already out of earshot when the boy added, moments later, "Not again." The words were muttered, a silent promise to Misato, to all of them, before he finally let himself fall to his bed, exhaustion taking him.

_**Wake up…**_

_Shinji shot up, his eyes wide with fear as a sense of panic filled him, jolting him from his restful slumber. He sat, gasping for air, his chest heaving harshly as he tried to focus, his mind going in a thousand directions at once. His heart hammered in his chest as he sat in his bed, covers resting in his lap, her eyes wandering the dark room with a sense of… of…_

_**Fear.**_

_The echoing word rang through the small home, causing the boy to fall out of his bed, stumbling away from the comfort of the covers. His body was covered in sweat, even though he felt nothing but icy cold around him._

_**Shinji…**_

_The boy all but dove towards the far wall, where the light switch lay. There was something here, something wrong, something…_

_The light flickered on, bathing the world around him in blessed, blinding light. He was safe. He was… His heart began to thud, it's rhythm matching the beeping sounds of the cardiogram resting on the far wall of the hospital room. Before him, he saw Asuka, body exposed to him, laying there, helpless and catatonic._

_His hand was sticky, warm. He glanced down, and shuddered, his face twisting into disgust as he felt the echoes of his orgasm still thundering though his body. And she just lay there, oblivious to it all. He stared at her, sickened by his own actions, when she looked at him._

_Her lips twisted, her smile rotted and broken as her one-eyed gaze drifted to meet his. Her left eye was gone, replaced by that still empty, bleeding hole. She reached out for him, her lips forming his name as her hand began to split ever so cleanly down the center, dripping crimson with white, gleaming bone exposed, and she still reached for him._

_He fell back, slamming into the automatic door, his nails scratching against the polished linoleum. Slowly, she fell out of her bed, dragging herself across the floor, leaving a trail of blood as her intestines began to fall out and drag themselves behind her._

_The door opened, and he dived through, leaving the girl behind, hearing her wail his name through her broken lips as the door shut behind him._

_It was then that he found himself lying in the empty hallways of NERV Central, the walls coated a rusty red. The door behind him was gone, sealed away behind a wall of rubble. In it, he could see the remains of crushed bodies dripping their lifeblood onto the floor, forming a weaving river that gathered under him._

_He stood, shakily, his world bathed in flashing yellow emergency lights as they flickered around him. He gasped, and felt his gorge well up, turning his stomach as he ran through the open hallway, stumblingly, with his hand dragging against the wall, balancing him even as he tried to ignore the sticky feel of… of…_

_**Misato…**_

_He tripped over her, over her dead body, propped up against the wall before him, her eyes staring blankly outwards, her hands limp at her sides. Her mouth hung open, shocked, scared, as the puddle of blood below her began to widen. Her chest was riddled with holes, with one final one placed between her beautiful brown eyes._

_She looked at him, her head slowly turning to him, her eyes full of pleading fear. Her mouth formed five words, though no sound came out._

_**Why didn't you save me?**_

_Shinji fell to his knees, his fingers gripping his face, his nails digging into his flesh as he fell away from the dead woman. Sinking into the darkness, he saw her, mouthing those same five words, over and over again, her eyes glaring at him accusingly as he drowned in the shadows around him._

_He shut his eyes, tears dripping down his cheeks as he felt his own blood begin to trickle down his forehead from where his nails dug into it. Light flooded him, forcing his eyes open once more, and he found himself kneeling on the Evangelion gantry. His heart was twisting as he stared at the empty eyes of Unit-01, it's gaze drilling into his, endlessly, as if it were going to consume him._

_**Shinji…**_

_He glanced to his right, and found Asuka standing there, stomach ripped out and broken mouth grinning, her severed hand hanging at her side as she slowly shuffled forward…_

_**Shinji…**_

_He glanced to his left, and saw Misato, her bullet riddled body standing there, her dull eyes glaring at him as she reached for him, dragging her feet across he gantry, her shoes leaving a terrible screeching sound in their wake._

_**Shinji…**_

_And slowly, he turned back the face of Unit-01, but it wasn't Unit-01 any more. Before him, floating in the water, was the severed, half-head of Rei, grinning at him with her half-lips and staring into him with her lone eye._

_She opened her mouth, and with Asuka and Misato, they all said one singular word._

_**Shinji…**_

_The boy fell back, off the gantry, towards the LCL below, from which a thousand severed hands reached up and pulled him in, dragging him down, slowly… slowly…_

Shinji's eyes opened, his body covered in a cold sweat. In his hands lay the blankets, crushed under his unrelenting grip. He shuddered, his breathing ragged as the memories of his dream assaulted him. The images were so vivid, so alive. He was afraid to shut his eyes, afraid to see those sights again, those broken lips and accusing eyes.

Almost afraid to blink, he slowly turned his head, finding the alarm clock. It was barely after two in the morning, the sun still several hours from rising. Minutes passed as he lay there, staring at the digital readout, taking solace in the crimson light of the numbers. He could feel his heart beating, it's thrumming against his chest as he lay there, his breathing slowly returning to normal.

It was then that he heard the roll of thunder, with a flash of lightning that followed. At the corner of his eye, he saw something, like a child, standing there looking at him, but… he couldn't see it, couldn't focus. It left him feeling terrified, afraid to get up, to rise and meet that phantom. Instead he simply lay there, while his ghost looked on with gleeful eyes and a twisted smirk.

Too afraid to go back to sleep, and too scared to move, he simply lay there as the patter of rain began accosting their home, the quiet randomness leaving him with nothing but the silent stare of his nightmare staring back at him as he bore his gaze into those empty, glowing numbers.

Shinji didn't go back to sleep that night, as the rain and the thunder and the lightning made its way across the skies. He simply waited, feeling exhausted but unable to sleep. It was just like when he was in the hospital, lying there at night, staring at the ceiling. The same dreams, the same echoes, ones that he had hoped wouldn't follow him home.

_But there isn't any escape, is there?_ He asked silently into the night, his empty stare burning into the clock before him.

**No…** The shadows answered, and then, with the faint roll of rain on his window, he imagined that he could hear the most insidious laughter on the wind as the answer was whispered to him.

In the morning, when the sun had finally risen and the boy slipped from bed, he found himself alone in the apartment, as Misato was still blissfully unconscious and Pen Pen doing whatever he did in the early hours. Shinji, on the other hand, found himself sitting a the table, in one of those wooden chairs, his eyes burning with sleepiness but his mind too awake to allow him to drift, the memories of his latest nightmare still echoing through his head.

He felt… so weak, so exhausted. His lay his arms upon the table, and in the morning light, let his head droop down to rest against the table. He was just… so tired…

His eyes began to droop again, in the eve of the morning light. It was so peaceful, so… very… quiet…

**Go back to sleep.**

The boy's head shot up, and from the momentum, caused the chair to tip back, and then over. There was a loud smack as his skull rattled off the floor, and for a time, he simply lay there. He didn't think, didn't focus. He just… drifted along, watching the slowly turning ceiling fan.

Moments passed before he finally dragged himself up. He knew that Misato had nothing for him to cook, and beyond coffee, he doubted he'd find anything but beer and ramen in the cupboards. Before, he'd never let Misato do the grocery shopping. He always was the one who bought the vegetables and meats and soup stock. With his injury and subsequent hospitalization, he hadn't had the time nor the chance to stock the shelves.

But… coffee and ramen really wasn't that bad an option, at this point. He wasn't sure he'd be able to cook anything more complicated, and the black liquid, while scalding, bland and grainy, was enough to bring him to coherence. He thought about his nightmares. They'd been haunting him ever since he'd awakened in that hospital room almost a week prior. They kept him from sleeping, whispering the song of his failures into his mind like the specters they were.

But he didn't hate them, no. They didn't let him forget. He couldn't forget. Never, because if he did, he'd make the same mistakes, and fail them all over again.

He looked at his hand, clenched into a fist, his mind filled with the failures of his past life, of the things he should have done, could have done, and failed to do. He had the blood of a planet on his hands, of friends and family and acquaintances and strangers. He could have saved them, and he didn't.

**You failed. You let them die, Shinji. You let **_**her**_** die. **The words were haunting, like the darkest of whispers, even as he recalled the empty look in _her _eyes, the lost, hopeless feeling that he'd had when he thought of her. He'd failed her. He couldn't fail her again.

**But you will, Shinji.** The voice chuckled. The boy slammed his coffee cup down onto the table, splashing his hand with the hot liquid, but he paid it no mind.

"Shut up." He muttered, ignoring the pain as it covered his hand. The coffee wasn't hot enough to burn him, and so, he dismissed it as he forcefully silenced the voice in his head.

It was an hour later before Misato awoke, and then went through her morning routine. Shinji had heard her wandering around, well before she ever made it to the kitchen, and had already cleaned up the spilt coffee while having prepared her her own bowl of instant noodles, along with her morning beer.

Misato, looking somewhat better than the night before, happily accepted her meal (if it could indeed be called that), before laying out Shinji's schedule for the upcoming week. It went pretty much as he'd expected it to, with the bulk of his time spent in training and synch testing, along with more than a few medical checkups just to make sure his face was healing appropriately, followed by more training and testing. Shinji expected no less, considering the fact that he'd already been three weeks inundated with NERV protocol the last time around, where as now he was just walking into the operation in the eyes of the Commanders thanks to his stint in the hospital.

He'd yet to even meet Rei, although he knew to be important that he at least try to build some kind of working relationship with her. By the time he'd awakened for the first time, she was already out of the ICU and had been sent home. And while Misato had told him that she would be sending him to school some time in the next few weeks, his Eva training held the priority as of right now.

The morning went by far too slowly for Shinji's taste. Misato had been warmer to him than she had been the night before, but the boy could still feel that sense of… something between the two of them. He would smile, and she would back, in that half-smile way that she did, and they would exchange a few words, but nothing of consequence, and then go back to ignoring one another.

It had to change. Shinji couldn't take this coldness between the two of them. As they walked out to the car, Shinji couldn't help but notice the scent of the fresh rain that wafted through the air. He paused for a moment, his exposed eye drifting to the cloudless sky and sighed as the rains had already passed some time last night.

He looked back at Misato, and not for the first time, realized that he didn't really get to know her as well as he had thought. She always seemed so… solid, like a rock or a pillar. He'd needed that strength when he was starting out, but, after everything that had happened between the two, everything that he'd seen, felt, between he and Misato… it wasn't real. He'd seen her as this savior that could make everything right, but… she wasn't. He just wanted her to be. It was almost… stupid.

"Is this even real?" He asked himself, looking into that endless blue abyss. Misato, taking a moment to start up the car, looked over to the boy, and saw… she didn't know what. It looked like regret, but… not. Resignation, maybe, or the realization as to his obligation with the Eva.

"Hey," She began, her tone softer than usual. Shinji looked over at her, his gaze tired and, for the first time, lined with dark rings of a sleepless night. The woman all but winced, but the boy simply smiled at her in the way he did. "Are you up for this?" She asked after a moment, and the boy nodded.

He stepped into her car, quietly, before shutting the door and buckling his seatbelt. The started the car, and the two drove off, headed towards one of the closer NERV terminals. The woman looked at him, at his tired, wistful gaze, and felt a great sense of regret. She opened her mouth to speak, before closing it and looking away.

"What's wrong, Misato?" The question came as a surprise to her. The boy wasn't even looking at her, but his tone was focused at her. She cleared her throat, and glanced at him, plastering a fake smirk onto her face.

"Nothing, Shinji…" She began to wave him off, but his face shifted to meet hers and he uttered a single word.

"Liar." And that caused her to stop. Literally. The blue Alpine skidded slightly as she gaped at him, the car screeching to a halt in the middle of the street.

"Now look here-" She began, her tone indignant. Guilty or not, she wasn't going to put up with him sassing her.

"Why are you so sad, Misato?" He asked, his tone still soft, his focus on her, and just by looking at him, she felt the weight of it all come crashing down onto her shoulders, sucking away her anger and leaving nothing but regret. She couldn't stand to meet his gaze, her face turning away from the boy. She muttered something nearly unintelligible, but the boy just smiled at her.

"Why do you feel guilty?" He asked, catching her off guard. She tried not to look at him, really tried, and could only fail miserably.

"It's my fault." She whispered, and Shinji didn't need to guess as to what she was talking about. While he wasn't the most observant of people, he knew that there was very little she would be faulting herself over, especially when it concerned him. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and looked her squarely in the eye.

"I forgive you." He said, as earnestly as he could. She looked at him with some astonishment, and shook her head.

"But… but it's my fault, Shinji! I sent you out there, I made you pilot, I got you hu-" He cut her off with a look, and she fell silent as he took a deep breath.

"I chose to pilot. It was my decision, Misato. I could have run away, but if I did, what would have happened?" Shinji asked her. He didn't giver her a chance to answer, cutting her off before she even began. "What were the chances of you UN pushing back or killing the Angel? How many people would have died? I made the choice to get in, to pilot that damned machine. I went out there on my own."

"But-" She began, her voice tired. He raised a hand and she stopped talking. She didn't know why, but there was… something about Shinji that made her want to hear him out.

"You did the best you could. You tried to help me, and that's all you did. If we don't fight these things, then we all die, Misato. Don't second guess yourself, not now, not about this. You didn't do this to me." He motioned towards his bandaged face. "The Angel did. It hurt me, but we beat it. That's what matters."

Shinji sighed, pulling himself up in his seat, finally glancing away from the woman. "We've only known each other for a few days, Misato, but I like to think we're friends." he said, turning back to her, his single eye staring into hers, "And as your friend, I'm telling you that you have nothing to feel bad about. I forgive you of anything you might have done to hurt me."

Misato sat there, her mouth a tight line as her eyes stared into his, looking for any hint of dishonesty. She found none. She took a shuddering breath, her chest heaving slightly as she took in the weight of his words.

"You really mean it, don't you." It wasn't a question. Shinji only smiled and nodded, before taking her hands in his.

"We're a team, Misato. You're the brains and I'm the muscle, and together we can take on anything. Right?" He asked, his tone much more relaxed. She smiled back at him, openly, and agreed.

"Right." And with that, she started up the car again, taking them back towards the Geofront. She looked over at Shinji as they drove, and he looked back to her with a smile.

_You really are a funny guy, Shinji Ikari._ Misato thought, feeling so much lighter than before. _Strange, mysterious, and kinda odd, but… _And her mind left it at that. She still didn't really know him, but maybe, just maybe, she was starting to figure the boy out.

Shinji, on the other hand…

**What a lovely speech, Shinji. You almost believed it yourself.** A dark part of his mind chuckled, causing him to grip his seat tightly. He felt that he'd settled whatever was between he and Misato, but there was still so much to do, and he knew he was running out of time. The Fourth was coming, and he knew, deep down, that he had only days, not weeks, to prepare.

_~End Chapter 2~_

**Author's Note:** Well, that's chapter 2. I can honestly say that it was a pleasure writing (as my editor tells me that I've managed to write one of the more disturbing scenes of my career) and I hope you all enjoyed it! I know, it was a bit more of a filler chapter, but don't you worry! We'll get some more angel killing action come next chapter thanks to the giant, floating di-I mean Shamshel, so stay tuned! Also, a big thanks to all of my readers who reviewed, as I can honestly say that I love hearing from you guys and gals and whatever else you might be out there. Keep 'em coming!

Originally I didn't think that I'd get this chapter out so quickly. I set myself a two week window to get it all done and my muse just went into overdrive. Again, I'll set myself that two week window from here on and see about getting the next chapter done on time as well, so cross your fingers and pray the Battlefield 2142 angel doesn't visit me again, hehe.

Oh, and for those of you who don't know him, check out Mister Cynical. He writes the good shit. Seriously. A lot of his general writing style's influenced my own, and I gotta say, the man weaves a good yarn, so check him out if you have the time.

Until next time! Ja ne~

J. Finch

**Musical Inspiration**

The Outsider/Strangers/Weak and Powerless/Suicidal Imbeciles -- A Perfect Circle

Dijurido -- Cowboy Bebop OST

Is it Real --Yoko Kanno

Various NGE A.M.V.s on Youtube. (So sue me, I'm lazy)


	3. Chapter 3

"How are you doing in there Shinji?" Misato said over the radio transceiver, her voice muffled by the A10-100 Connector unit that had been presented to Shinji by a most excited Ritsuko, who had spent countless hours tweaking and fine tuning the helmet-like apparatus that now covered the boy's head in place of the A10 Standard connectors.

"I'm alright, Misato." The boy replied as he let his hand drift up to the open-faced helm, adjusting it slightly. Altogether, the angular unit was little more than a glorified A10 connector, though he knew I that it was probably filled with a mess of electronics that he couldn't even begin to understand. He knew that Ritsuko had taken a few moments to go over exactly what it did, but beyond the statements of "It keeps you from being physically injured" and "Increases your overall reaction time" the bulk of her explanation had been techno babble to his ears.

However, the increase was greatly appreciated when Misato informed him that Unit-01 was going to be fielding the F-type equipment from then on, mostly due to the B-type equipment's lower armor rating. If Shinji's memory served, the F-type equipment was made using some kind of super-dense titanium, and had advanced N.B.C. shielding, which was why he'd used it during the Jet-Alone incident. If the prototype had gone critical, the armor would have protected him and his Eva from the massive fallout of a reactor meltdown.

Thinking back, Shinji remembered why he'd only fielded the heavy armor during that incident. The titanium plating was very, very dense, and therefore, several magnitudes heavier than the B-type equipment, which sapped reflex and reaction time from the boy back when he was still synching between fifty and sixty percent. While wearing it, he'd barely been able to work the Eva's fingers, and he'd felt like his arms and legs were tied to lead weights, which made using it highly impractical, considering the amount of skill needed to use the varying weapons the Evangelions had at their disposal.

Now though, with his synch ratio near a hundred percent, the lag time between movements was minimal, and the overbearing weight of the plate armor was mitigated by a notable factor, even though it still sapped his stamina like nothing else. Ultimately, the raven-haired Captain had decided that, thanks to his "gift" with piloting the Eva, he could handle the additional armor, and the boy couldn't fault her for it. Considering his knowledge of coming events, the armor would be a small mercy.

This, of course, didn't really matter much to Shinji as he felt his muscles straining under the weight of the armor. Initially, he'd felt clumsier and there was more strain on his body than he remembered, but he'd shrugged it off for the most part. Now, coming onto his fifth hour running movement sims under Misato, his muscles screamed with pain and his limbs felt like rubber. He heard Misato's voice coming over the headset once more, urging him on, pushing him harder, telling him to run the simulation again.

For a moment, Shinji paused, his chest heaving as the LCL's super-oxygenating properties pumped the life-giving air through his system at a phenomenal rate. Without that boon, he knew he wouldn't have been able to continue. Even though the drills were nothing complex, just running and jumping and a few simple agility exercises, with the added weight of the armor and the constant repetition, his body felt like rubber.

"Come on, Shinji. We need you to get as acclimated to the F-type equipment as you can as quickly as possible. Your new helmet should be taking some of the strain off your body, but we're still reading a degree of feedback interference from the heavier armor composites. You need to keep going." It was Ritsuko's voice, her tone as usual, cold and disinterested lilt. He could see her standing there, clipboard in hand, reading down some checklist or another, scribbling her notes, totally ignorant of how hard piloting was. It… agitated him. He really didn't like thinking badly of anyone, but he just… didn't like the doctor. They'd never been particularly close, and barring the handful of times the woman came over, he'd never spent much time with her outside of a professional setting.

"I'm trying." Shinji muttered, once more lifting the control nodes and grunting as he felt his muscles straining. In the control booth, Ritsuko and Misato stood side by side, the former jotting things down on her ever present clipboard while the latter watched through the observation window, cup of coffee in her hand and offering words of encouragement to the boy. Aoba and Maya were in the background, monitoring his physical and mental states respectively, feeding the other dozen or so technicians information while they remotely tuned the A10-100's sensor connections.

It had been a long two weeks for all of them, between the repairs and modifications made to Unit-01, the rushed development of the A10-100 helmet and the redesign of the A10 dampeners , all of which would have taken months without the help of the Magi. Even then, the Commander had been pushing for more. More testing for Shinji, more fine tuning for the new helmet, more development on the Dummy plug system.

_And it's just going to get worse with time._ Ritsuko thought to herself with a sense of resignation. Her gaze drifted out to Unit-01, which continued to move to the will of its pilot in the zero-g training room. The name brought a small smile to the doctor's face, though, as the room was simply a giant swimming pool that had the large Evangelion floating in it. True, they had to flood the water with helium and nitrogen just to get the hundred-plus ton machine off the ground, but, for all intents and purposes, the idea was the same.

Lost in her thoughts, the blonde almost missed the telltale swish of the door opening. Through it strode Gendo Ikari, the Commander himself, his gaze hidden behind the orange tint of his sunglasses, his bearded face cold and his uniform immaculate. Immediately the room fell silent as the man made his way to the observation window, standing beside Dr. Akagi. With his hands folded behind his back, the Commander stood silently as the rest of the room quietly continued, scarcely speaking unless it was to give a status update or minor adjustment.

"Status?" Was the only word he said, sending a shudder down the collective spines of those in the room. He glanced over to Ritsuko expectantly after a moment of silence.

"Uhm… Well, from what we can tell, the new A10-100 Connector is working at near ninety percent efficiency, which is surprising considering its fairly… uh… new design and the amount of alteration we made to the original A10 design. The feedback's been reduced by nearly seventy percent, but we're picking up bits of interference from the headset. It's nothing unexpected, but it has reduced Shinji's overall synch ratio by a total of seven percent. We've managed to tune the unit enough to reduce the interference, but we're going to have to go in there after we finish up to do some manual adjustments later."

"I see. And how is the pilot's reactionary time with the new armor?" The man looked to the doctor, his voice that same icy tone that often left her shuddering.

"Well… altogether it seems like he's not having much trouble outside of the fact that he's been showing some level of muscle strain and a lactic acid buildup in his upper forearm and thigh regions, however, it may just be general exhaustion from all the testing. His reverse synchronization is sitting at around thirty-seven percent, so he is probably suffering from the "phantom limb" phenomenon that was documented by NERV-Germany during the Second's initial training. It may be manifesting itself to a greater degree with Shinji just because of his greater synch ratio" the doctor noted, before walking over to Maya's work station. Gendo glanced back to the suspended Unit-01 and placed a hand on his chin.

"I see. Captain?" Misato looked over to the elder Ikari. For the most part she'd been trying to ignore the Commander, but when addressed, she snapped around to look at him.

"Yes, sir?" She asked, looking back to the floating Eva before taking a sip of her coffee (which she'd nearly spilled all over herself when the man had addressed her). The boy was going through the third set of action calisthenics. The sight of the Evangelion doing twists and stretches would have been comical, had it not been for the fact that one miscalculation and a five-ton hand would go slamming into a wall.

"Have you begun the pilot's arms and tactics training yet?" he asked, and Misato cringed slightly. She'd been putting it off, using Shinji's stay in the care ward as an excuse to slack a bit. Her silence was enough of an answer for Gendo. "I see. I expect you to have him up to speed by Friday on all of the basics, and I want him to have at least thirty hours of advanced simulation training. We've lost enough time as it is due to his recovery." The man continued after a moment's time. "Also, see about putting Shinji together with one of the trainers. I want him physically able to keep up with Unit-01. He does us no good if he can't make his Eva run half a mile without exhausting himself."

"Y-yes sir!" Gendo waved off the Captain's salute. He looked back to Ritsuko while Misato turned back to Shinji and Unit-01.

"Keep me informed of his progress. I want to see you in my office once you're done here." And with that, the man left, the silent swish of the door the only thing that marked his passage. Ritsuko sighed. She knew that tone of voice, and was glad she had worn the black panties today. Misato shot her a curious look, but the doctor, in a very practiced motion, shrugged it off.

Several minutes passed as the two women continued to observe Shinji. Ritsuko mostly silent as she continued to jot notes, and Misato giving the boy instruction through her own COM unit. The feelings of tension had left with the elder Ikari, and the crews manning the varying councils managed to regain their equilibrium fairly quickly.

"How are you holding up Shinji?" Misato asked, once Ritsuko had wandered off to handle some other task that required her expert touch. The raven-haired woman was very much aware of the stress that this particular training exercise had wrought on her charge. When a groan and a weak chuckle came back as the reply, she could only shake her head and call her blonde co-worker over.

"Can we get him out of there yet? I don't think he's going to make it much longer otherwise. Aoba's readings are showing a lot muscle strain and his heart rate is getting pretty high up there" she said to Ritsuko, who only sighed.

"Alright, Misato. Tell him that we're finished up for the day. We need to get into that helmet anyway" the scientist replied, motioning for the crew to start shutting down the plug and draining the zero-g chamber. The process took all of fifteen minutes, and Shinji had already painstakingly made his way back to the changing rooms.

His body hurt like nothing he'd ever felt before. His arms and legs felt like jelly, and he found his knees and elbows weren't bending as much as they should have. Coupled with that, he had to get his bandages changed now that they were completely soaked through with a combination of LCL and sweat, and ended up irritating the healing flesh they covered.

However, he didn't want to complain. He was happy about the new helmet, at the least. It made him feel more secure than the old A10 hair clips had, and he definitely didn't mind the added armor of the F-type equipment either. He just… had to get used to it. He had meant to get some exercise in before, but when Asuka came into the picture, a lot of things went onto the back burner, and eventually became never.

_I'm paying for it._ He thought with a groan, as he shrugged off the duraplastic plug-suit, noting, with a frown on his face, that he stank like nothing else . He didn't care what anyone said. Mixing plug suit and any kind of heavy workout was a bad idea. He was just glad that the suits were steam washed and pressure dried, which, theoretically, would make that wretched boot-stink go away.

The shower was heavenly, and the walk back to Misato's car was… interesting, granted that he was so tired he could barely focus on getting the door open, and had effectively given the window a kiss when he failed to open the door, but tried to get in anyway. When Misato got in, it was with a rather notable number of booklets and charts, which she dropped into Shinji's lap after he'd seated himself. He gave her a confused look while picking up one of the books, which read "NERV Advanced Tactics Manual: Vol. II" jn big, black letters.

"I'm sorry Shinji, but it's the Commander's orders. You've got to memorize all of those" she said, as the boy fished through the manuals. The charts that showed the locations of the varying utility buildings didn't really bother him much, as he remembered most of them, as well as their locations and functions fairly well, but the tactics manuals were fairly new. He wasn't sure what to make of that, but he still filed it away for later.

By the time they'd gotten back to Misato's apartment, Shinji had all but fallen through the door, stumbling over the threshold and into the three-bedroom condo. Behind him, the woman appeared, carrying the mess of books in her arms. She really did feel sorry for the boy. He looked so exhausted, with those black rings around his eyes and the fact that he seemed to be having trouble moving.

"Go sit down, Shinji. I'll go make up some ramen, alright?" Misato's tone said she would brook no argument, which the boy conceded. Discretion being the better part of valor and all that. Plus, he was barely able to lift the books the woman had given him (and thankfully offered to carry up for him).

"Thank you, Misato." Shinji sighed, before unceremoniously dropping onto the couch and letting out a small whimper. His limbs protested the action, but then, they had been protesting _any _action after that grueling six hour stint in the Eva.

"Once you eat, you may want to head off to bed, kiddo. You've got an early morning tomorrow" she chuckled from the kitchen, and the boy shuddered at the tone she used. He painstakingly stood up from the couch and hobbled over to the kitchenette, before asking a question that he knew he would regret.

"Early morning?" he asked, leaning against the counter in the small side-room. Misato looked over from her pot of ramen and nodded with a grin on her face.

"A-yup! The Commander said he wanted at least thirty hours of advanced Sim training, and we've got less than a week before school starts! You're gonna be pretty busy with that, training and dealing with the ExcerNazi." she said, fishing a beer from the "beer fridge" as Shinji had taken to calling it. He gave a small grin at the mention of school. He was already a few weeks behind from his unintended hospital stay, but there was nothing he could do about that. He did miss hanging out with Kensuke and Toji, but… wait.

"ExcerNazi?" he asked, already not liking the sound of that. Misato gave a chuckle.

"Commander's orders. You're going to be reporting to Takeshi Kago tomorrow morning for physical conditioning. The guy's an exercise nut, but he knows his stuff, really. Helped me keep this" she winked, running her hands over her body and winking at the boy, who proceeded to blush rather badly, eliciting a snort from the woman.

"Oi…" Shinji groaned, before hanging his head. Misato could only pat him on the head in mock-sympathy before turning back to her food.

"Oh, relax. He's really very good at what he does. He might be able to help you with some of your joint stiffness, actually" she said thoughtfully, as she placed a bowl of steaming ramen in front of Shinji, who proceeded to eat it very slowly. It wasn't all that bad, really, except for the barbeque flavored curry that Misato had taken to liking, and was slathered on top of his meal.

They finished their meals in silence, Misato's attempts to start a conversation lost on the boy as he slowly began to drift off at the table. She had practically pushed him to his room after the second time he almost kissed his dinner, and stashed the mess that was her ramen and curry into the fridge for later consumption.

That night, despite Shinji's exhaustion, he had found his sleep fleeting, and full of disturbing dreams that seemed to haunt him when he shut his eyes. Ultimately, like every other night, he found himself awake at the early hours of the morning, tormented by phantoms that whispered to him while he all but hid under the covers. As soon as the sun rose, Shinji had fled his own dark room, and again, spent the early hours staring off into space as the minutes ticked by, mocked by the voices in his head.

He'd already changed his own bandages and showered, having forgotten to do so the night prior, not counting the fire-hose experience that was a shower at NERV. It bothered him more than a bit that the his burns didn't seem to be healing all that well, and his eye was… disturbing…

_Damn it all._ He thought darkly. This wasn't supposed to be like… well… this. Things were supposed to be better, but so far all he'd managed to accomplish was helping Toji's sister, and thanks to that incident, he had a burn that covered the entirety of the lower right side of his head and the loss of most of the use of his eye. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.

His mind drifted aimlessly after that. Being tired… clouded his head, made everything seem slower. Even after downing several cups of coffee he was still unable to focus. He needed… something…

**Her?**

An image of Asuka shot into his mind, and for a moment, he savored it, as if it were the sweetest wine, even as his mind twisted the image, he still savored her, dreamed of her, wanted her…

…_as he felt the echoes of his orgasm still thundering though his body. And she just lay there, oblivious to it all._

At that instant, his body heaved. He vomited hard, his small frame shuddering as the bile forced its way up at the image. And the _pain_… his hand shot to his bandaged eye as it throbbed, feeling as if someone had just stuck a hot needle into it, his fingers gripping it as he stumbled up out of his chair and over to the kitchenette's sink.

The running water did little to stem the pain, reducing it only to 'burning' from 'white hot', but he supposed he shouldn't be picky. It was another half an hour before he was able to pry his fingers from where they held his face, the digits stained a sticky red against the paleness of his skin.

"Damn you…" He growled at himself as he slowly recovered, the echoes from his waking nightmare leaving him shaken. It took him several more minutes to get the mess cleaned up, during which he heard the beginnings of Misato's return to the land of the living as she rumbled around her room. He decided to make haste with his cleaning, lest his wayward guardian decide to pop out and raise some uncomfortable questions. As it turned out, his haste was wasted, as she didn't manage to drag herself from her room for another hour.

When Misato did finally emerge, it was to the sweet scent of breakfast, which, like all of their other meals, consisted of ramen and coffee (or beer). Shinji was still kicking himself for not going shopping, but these last few days had been too hectic for him to sneak away long enough to get some real food. _Perhaps tonight… _The boy thought to himself.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, Misato either not noticing or not commenting on the distinctly lemony-scent that permeated her kitchen. Shinji had eaten quickly, and had already fed Pen Pen his morning sardines, so once Misato was dressed, the two were off. The woman hadn't commented on the black bags hanging under her charge's visible eye, or the slight fidgetiness that he'd developed, and he'd generally ignored any major attempts to start a conversation, which ultimately led to the two simply sitting in silence as Misato drove them to NERV.

As Misato escorted the boy to the training center, she thought back to the mostly silent breakfast they'd shared. Shinji had been a mess, with his hair ruffled and matted and his eye bloodshot. He'd been twitching something awful in the car, which she had attributed to the fact that he'd downed an entire pot of coffee over breakfast and still seemed a bit sluggish. It bothered her more than a bit, as she knew that the boy hadn't been sleeping well during his hospital stay. She knew something was wrong, but he was… dismissive of the topic when she'd tried to bring it up.

She knew he was trying to avoid whatever was bothering him, and it wasn't effecting his performance as a pilot yet, but she knew that maybe she should speak to Ritsuko about it while the boy was getting acquainted with Trainer Kago. She knew that her blonde friend wasn't an actual medical doctor, but still, she had to know something about what was going on.

The trip took but a few minutes, both Misato and Shinji silent, lost in their thoughts. He followed the Captain, and eventually found himself standing before the glass doors of the training center. The building itself was of notable size, and filled with a wide and varying selection of exercise equipment, gym mats and even some sports gear. Located off to the side of the building was a set of stairs that, if the sign above them was accurate, lead to a pool and the changing rooms.

There were a number of people in the room, from various staff to security personnel, all grinding away in what looked to be their regular routines, each being assisted by a rather large man who drifted among the group, offering up advice or a spotter, if needed. A moment passed before he finally made his way to where Misato was standing, with Shinji effectively in the background. The two adults exchanged a few quick words before Misato turned to the boy.

"Alrighty then, Shinji. This is Trainer Kago, and he'll be handling your workout schedule from now on. Be sure to listen to what he says and try your hardest!" The woman's her enthusiasm came off as a bit forced. That said, Misato made her way towards the entrance as the large man stepped up to the boy. Shinji found himself a bit swamped by the one called Trainer Kago, as he barely made it up to the man's well-muscled chest.

"Indeed! Well then, Mr. Ikari," Kago started, a wide, friendly grin on his face, "We have a lot of work to do, but before we get started, we need to see what you can do. So we're gonna push you, and pull you, and run you ragged. Sounds like a blast, eh?" the physical trainer exclaimed excitedly, and the boy looked back to the door, but saw that his wayward guardian had already abandoned him to the mercies of the one she called the ExcerNazi.

"Yeah. A blast." The boy muttered out eventually, his tone flat and his shoulders slumped. The large man in front of him took no notice, and all but dragged Shinji into the depths of the training center.

After leaving the training center, Misato had found her way down into the lower section of the massive pyramid-like structure of NERV Central. The halls were chilly with the stagnant flavor of recycled air and frigid under the coolness of the climate controlled underground. It was strangely fitting, considering where she was headed.

The Science Division always seemed to creep her out. Something about the sterile environment and the general sense of wrongness she got from wandering the pristine white hallways always left her shuddering inside. She didn't know how Ritsuko could handle it. She knew that her cohort spent more than a few double shifts locked behind the doors of her office, located in the heart of Section Eight. But then, the faux-blonde was the Director… so she could understand, to some capacity, how Ritsuko might like it a bit better down there.

Nodding to one of the wandering scientists, Misato continued, her eyes drifting over the open observation windows that showed the Eva cages in their full glory, with Units 00 and 01 locked in stasis, Terminator Plugs locked in their spinal sockets and floating in their LCL baths.

"Ah, Misato! I was just about to go looking for you. What can I do for you?" came a voice off to her side. Misato didn't even have to look to know it was Ritsuko, standing in all of her glory and preening in a way not unlike one of the scientist's cats after catching a particularly fat bird. Instead, she opted to stare out over the Eva cages and continue her silent observation of the two. Ritsuko waltzed up beside her, and gave a short whistle.

"They are something, aren't they? Mankind's only defense against the beings we call Angels" the woman beside Misato began, before leaning up against the railing. Misato glanced at her, and noticed the A10-100 helmet in her hands. Ritsuko only nodded, slowly, before turning and walking away from the window.

"Yeah, I suppose. It's just…" Misato faltered, looking away, before sighing. Ritsuko glanced at the woman for a moment, waiting for her to continue. "It's Shinji, I guess" she finally forced out.

"Oh? What's wrong with him?" the scientist asked, her voice with it's usual detached lilt. She leaned forward, letting the helmet hang down in her hands.

"I don't think he's been sleeping very well. He's got bags under his eyes and he's been drinking a lot of coffee in the morning, and well…" Misato let the statement hang. Ritsuko could see the veiled concern in her compatriot's eyes, and let off a small sigh.

"Is it mental contamination, do you think?" That caught Misato's attention, and her features became strained with worry.

"I… I don't know. Maybe. Can you…?" The question hung in the air, and Ritsuko nodded, her consent.

"I'll schedule him for a preliminary exam later on today. If there are any signs of mental contamination, it's best we know as soon as possible. Considering his unprecedented synch ratio, it is a real possibility, especially considering that the A10 dampeners were pretty much useless for the bulk of his first encounter." At that, the scientist started down the hallway, Misato following closely behind her.

"Thank you, Ritsuko" was all the older woman could say, her tone grateful. The scientist nodded, before stopping at one of the many doors lining the interior of the hall. She smoothly punched a series of keys while Misato stood by, silently. The door opened with a nearly-silent swish. Ritsuko turned to the Captain.

"It's not a problem. Shinji is our best pilot, even though he hasn't had the same level of training as Rei or Asuka. If anything's wrong with him, we need to deal with it now" Ritsuko said with a detached tone, before stepping into the laboratory. "Just bring him to the Infirmary after he finishes with today's Sim training. I'll meet you two there, after I give the Commander his progress report."

Ritsuko didn't wait for an affirmation, even though the words were already on Misato's tongue by the time the automatic door shut itself behind the doctor. She stood there a moment, before finally turning away and heading back towards Section Five, where the Sim chambers lay, even as the bulk of Unit-01 began to make its descent towards the lifts through the window beyond. Shinji still had an hour before Kago would let him go, and there was much that needed to be done before the boy came in for his testing.

With her worries eased, the woman continued onwards, her thoughts drifting to the day's schedule and simulation breakdown. She didn't know how much time they had before the next angel, but she would be damned if Shinji wasn't ready for it when it came.

000

Later that night, a certain blonde-haired doctor found herself standing before the unforgiving gaze of Gendo Ikari, and his equally monolithic Second, Kozo Fuyutsuki, as she gave her report on the boy and his progression.

"…as far as the helmet goes, we're still in the process of fine tuning the sensory receptor equipment. It was lucky that NERV Germany still had Doctor Sohryu's old prototype stashed away, or we'd still be groping around with those A10 connectors. After today's set of preliminary tests, however, we should have everything prepared by the week's end." She finished, and she could swear that Gendo had a small smile on his lips when she did.

"Excellent. I want you to proceed with the next stage of neuron-bypass programming as soon as the option becomes viable. Make sure that the F34 and R17 connectors are running at maximum efficiency, and have an active scanner running at all times. I want to know just how he managed to synch so well with Unit-01" the Commander said, his tone icy, demanding, and darkly pleased.

"Yes, sir" Ritsuko replied, the very words sending a cool shiver down her spine. She tried to cover up the motion with the ruffling of the papers on her clipboard, but the act wasn't lost on either of the men. A moment passed, before Ritsuko continued, her voice sure, even if she wasn't, herself. "Also, Captain Katsuragi came to me this morning with regards to a possible deviation in Shinji's psyche" she began, and winced when she felt the heated stare Gendo sent her.

The man's feelings for the boy were well known to the doctor, and for that, she pitied the poor pilot. Gendo would use him up, just like everyone else he ever came in contact with, and then discard him. While such a thing didn't bother her, not explicitly, she did still feel a touch of unease at the same prospect applying to her.

"I see. Will this… deviation… cause any problems with the schedule you've submitted?" The question was phrased carefully, albeit directly. Ritsuko cleared her throat before answering.

"After running a preliminary MRI on the boy and giving him a full workup, I can say that there doesn't seem to be any sign of any sort of mental contamination. With our limited knowledge of the human brain, it's very possible that he may be developing some form of psychosis or another, but as yet, I've not seen any reason for us to be concerned. It may just be nightmares, or something equally unimportant. I did prescribe him a general sleep aid and a mild painkiller for his facial wounds, however. I suspect we'll be able to remove the bandages completely by next Thursday, if he keeps healing at the rate he is." Ritsuko finished, coolly, before letting the clipboard hang under her folded arm. The Commander motioned for Fuyutsuki, and the older man leaned in. The two exchanged a few words before the Commander looked back at her.

"I see. So long as this doesn't interfere with the Dummy Plug program, I see no reason to further invest any of NERV's resources in the matter. You have authorization to take any steps you might find necessary in keeping the boy in check, but otherwise, the completion of the program should be your primary concern."

"Yes, sir" Ritsuko nodded. Gendo gave her another look, and again, she felt a shudder flare down her spine, this one for a very different reason. Gendo looked to Kozo, and nodded. The older man sighed, but said nothing as he left. The door swished shut, the noise almost lost in the massive office, but not before catching a glimpse of the doctor slowly slinking forward, her lab coat already well on it's way to the floor behind her.

000

The week passed quickly for Shinji. He and Misato had fallen into a comfortable routine over those first few days. Neither spoke very often, outside of the cursory small talk, and, for the most part, both were happy with that. Shinji continued going to the trainer in the morning, and then to Sim training in the afternoon, followed by a short physical with Ritsuko and a debriefing from Misato. He didn't know what the doctor was looking for with all those physicals, but he didn't put much thought into it. When he'd asked, she told him it was just concerning the A10-100's fine tuning. The words struck him as not completely honest, but he ignored it for the most part. Misato was running him into the ground with his training schedule. There was scarcely a night in which he didn't collapse into his bed, even if his sleep was fleeting.

Shinji hadn't fully realized until then that Misato was a _very _talented field commander, something one would never guess had they seen how she lived her life, but it was true. She really did seem to know everything there was to know about tactics, in detail no less. She could name any given location of an Arms, Munitions or Power building at the drop of a hat, along with all of the stationary defense buildings and boom tube entrances and exits. And she had taken it upon herself to make sure Shinji knew them, too.

The woman was a sadist, Shinji had long since decided, as she had a tendency to quiz him mid-Sim, and punish wrong answers with a combination of difficulty increases or overtime in the plug, both of which tended to be murder on the poor boy. This was, of course, after Shinji finished with Mr. Kago in the training center, and he was already spent from nearly an hour and a half of body-numbing exercise.

But…

…_with emerald eyes, glowing, Unit-01 dived across the whole of a city block, somersaulting though the air with impossible grace, before landing upon Sachiel. A feral growl echoed in it's throat as it slammed the Angel into a nearby building, bringing tons of debris down upon a helpless little girl below…_

Shinji collapsed against one of the smooth metallic walls, breathing ragged as the memory of his fight with Sachiel, the first time, drifted through his thoughts. The image was forever burned into his mind, of a feral, wild Unit-01 and its uncontrollable rage.

Compared to that, this pain, this difficulty… it was nothing. He wouldn't let that happen again. Never again. He was weak, and his friend paid for it with his sister, who had never recovered from the injuries she'd received from his first real battle.

That thought was sobering.

**And one can only wonder just how many died this time?**

_I won't let that happen. I can stop them now. I can _change_ things, make them _better.

And the voice in his mind was silenced. But still, its words echoed through his head, filling him with fear, with doubt. Shinji looked at his hand, gripped tightly into a fist, nails digging into the soft flesh of his palm. The pain helped to drag him from his paranoia, back into the present, back into the now. It was all he had.

All he could do.

_How many people died this time? I… I can't… THINK about that. Not now._

But the thoughts hung over him, like a pendulum, swinging slowly, coming ever closer. They echoed through his mind with a frightening propensity, and he found himself helpless against those dark whispers.

That night, Shinji found sleep fleeting, even more so than normal, and regardless of his silent pleas, there was no respite for the boy. Again, he awoke well before the sun rose, in the darkest hours of the night. As before, he spent the whole of his time in the dark cowering, and the early morning downing cup after cup of coffee in a futile attempt to stay awake.

It did little to help him as he prepared his lunch for that day, nearly making two, the thought of Asuka's presence still so ingrained in his mind that he found himself mimicking the actions of his old life. But… Asuka wouldn't be joining him, joining _them_ for quite some time still, and to Shinji, it was almost a blessing. How could he face her after everything?

He closed his eyes tightly, if only for a moment, trying to dispel the ghastly images of the redhead, his mind turning against him as it flooded his thoughts with her face.

"Something wrong, Shinji?" A soft, feminine voice came from his left, and he looked over to see Misato, hair still messy from waking up and dressed in what barely amounted to "decent", staring at him from the table. He'd been so focused on making his lunch, on thinking of _her_ that he hadn't even noticed the Captain's awakening. His face fell into an unreadable mask, before becoming something akin to his usual, distant self.

"Nothing, really. Just… a bad night. Nervous about school, you know?" he said, half-convincingly. Misato looked like she would pursue it for a moment, before going back to her morning beer. Ritsuko said that nothing was wrong with the boy's head, beyond the healing hole from the skull tap. She'd said he might be having headaches from when they installed the plate, but she hadn't seen any signs of anything of that nature.

Then again, Ritsuko had also mentioned that Shinji might have been suffering from something completely psychological. Perhaps it would have been best to send the boy to a therapist, like the doctor had suggested. It was a possibility, but… Shinji barely had any time between his training and school, which the boy was starting today. Fitting something like that in might just be too much for Shinji to handle.

Misato looked over to the boy in question, her mind drifting over the whole of what she'd seen, and shook her head. There just… wasn't enough time. Never enough time, it seemed. They'd promised one another, back when he first began training, that they would do everything they could to beat the Angels. It was why she was pushing him so hard, with so much so soon. If it helped keep him alive, helped keep everyone alive, then she would do everything she could to teach him.

But now, with school… ultimately, the decision had been hers to send him to Tokyo-3 Third Municipal Junior High, if only to try and give him some sense of normalcy, some kind of childhood. It was the least she could do, considering what he was risking. She knew that neither the Commander nor Ritsuko had supported her decision, but didn't openly refuse it, either, so long as Shinji maintained his current level.

It was with these thoughts that she sent Shinji on his way. Her eyes watched him as he packed his bag and his lunch, feeling not unlike a mother sending her child out to their first day of school. The sensation was… nice, she supposed, to get lost in the feeling. To forget that sooner or later she was going to send him out, alone, to fight another Angel. But… for now, she could get lost in the sense of having a family, even if it was a lie.

Just for a little bit longer.

000

Shinji found himself subdued as he walked through the door to classroom 1-A of the Third Municipal Junior High, his one exposed eye drifting across the surprisingly empty classroom. As he looked, he could pull a few faces from the handful of dour students, like Takada-san and Mimochi-san, amongst others, though he'd never really gotten to know any of them. Others, like Kaede-san were missing. It was… odd.

He'd felt a lot of trepidation walking up to the school, lonely in the fact that he'd not yet met Toji and Kensuke, that it would still be some time before the three would be able to walk together. He didn't really know how he would react to meeting them again. The thought of facing his older compatriot, the one he'd… he'd…

…_with a guttural roar, Unit-01 dove into the remains of Unit-03, rending and tearing at the broken body of the once-possessed Evangelion, ripping free the long, white entry plug in its uncontrollable rage, before crushing it in the palm of its massive hand…_

No. He couldn't think about that. Not then. Not now. It was a second chance, the chance to make it right. He just…

The thought left him as he spotted a boy in , leaning against the wall in the back of the classroom, eyes shut and arms crossed. Kensuke was… not there, apparently. Glancing around the room, Shinji couldn't find the military-obsessed boy. It was odd. For as long as he'd known Kensuke, he'd never missed a day of class. If Toji was here, though, that meant that his sister was alright.

Right?

He took another cursory glance around, and spotted Hikari, the class rep, seated towards the front of the room, where she normally sat, if memory served. He couldn't help but notice that the girl looked… ragged, really. Her hair was in its customary cut, but the pigtails she was known for were messy, and her hair seemed a bit greasier than normal. Her clothing wasn't in the best shape either, and it all stuck out sorely. The class rep had always been pristine, Shinji remembered.

That was also somewhat disconcerting.

When he walked in, few raised their heads to meet him, and what few whispers there were died down. The dozen or so students kept to themselves, and there was an air of… despair almost. It was depressing, and worrisome. He remembered everything being so different.

_Something's wrong. _Shinji thought to himself, his face screwing into something of a frown as he found his seat. Lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed the tired voice of Hikari cutting though the mostly silent classroom.

"Stand! Bow! Sit!" She said with practiced ease, before slumping back into her seat. The sensei, of whom Shinji had never been too particularly fond, had entered when the boy wasn't looking, and with the ringing of the first bell echoing though the halls shortly prior, the class had begun.

At about that time, the teacher had introduced him, but it didn't seem like the bulk of the student body had noticed. He took a seat in the midst of a large number of empty chairs, generally separated from the other few students in the classroom. He opened his school laptop, and brought up the study plan for the year.

The lectures were the same. They always were, with Shima-sensei. Stories about how life was before Second Impact, about what it was like after Second Impact, the same stories about the mess that resulted, like the wars and the unification of the U.N. as a single, universal body, and so on. Shinji tuned it out, for the most part. It was all propaganda, all complete and utter trash.

Shinji scratched at the bandages on his face. They itched like he'd never have believed, now that the skin on his cheek was properly scarring over. He found it strange, still, only seeing the world out of his left eye, all while his right was hidden away under the mass of bandages, which would be coming off some time in the next week. For that, at least, he was thankful.

Lost in thought, he drowned out the whole of his sensei's lecture, having already heard it time and again. It was still some time before lunch, and Shinji really couldn't wait for that bell to ring. At least then he had something to look forward to, with math and his sciences slated for the afternoon hours. While not the most interesting of subjects, they were enough of a distraction from the otherwise mundane lessons the old man rambled on about.

With that in mind, Shinji simply waited out the rest of the period, unaware of a pair of brown eyes that watched him from the back of the class.

Lunch… was not the most pleasurable experience. He'd done what he could with the food in Misato's home, and had created a passable meal of curry and ramen, but the food still tasted bland. He could only frown into his bento, before shoveling more of it into his mouth.

He was a bit put out that nobody had bothered to try to talk to him during the midday meal, but, if memory served, he wasn't the most sociable looking of people the last time around. He doubted that he looked all that sociable this time around, either. The thought left him with a frown on his face. As he glanced around, he saw that most of the cafeteria was empty. Again, this did not sit well with him. He remembered there being more students this early in the war. It was as if two thirds of them had left.

He spotted Toji, sitting alone, as well as Hikari, who sat with her small group of fellow class reps. He didn't see Rei, though, which bothered him more than he would say. He was… torn. He hadn't yet met her, as he'd been in the hospital for much longer than he should have been, and his training schedule left him almost no spare time. Still, he knew she should have been here, somewhere or another, but she wasn't.

And he was partially glad he'd yet to see her. He knew what she was, who she was. What she had become, towards the end. He still saw her wickedly grinning face, her empty, stark-red eyes as she towered over him as Lillith. He remembered… remembered…

…_floating in the water, was the severed, half-head of Rei, grinning at him with her half-lips…_

The chopsticks fell from his numb fingers as the errant memory drifted through his mind, his mouth hanging open as he began to shake. His hand drifted to his face, covering it, as he started gasping, each breath more ragged than the last. He could barely stand to look at his food, the sight making his stomach turn.

"Damnit." He uttered, before leaning back in his seat. The plastic strained a bit under the added weight, letting off a soft creak as he ran his hands over his face. His body was wracked with exhaustion, and these thoughts, these… waking _nightmares_… were getting more and more frequent, and there never was anything he could do about them. They were driving him insane.

It was then that he noticed a certain dark-haired, brown-eyed boy coming towards him, in his hands a tray of some of the better flavored snacks from the school shop. Toji, Shinji knew, didn't often bring food, so his lunch usually consisted of whatever garbage they had at he shop that particular day. There wasn't much ceremony in the boy's approach, and he simply flopped down in front of Shinji, his tray clattering onto the tale before him.

"Hey there, Newcomer. The Class Rep said I should come say hi" the boy said, his tone softer than what Shinji remembered it to be. From what Shinji could see, he looked exhausted, though not in the same way that Shinji felt. There was just a general… weariness about him, and that was disturbing. Shinji offered him the best smile he could, even though he wasn't quite able to put any real feeling behind the act.

"Shinji." The boy corrected. It was odd, for him, to introduce himself again. Strange, if one could put a word to it. The boy across from him gave him a hint of a smile, and nodded.

"Shinji, then. I'm Toji. Toji Suzuhara." Toji held his hand out in a distinctly western greeting, which Shinji returned. The smaller boy had to admit, this was a much better greeting than the one last time. He'd always rather shake Toji's hand than have it lay him out on the ground. "How do you like it here, so far?" asked Toji, his tone curious, and sounding a bit more alive than before.

"It's… alright." The words were awkward for him. How could he describe a place he'd already gone to school at, right up until it was destroyed by a self-destructing Unit-00? "It's… it's very… quiet… here, I guess" he ventured. Toji looked away for a moment, and ate his food in silence. "It's kinda empty, really."

Minutes passed, and finally, Toji answered with, "yeah. It… wasn't like this before, but… after that big fight, a lot of people… well…" The boy sighed, and rolled back into his seat, his hands clenching into fists. He looked at Shinji with a sharp expression in his brown eyes. "It's that robot's fault! That robot and its stupid pilot!" he snapped out, and Shinji jerked back in his chair.

Toji saw it, and let his hands go limp.

"I'm sorry. I just… I get pissed of about what happened, you know? You probably do, don't you? What with your face all messed up like that. That stupid pilot hurt you too, right?" Shinji opened his mouth to respond, but Toji cut him off. "Look, it's alright. Don't worry about it. Sorry about the yelling. I'm not mad at you." He apologized, but the words seemed hollow to Shinji.

_What happened?_ His mind all but screamed. He… there was no way he'd hurt Toji's sister again. He'd been… a lot more careful. Or at least he tried to be. He managed to get the monster out of the city without destroying too much property, right?

"Don't… don't worry about it. I was… uh… just coming into town when everything happened." Shinji lied, awkwardly. Had it been anyone but Toji, they would have noticed, but for all of the boy's gifts, he wasn't the most perceptive of people. In his gut, Shinji felt a rock of nervousness set in. His hands began to shake, if only slightly. "T-tell me."

**I wonder what you did, Shinji. **The voice in his mind spoke up, and it sent a shiver down his spine. He let his hands drift under the table, if only to hide their panicked shaking from the other boy. He took a deep, albeit silent, breath.

"It's… I don't know. I just…" The boy's voice was unsure, and Shinji almost lunged at him from across the table.

"Please… tell me." Toji missed the odd note of desperation in Shinji's voice, but the boy's pleading request caught his ear. He looked at the smaller boy with a hard gaze.

"I was… I was there, out in the city, when that big robot fought that monster. My little sister ran off into the city because she wanted to see the big battle, so she snuck away from me when we were on our way to the shelter. Mari ran off, you see, and I went to go get her, and we almost died because of it. One of the buildings near us got knocked down when that monster threw the giant robot, and some of the debris almost hit us. Mari came really close to getting crushed. It was dumb luck that she didn't." Toji began, his voice a bit lighter. Shinji let out a sigh he didn't even know he'd been holding. He'd saved Toji's sister. He did it.

"There was a shelter under that big hill the two were fighting on." Those words stopped Shinji cold. He felt that rock fall right back into his gut.

"No…" He whispered, and Toji nodded.

"Yeah. When they were fighting, one of the main support struts broke. Nobody noticed it right away, not until the ceiling started to crack, Hikari told me. They started the evacuation of the shelter when there was that big explosion. They were too late. The whole lot of the thing collapsed right down on top of everyone." Shinji was white, his eye blank, as he took in the whole of what Toji had said. Toji was sniffling. He wiped away a stray tear. "Damnit! He killed Kensuke!"

Shinji… Shinji felt sick.

"I… I need to use… the bathroom. I'll… be right back." His tone was subdued. Toji nodded, and the boy rose up out of his seat. He barely managed to stagger into the small bathroom off of the cafeteria when he felt the whole of his lunch come up and splatter all over the floor.

He felt his chest tighten. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't… couldn't…

**You killed them.**

_No… no… I…_

**You tried to change things, remember?**

_I… I didn't mean to…_

**You let them all die.**

_I didn't… I couldn't… why…_

**Because, you're weak. You let them die. You let Kensuke die… You let them all die!**

_But…_

**YOU KILLED THEM!**

_No!_

**You failed them. You let them all die.**

_I… never meant… I couldn't… it's not my fault!_

**It IS. You let them die, you let them ALL die.**

_I…_

**Listen to their cries, Shinji. You killed them.**

_No…_

**You killed them.**

_No…_

**All of them.**

"No…" The boy groaned out, tears dripping from his one exposed eye. He lay curled up on the floor, the puddle of his vomit soaking into his shirt as he simply lay there, shuddering. He couldn't breathe… he couldn't… it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault.

The words echoed through his head like a mantra, even as he lay there, paralyzed. It wasn't until some time later that he'd been discovered. The poor boy who'd found him, curled up on the floor of that bathroom, had gone screaming to the nurse, who'd had Shinji taken to her office by two of the stronger students wandering around. It was then that she called Misato Katsuragi, who quickly collected the boy.

As they drove back to NERV, back to the hospital, she couldn't help but stare at the boy. His only exposed eye was blank, his hands clenching and unclenching, while he shuddered. He stank of vomit, but the woman didn't make a comment about it. She was… worried. Scared, was a better word, but worried sounded more familiar to her.

_His first day of school, and this happens. _Was all the woman could think, while a part of her, deep down, told her that it was her fault he was like this. She didn't know what it was, and she was almost afraid to find out.

"How many." Lost in her own self-pitying thoughts, Misato had almost missed the quiet words, with their near-dead inflection, as they escaped the boy. For a moment, Misato was stunned that he'd said anything, considering the condition she'd picked him up in.

"I… huh? What do you mean, Shinji?" She prodded, gently. Her tone was full of concern, but it seemed to have been lost on the boy.

"How many?" Again, like a demented parrot, he spoke the two words. Misato gulped, before slowing the car to a crawl.

"How many what, Shinji?" she asked again, clarifying this time. The boy's head turned to the woman, slowly, as if it were on a hinge. The emptiness in that single eye bore into both of hers, and she shuddered at the blank gaze.

"How many people did I kill?" The words hit the older woman like a wrecking ball. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Exactly what he was referring to. She suspected it was what was keeping him up at night, but… something was different, this time. Something was wrong.

"I… I don't know…" she stuttered out, but was cut off as the small boy shot across the seat divider, his hands wrapping around the lapels of her jacket with a terrifying strength. The crazed look in Shinji's eye scared her more than she would ever admit. She slammed onto the brakes and the car screeched to a halt.

"Tell me!" He screamed at her, and she grabbed his arms at the wrist, breaking his grip on her, before pinning him to the other side of the car, his face pressed against the window while she applied a joint lock to him. "Tell ME!" he screamed from his position, and the woman simply held him there. "TELL ME!" The screams were louder, and he started fighting harder. Misato simply held him there, paralyzed as he continued to scream at her.

The two fought there, the older woman holding him in a simple pin while he screamed at her, trying to break the hold she had on him. "TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!" He kept screaming, kept chanting, spittle splattering across the window. Misato simply didn't say anything.

Slowly, though, very slowly, the boy started to lose his energy. Screams were replaced with sobs, and the frantic struggles began to fade away, until he couldn't move any more. Misato let him up, slowly, the pin she'd held loosening enough to let him slump back down into the passenger seat of his car.

He just sat there, sobbing hard, body shaking and jerking with every tear-filled scream he made. Beside him, Misato wrapped an arm around the boy, pulling him close. She wasn't the least bit surprised when he fell into her arms and soaked her shirt with his tears, his apologies, his inarticulate moans, all mixed into a mess that she couldn't understand. She just sat there, stroking his hair, listening to him cry, and holding him close.

Her mind was a mess, even though her face didn't betray it. So many thoughts ran through her head, all of which centered around the boy now in her arms, crying like a small child. Her guilt was palpable. She could feel it wafting through her with every cry of the boy. And she would make him do it all again, if another Angel showed up. She would push him into that plug a thousand times if she had to.

And he would go, too. Every single time, until there was nothing left.

"I need to know, Misato." The words were muffled by her shirt, but she heard them clearly.

"Why?" Her voice was quiet, but she said the one word with all of the care she could muster.

"I just… need to. Please, Misato." He said, his voice so pleading and pathetic that she all but wilted under the desperate tone of his voice. She sighed, and fell silent as she thought about it. "Please…" he all but begged, and she clutched him to her, her face marred with a dark frown.

"Alright" was all she said. She felt Shinji nod, and drift back to his side of the car, his eyes still watering, but his face empty. He looked better, by far, but… it worried her. It worried her a lot, to see him like that. He just… broke down. He had a breakdown, and it was bad. He was fourteen, and he'd had a breakdown. He'd snapped and broken down, just like that.

Misato decided to drive the boy home, instead of NERV. He needed rest. He needed to recover from his episode, from it all. She would talk to Ritsuko tonight, over the phone, and find out what she could. Maybe it would help him to get to know Rei a bit, as well. It might help him to know that he wasn't the only one dealing with the whole of being a pilot.

_Yeah. That's a good idea. _Misato thought to herself, before deciding to see what she could to do get the two to spend some time together. She'd known that Shinji had yet to meet the girl, and that Rei had come to visit him on her own, once, when he was still in recovery. Maybe it would help him. She could only hope, as she drove the two to her apartment.

When they finally arrived home, it was still early afternoon. The incident at the school had shaken the older woman fiercely. She knew a breakdown when she saw one, and while she didn't know exactly what had set it off, she had an idea as to the circumstances. Her memory flitted to the incident in the car, and to his words.

"_How many people did I kill?"_ he had whispered. She knew that the count was high. There were a lot of soldiers that had died during the attack, but that was before Shinji entered Unit-01. All of the nearby military forces had pulled back when Unit-01 began it's attack, so beyond that… _Oh no…_

The Shelter. He was asking about the shelter. Someone had told him about the shelter, and that had set him off. She had read the reports, as far as that incident went. It wasn't Shinji's fault. The accident was just a casualty of war. But… she knew he was blaming himself. He was such a fragile boy, so innocent, so shy and self-contained. He was… he was guilty.

She hadn't mentioned it to him for just that reason, because she knew he wouldn't take it well, but… it never even occurred to her to think that he'd hear about it at school. She could almost kick herself for that. Of course he would have heard about it at school. Tokyo-3 Third Municipal Junior High was the school closest to the shelter, which was located just outside of the Third District city proper. That district had lost almost a third of its civilian population when the shelter collapsed.

She looked to the doorway that lead to the hall. After they'd gotten home, she'd ushered Shinji into the shower. He had stunk something awful, thanks to his little 'dip' earlier, and the episode with her in the car had done nothing to help with the problem. It was why she took the time to change after she'd gotten him into the shower. Her clothes weren't much better at that point. She did hope, however, that he would recover a bit after getting cleaned up.

After all that, she would probably need to say something to the school, if Shinji ever chose to go back. Misato sighed at the thought. His first day of school, after over half a decade of tutors and private education, and it had gone totally south on him.

_Damnit. I just wanted to give him a normal life, do something nice for him, and it all went to shit _she thought, grimly. No good deed goes unpunished. As her thoughts turned inwardly dark, Shinji found himself staring at the walls of the shower.

The water was hot as it cascaded down his skin, even as he sat on the floor, crumpled into a tiny ball. The water burned, the heat turned all the way up, with the cold off completely. It seared his skin, the sensation of that liquid fire over him, but the pain, the sensation, it was lost on the boy. Eye wide, he simply sat there in his little ball, his lips uttering a soundless chant.

The water fell around him like rain, the plain walls of the bathroom mocking him with their normality, their… blankness. Covered in steam and droplets of water, all he could see was a shadow of himself, reflected from him by the merciless white of the bathroom lights.

**Did you really think you could be the hero of this little play? **A dark voice asked, a mocking lilt in it's frigid tone. The boy only shuddered, unable to answer.

**Did you honestly think you could change things? That you could save them? **It chuckled at him, and a feeling of despair gripped Shinji's heart. He managed to let out a pained sob as his chest tightened.

_I didn't… I wanted… I tried to… _Shinji replied silently, the words as empty as he was, as weak as he was. He wrapped his arms around his legs tighter, his knuckles going white.

**Kill them? Help them? Save them? **The voice laughed at him, it's tone devoid of mercy, devoid of anything, except accusation. Another pained sob was the reply, the heat of the water dulling him to everything outside.

_It's not my fault! _Shinji screamed to the voice. It only giggled in response.

**But it is. You let them die, Shinji. You let Kensuke die. You killed them.** The whispered words gripped the boy's very soul with their cruelty.

_I didn't mean to-_ The boy tried to force out, but found himself cut off.

**YOU DID! **The thunderous roar of those two words stuck the boy harder than the most vicious of punches. He all but fell out of the shower, his hands ripping the curtain down from where it hung as he fell out, vainly trying to escape the echoing utterance.

As he lay there, he felt… pain… such indescribable _pain_… It gripped him, wrapped around him, centering over the moist bandages that covered the injuries on his face. His hands, pruned and dripping, scrambled to rip away the gauze. It itched, it _burned_, like nothing he'd ever imagined.

**YOU DID! YOU KILLED THEM!** Accusation. Betrayal. Hatred. All three echoed through the confines of his body, his soul, wracking him with searing, frigid, blinding pain. His arms were warping, his mouth trapped in a silent, unending scream. His face felt as though it was melting off, his hands rending and tearing, desperately trying to pull away the bandages as they charred him so.

_It's not my FAULT!_ The words echoed back through his mind, slashing at the dark influence that was his Guilt. Hatred lashed back, ripping at him, as did betrayal, filling him with agony as his mind was flooded by the nightmares of his failings.

He barely managed to stagger up, his hand clutching the now exposed scarring on his face, his clawed fingers lancing around his wounded eye. He slammed his back into the wall across from Misato's vanity, his breath ragged as he lashed out at the ghastly phantoms.

**You were WEAK!** The voice spat, disgustedly. Pain lanced through the boy's body as he slouched forward, his hands tightly gripping the edges of the sink.

**You were PATHETIC! **The words sent Shinji staggering, his mouth grit in incomprehensible torment, his knuckles white from their hold on the vanity. He felt his knees give way, and the whole of his body pitch forward. He heard a sharp crunch as a spike of agony rocketed through his forehead.

**You can't change the future! You can't even change YOURSELF!** The boy's eyes locked onto his own image in the mirror, divided down the middle by a break in the glass, a splotch of red lining the break separating the two images, splitting his face cleanly down the middle.

His reflection… half of it… the scarred half, stared back at him, a cruel, vicious smile glaring back at him. The massive burn that lined the whole of his face, encompassing half everything between his right ear and the outermost edge of his lip, going so high as to partially engulf the bottom lid of his right eye, had twisted into something hideous, deformed, the skin rippling unnaturally as it mocked him. His right eye glowed with utter delight as it stared back at him, the whole of the iris left bleached white, leaving nothing but the pupil behind, constricted as it focused upon him.

The left… it watched on in horror, fear wholly manifest in it's shocked visage. His face… it was broken… like a clown's mask, but… twisted… evil…

"No…" Shinji whispered, shuddering, shaking, his body moving uncontrollably as he took in the whole of his face. Half of his world had gone colorless. His right eye saw nothing but shades of heatless grey and frigid black, like the color or dead skin and rotted fruit meshed together. His right saw all of the lost color, blinding him in it's extremes.

"No…" Louder this time, Shinji found himself unable to look away, even as his nightmarish reflection began to laugh at him. The shaking grew worse, his mind unable to comprehend the sight.

"No!" Again, this time with force.

"NO!" His voice echoed through the room. The shout had been deafening, making him blind to all other noises. In the hall, he vaguely recalled the thought of footsteps in the hallway, of the doors slamming open. He paid them no heed.

"No… no… no… No… NO… NO… NONONO!" He screeched, clutching his face and swaying, even as the bathroom door was ripped open, a panicked Misato at the entryway. She moved for him, but it was far too late.

Shinji pulled his fist back, and slammed the whole of it into, and then through the reflective pane, shattering it and covering the floor in shards of glass. It was then, and only then, that he let off a most terrible scream, even as he collapsed, Misato catching him in her arms, heedless of his nudity.

Blood streamed down his hand, but it was forgotten as his fingers clawed around his face, all the while his shrill voice screaming the word "No!" over and over, her voice desperate and pleading in a way that rent the older woman's heart.

And in the back of his mind, all Shinji could hear was the cruel, raucous laughter of that wicked voice as it mocked him forever more.

_~End Chapter Two~_

Author's Note: Hey there, how is everyone? Good I hope. I gotta apologise, as I seem to be a touch late. So much for punctuality, right? Heh. But seriously, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as the last few, and I am sorry that I didn't include the angel-killing, but if I did, then it would be another week before you saw this thing. I really did have that much trouble trying to work it in, so I guess that's what you'll get next chapter. Again, all credit to my editor and dedicated love interest, Kath, for fixing this up, God bless her rediculous english skills. Without her, this would be a lot worse, trust me.

All things considered, I thik it came out rather well. As far as killing Kensuke... well... I don't have anything against him, up front, but it was more convenient to off him now. So I did. *shrugs* I did have a lot of fun with the more psychological aspect of things, given that I'm a psych major. It's always a blast messing with the heads of my characters. From what I'd seen from the End of Evangelion, Shinji was already pretty far gone by the time it all ended. He was downright insane, really, and there's no reason he wouldn't be if he got a second chance. Considering how fragile he is, it wouldn't take much to push him off the deep end permanently. Besides, I've always felt that in order for you to change a character's personality, you need to break them first, at least so that you can have fun duct-taping them back together again at a later date.

As for Rei, I have been kinda putting that off. She's a hard character to write for, but that's never stopped me before. I think you won't be disappointed once we get there, or at least that's my own vain hope.

Anyway, enough of that. While I was working on this, I was also reading a fic by Dante Abbey named Ascension of the Lamb, which, while unfinished, is still an amazing piece of fiction. Google it if you have to, but I would suggest you check it out. Beyond that, I'm out!

_~Ja Ne_

Music of Inspiration:

Stripped --Rammstein

Farewell --Apocalyptica

Shut Up and Explode/Dive for You/Back on my Feet --Boom Boom Satellites

Lust/Sweet Allure --Balligomingo

No Roads left --Linkin Park


	4. Chapter 4

Rei stared through the observation window, her face blank as her eyes watched the silent boy lying in the hospital bed, strapped down, as he blankly stared at the ceiling above him. Around him the whispering hums and beeps of the machines carried on, creating a deafening cacophony in the small room where he lay.

The boy, Shinji Ikari, the Third Child, was seemingly catatonic. He barely blinked, his gaze lost in the sea of dots that was the tiling above him. The rest of his body lay totally limp against the Velcro ties that held him to the bed, Had it not been for the steady rising and falling of his chest, she would have almost thought him dead. It was strange, for her at least, to see him like that. The last time she'd met the boy he was also in a hospital bed recovering from his injuries.

He had scared her then too.

It wasn't… she didn't know what to think. The idea of her fearing someone was simply beyond her logic, her ability to comprehend. It was disconcerting. Something about him made her feel… off. Like she wasn't right, wasn't supposed to be around him. It left her feeling a vague sense of something inside, something weird.

She had spent five minutes visiting him last time. While he was unconscious she had come to see him. She was to work with him, assist him, as she knew she would be ordered to. Because of that, she came to see him, to meet him. She had resolved to visit him in the hospital that first day. She knew he was still unconscious, but she had wanted to gauge him, much like she gauged the other significant people in her life. She wanted to define him, if only for her better understanding.

Even as she had walked into the room, she could sense the oppressive weight of… something. It was as if a massive dark cloud had been hanging over him, pressing down on him and by extension, her. She had watched his face as it twisted, as it grimaced and silently cried out, and it shook her. There was an almost choking amount of hatred and pain coming from Shinji combined with a crushing sense of depression. It had overwhelmed her and left her shaking.

Such a thing… she had never felt something so horrible from anyone, nothing so refined, so pure. It refused definition, refused explanation, so unknown was it. It terrified her in a way that she'd never known, not even when she had died that first time, or the second. It had lanced through her with such blaring intensity that she had nearly become physically ill.

She had run from his room that day.

From then on, she had done all she could to avoid him, going so far as to ascertain his schedule, if only to know where to miss him and when. She had wanted nothing to do with him, not of her own volition, and on some deep subconscious level, he still shook her. The very thought of being around him had made her shiver ever so slightly.

Yet… she had come to him this night, come to him and watched him. It was strange. She had no desire to see him, no desire to be around him, but that very same fear drove her to seek him out. Pulled to him like a moth to a flame, she had come when she'd heard of what had happened the night before. She had heard how he had attacked Captain Katsuragi, how he had put his hand through her vanity, how he had come in screaming like a newborn. How he had attacked one of the attending doctors when they tried to rebind his face and bandage his arm.

And she had heard that once they had abandoned the task that he'd fallen into this catatonic state. The Captain had been flitting back and forth, coming and going from the room, spending time to talk to the boy, and even trying to encourage the albino into talking with Shinji as well. She had yet to succeed, but the effort wasn't lost on the girl. Still, Rei hadn't even taken the thought into consideration. She wouldn't, couldn't be in the same room as he was, not alone, not with the Captain, and she had _very_ briefly even considered telling the Commander no if he had told her to enter.

Shinji Ikari was a mystery, an enigma, something that defied her conventional logic and left her with nothing but fear and uncertainty. This was why she avoided him. She saw him as the creature in the dark, the thing that made man fear the shadows, the unknown and unknowable.

Almost unconsciously her hand drifted up to the glass, her palm resting against it, hiding his face, leaving him hidden, lost to her even as she shut her eyes and slowly shook her head. When she looked back, she found her hand moving away from his face. That was when it happened. The boy's head began to turn, slowly, as if on a rusty hinge, towards her. Like the setting sun, she watched his whole eye drift to the pillow, while his ravaged eye rose from the bridge of his nose like a great, white moon, the single pupil focusing in on her.

He stared back at her.

Rei froze. For minutes, the two stared at one another. She felt vaguely disgusted at the wicked, horrible scarring on his face, even as his lips slowly began to form two soundless words, consisting of a total of three syllables.

_Hello Rei._

He smiled at her with broken lips, his eyes shimmering with what she could only describe as exhaustion tainted by a touch of insanity. His eyes followed her as she backed away from the glass. She felt none of the flat hatred, none of the rage that had gripped him, not as it had when she'd visited him weeks before. She didn't feel anything from him, except for a deep sense of sadness, a sense of guilt so overwhelming that it swallowed him whole.

_I am sorry. I do not know how to respond._ The words echoed through her head with no small sense of emptiness, her eyes glancing away for but a moment. When they returned to the boy, she found that he'd turned away from her, his eyes drifting back to gaze at the ceiling. Free of his lost eyes, she found herself bereft. She didn't know how to respond to his tormented gaze, his silent, echoing words, his strangely tired demeanor.

So she simply stood there, her eyes lost as she watched him.

The girl was gone by the time Misato returned to visit Shinji later that afternoon, just as the sun had begun to set. She had come to check on him, though she hadn't expected much considering… well… everything.

"Hey Shinji." She said, quietly, her tone barely audible over the beeping machines around the restrained child. He made no move to acknowledge her. She wasn't surprised, considering his mostly catatonic state. She'd heard about the incident that had occurred when they'd brought him in, about how he'd had to be restrained after attacking some of the medical staff when they tried to bandage him, and about how they'd pumped him full of sedatives as soon as they could afterwards. It disturbed her to think of the quiet boy in such a context.

"I… uhm…" The woman seemed to be at a loss for words, unsure of herself for not the first time. She couldn't meet his empty gaze, her face shying away from the blank stare and focusing on one of the many machines lining the room. "Ritsuko doesn't think this is mental contamination. That's good, right?"

It was an empty statement, said more out of the need to break the silence of the room than anything. The woman winced at the phrasing, though. It sounded distinctly wrong to her ears. There was a pause, Misato at a loss and Shinji catatonic.

The quiet was deafening to the Captain's ears. She shifted uncomfortably, before seating herself in a nearby chair. It was neither comfortable nor particularly well-made, but it did its job.

As Misato sat there watching the boy, she couldn't help but think of her meeting with the Commanders and Ritsuko. It had been an ugly meeting. Definitely not one of her best, as Ritsuko had all but chewed her out rather vocally, while Commander Fuyutsuki had done so in his own subtle way. Gendo didn't seem particularly interested in the matter, though he had drilled both women on just what had happened and how to fix it.

Ultimately, and after much testing and prodding, it had been decided that there wasn't any kind of mental contamination. The doctor hadn't liked having to admit that the very concept of mental contamination was still largely unknown to them. While there had been some kind of precedent set by the late Dr. Sohryu, the woman had gone insane from the incident, while Shinji's issues seemed to have stemmed from some kind of stress-induced condition, which had resulted in a total breakdown.

Gendo, the cold bastard that he was, didn't bother to ask about the child's condition, and showed no concern for him aside from his viability as a pilot. Fuyutsuki seemed concerned about his well-being, at least to a point. Misato had to admit that the older man faked concern fairly well; she knew that he was no more concerned over Shinji than Gendo was.

_It really is sad. It's like he doesn't have anyone who cares about him._ Misato thought darkly. She had been trying her best to offer him what little she could, though she knew her best wasn't nearly good enough. It all came down to the fact that he was just a boy, one who was introverted and shy and had been suddenly thrust into a position where the fate of the world rested on his shoulders. She was amazed that he'd made it as long as he had before snapping.

The woman shut her eyes, trying to push away the distinct sensation of tired burning. She hadn't gotten any sleep since the day before, having stayed up all night worrying about Shinji's condition. It was catching up with her, even after several cups of coffee. She would only close her eyes for a minute. Just a couple of minutes, and then she would go back to watching the boy.

"Misato." Shinji's voice cut through the tired haze like a hot knife through butter. Misato's head shot up, her eyes blurry from sleep as she stumbled out of her light slumber. A quick glance at the watch on her arm told her that it had been several hours since she'd passed out, and the distinct stiffness throughout her body from sleeping in that damn chair confirmed it.

Once fully awake, the Captain managed to focus in on the boy lying in the medical bed. He hadn't moved at all, his eyes still boring into the ceiling above. It had been his voice, though. He had awakened her.

"Yes?" Her tone was quiet, and didn't reflect the turmoil that she felt inside. For that she was thankful. Her exhaustion, combined with that sense of self-loathing had been haunting her for the better part of the night was taking its toll. She felt sick on the inside, angry at the state of things, at what they'd been forced to do, what they'd forced _him_ to do.

"How many?" Misato stared at Shinji silently. She didn't want to think about this, about any of it at all. She didn't want to think about those cold, empty numbers that had all but eaten the boy alive the night prior and resulted in his breakdown. It hadn't taken much to look up the information. It took even less for her mind to justify the hundreds of losses, to place it all into a cold, logical little box in the back of her head.

"Why?" Shinji's head turned towards the woman slowly, his blank stare finally meeting hers. In his eyes she could see so much pain, so much guilt and rage and hatred that it made her breath catch in her throat. She involuntarily swallowed, her heart drowning in the absolute despair his small frame radiated, and some part of her began to feel ill, a part that whispered to her about her own failings, about how she had sent that boy out. She had broken him. He didn't need to answer her.

She didn't have the right to question him.

"There were roughly seven hundred casualties." She said, after a moment's pause. The boy's head turned slowly, his eyes once more focusing on the ceiling above. Misato found herself feeling less overwhelmed when the boy's eyes were looking away from her, and what little relief she felt was quickly turned bitter.

"How many from the shelter?" The words were empty, Shinji's voice dead. The Captain bowed her head in some semblance of shame. She wanted to cry out, to demand why the boy was so bent on knowing these things. She wanted to comfort him, to tell him that it wasn't his fault. She wanted to rage at Gendo and at herself for making Shinji pilot. She wanted… she wanted… so much. But she was too weak. She couldn't do any of these things. She could only answer him, and her voice could barely keep from quaking as she did so.

"Over eighty percent were from the shelter. Shinji… I…" Misato tried to begin, but found herself cut off by a bitter laugh. She shuddered at the madness-tinged tone of his voice, its grating nature seeming so much more sinister for it. It was much too sinister for such a young boy.

"One little girl." He said, his tone mixed with a kind of cynicism that left Misato wincing. He gave another laugh, and then another. It wasn't long before the boy was letting out a wild string of dry cackles, his bound form shuddering in its restraints as he bellowed out loud.

"O-one little… girl?" Misato ventured, wincing at the shrill whine of his prepubescent voice.

"Why, yes, Misato. One little girl. I saved a little girl. I saved her, you see, yes I did!" The boy gasped out, his words broken by his insane laughing. His face was twisted into a warped smile, his scars twisting themselves into a most hideous amalgamation. He kept laughing, as if it were the most amusing thing, his chuckles drifting into soundless gasps.

Misato found herself growing nervous. She had never seen insanity so close, never seen madness at its cusp. For a moment, she was glad that the restraints held him so tightly, and even with them, for the barest moment, she worried that the already strained bindings would snap.

"I saved one little girl, and all it cost me was… what was it? Seven hundred innocents?" Shinji let out an unhinged chuckle, his eyes wide with glazed madness. His wicked, heartless tone echoed throughout the room, epitomizing the insatiable insanity that had taken hold of the boy. Misato shuffled away, suddenly glad that he was restrained, and at the same time guilty for feeling that way. She found herself torn, violently so, between her desire to leave the room, to get _away_ from the boy, to escape him and ignore him, and to hug him, to comfort him, to beg his forgiveness.

He didn't blame her. He'd never blamed her, even though she knew she deserved it. He never said a word, not to her about it. He bottled it all up and he let it eat away at him, let it devour him until nothing was left. He took the whole of it all and it was rotting him from the inside out. It was just his way of doing things, she had known, but…

"It's not your fault." Those last few words spilled out of her mouth, a whisper lost in the cacophony of the boy's sobbing laughter. But he stopped. The laughing cut off, as if it were on a switch. So sudden was it, that it caused the older woman to jump slightly in surprise.

"I killed them." He said, simply, his tone tired, his words empty. His eyes were focused on her, and devoid of the insanity that had held them before. The change was so sudden, so unexpected, that Misato found herself at a loss for words. Moments passed, before she spoke again, this time she had chosen what to say carefully.

"The Angel killed them. You were trying to _save_ them, Shinji. It's not your fault." In her tone was a kind of conviction that the boy had seldom heard. He could feel the hatred she had put into the word Angel, and the selfish guilt that had echoed through the others.

"Then I _failed_ to save them, didn't I?" His words were heated, his eyes had glazed over once more, and the statement had been delivered with a sneer.

Misato began to open her mouth, but she found herself at a loss for words. She could try to argue that he had saved humanity, but it she knew it would be nothing but hollow words to his ears. She could say that he had killed the Angel, that he'd avenged those lost, but it would be little more than a consolation, not justifying those who'd died. In truth, there really was nothing left to say. She sighed, her exhaustion seeping into her inflection as she contemplated what next to say. He was so lost, so helpless… and she could barely grasp at how to help him.

"Why?" Shinji's head turned to her, the word having escaped the woman's lips in a whisper. The boy stared at her, his gaze blank, mixing with both his sanity and his madness, leaving her a view of such unadulterated grief that Misato could barely keep herself from blanching in shock.

"I'm not a good person, Misato. I've done such horrible things… all I can do is hurt people." The words were coarse, his voice ragged, mocking and vicious. His empty gaze bore into her, his blank eyes mirroring the frigidness that had gripped her soul. It felt like he was sucking her in, calling to her with an ethereal need, and that scared her.

Misato fled the room, a cold sweat on her brow.

Shinji watched as she left, watched as she vanished, into the hazy dark that had permeated his sight, through the grainy blacks and whites revealed to him through his shattered and broken gaze.

**She's afraid of you.** A voice whispered to him, and he grinned at it, in his mind, and on his lips.

_She should be._ The words were unhinged, the thoughts filtered through the haze of red and black that had infected his mind. His gaze drifted up, to look at the white, ghostly figure above him.

Red eyes bore into his, with short, blue hair framing its face, the mouth a thin line as it looked at him. Its hands rested inside of him, inside his chest, his biceps fused perfectly with its wrists, its pale flesh drifting into his seamlessly. He knew that they met again, in a gross visage of a lover's embrace at the waist, his fused with its, the female form of the creature matching his. Naked, it was hanging over him.

**Do you want them to fear you, Shinji?** It spoke without speaking, the rasping words echoing though his mind.

An image of Asuka's pomp, pristine form permeated his mind, the feeling of his hands gripping her throat, choking her slowly, the table and chairs upturned and the stench of coffee covering him as the brown fluid burned his skin.

It made him laugh. It made him weep.

The voice fell silent, and the boy was alone. The ghastly apparition that hung over him had gone away. Above him he saw nothing but ceiling, the image grainy, its color gone, like everything else he'd seen. In the background, he could hear the beeping of the machines around him, driving away the silence that filled the room.

_You're running away again, Shinji._

The boy's face slowly fell to the left, his unscarred eye focusing on a flowing figure that stood off to his left. Dressed in the most gossamer of silks, the blue-haired Lillith stood beside him. She smiled at him, ruefully, her pale lips lilting upwards while her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. She let her soft touch drift to Shinji's silken skin, that which was unmarred by the angry red scarring, as he stared at her, at the apparition.

**You're a miserable coward. Run away, Shinji! Run!**

He slowly turned his face to the right, the marred, warped skin that covered his face stretching uncomfortably as he looked at the other figure, one dressed in nothing but the black on white of his school uniform and glaring at him with angry, arrogant eyes. Hands in his pockets, the Lillian figure stood with a sneer that coiled around his face, his jagged, grey hair draping around his head like a hood.

_Kaworu…_

The word echoed through Shinji's mind as the phantom stood before him, the image of the ghostly girl blowing away at the insistence of the other. The shock of recognition left the Third Child shaking, shuddering, lost in a trance that was half hopeful and half terrified. Kaworu simply let out a soft, snide chuckle.

**Remember me, Shinji?** It asked, it's voice whispered from unmoving lips. The sounds in the background ceased, the only noise in the oppressive nothingness coming from Shinji's breathing.

_Yes…_

"Yes."

Both words were spoken, but only one could be heard. Shinji tried grasping for the Fifth Child, his fingers clenching and unclenching, arms bound to the bed, totally helpless and unable to act. The sight made the other laugh, a sound almost as empty and listless as the Angel's tone.

**Did you miss me, Shinji?** The wickedness in those words were lost on the boy as his chest filled with warmth, all while his stomach twisted and churned with an inexplicable fear.

"Yes."

Kaworu chuckled at the response, and slid forward across the tiled floor. His hands slipped out of his pockets and ran across the scarred face of the Third in an almost intimate fashion, before slowly moving down his chest, the tips passing through the cloth gown that covered him, pressing against his pale skin. It left a warm feeling, a tingling almost.

Shinji couldn't help but shudder, if only for a moment, at the almost erotic ecstasy that passed through him. The sheer sensation of it all was quickly overwhelming him, and it was then that Kaworu smiled.

His eyes barely open, he managed to catch one last glimpse of the phantom's face, to see the blood leaking from its nose, its ears, its lips, as one of its eyes dangled loosely from the socket. In that moment, his deepest subconscious remembered that sight, from when… from when he'd…

**I missed you too, Shinji.**

And then all the boy knew was darkness.

000

Hikari Horaki was, for lack of better term, totally and utterly annoyed. Three days ago, she'd been witness to an event that had left her more than a bit disturbed. It was then that the new student, Shinji Ikari, had been carted out of the school via ambulance and taken to a location which she'd not been able to ascertain. After speaking with both Toji and Kai, the former having been the last person Shinji interacted with and the latter being the one who had found Shinji and gotten the school nurse, she'd managed to get much of the story.

Toji had mentioned Shinji going off to the bathroom after they'd talked about the… incident… during the last evacuation. How the boy had been acting was suspect, and while she wasn't one to jump to conclusions, she had figured that there was more to that than what had been told. Something Toji had said set the whole episode off, but what she didn't know. Toji had been tight-lipped about the affair, and no amount of prodding seemed to get him to open up.

Kai was no help either. He'd only gone to get the nurse and didn't stick around to find out more, but he did hear Shinji crying and gasping, both signs of some kind of breakdown, and somehow linked to whatever Toji had said.

Officially, she was told he'd had a bad reaction to some of the painkillers they'd put him on for his rather bad facial burns and then told to leave it at that. The news had been delivered from Ayanami herself, which was also suspect, even more so than the obvious cover story, but the albino had been otherwise absent herself since that day.

The whole thing stunk, in her opinion, but there was nothing she could do about it. Had Kensuke… had he not been… She shook her head. She couldn't think about it. She wouldn't think about it.

The pencil in her hand snapped sharply, eliciting gasp of pain from the pigtailed girl. The class turned to her, and she looked down. Blood dripped from between her fingers where the pencil's splinters had pierced her skin. It wasn't all that painful but the teacher sent her to the clinic nonetheless.

As Hikari left the room, Toji, who'd been watching her, went back to staring out the window. His thoughts had also rested on the boy who'd been taken away not days before. He'd gone over the conversation with Shinji in his mind several times, each time finding himself coming to all kinds of conclusions as to why the boy had reacted as he had, especially when it came to what they were talking about. A large part of him screamed that it was just survivor's guilt, that he'd probably been in the shelter as well and had lost someone, like he had. But the boy had acted like he hadn't known about the shelter collapse, and that alone kept shooting down his first theory.

He'd felt the almost palpable guilt from the new student when he'd delivered the news, but he didn't know why, and that was the big question. If he wasn't in the shelter, what else could it have been? Toji just couldn't puzzle it out.

Hikari had spoken to him, several times in fact, but not until after she'd talked to that creepy Ayanami girl. She'd mentioned that Rei was the one who'd told her that Shinji just had a bad reaction to some medication or another, but Toji didn't buy that for a second. But, still… he was just a bit afraid of what might come if he brought his bit of information to the table. He knew he wasn't the brightest student, not by a long shot, and maybe Hikari could figure things out for him, be he just didn't know if he should. The best thing to do would be to confront Shinji directly about it the next time he saw the boy. That is, of course, assuming he showed up again.

Toji frowned at that thought. He didn't know if that boy, Shinji, would be coming back to the school after such an incident. His parents might decide to pull him out and send him from Tokyo 3 like so many others had. He wouldn't blame them. If his father didn't have an administrative position with NERV and had his sister not been too sick to be moved, he had no doubt that the three of them would've been long gone.

In all honesty, he didn't like Tokyo 3 in the least. Not after everything, not really. Kensuke had been ecstatic when he'd found out about the shelters and about the existence of "public NERV" as he'd called it. They'd all been briefed on evacuation and how to get to the shelters, along with a mess of other things that were awfully suspect, in hindsight. The boy had eaten it up, filled Toji's mind with all sorts of speculation, all kinds of wild conspiracy theories and fantasies that, at the time, had driven the older boy to tears. Now, though, a lot of what Kensuke had been on about seemed to make a lot more sense.

Had his friend been there, he knew that the boy would go from apples to zebras in a second's time, pondering all of the hysterics and contradictions concerning the truth behind the new student. Oddly, it was that same thought that had caused Toji to go more towards the possibility of a cover up. The whole explanation behind the Shinji incident stank of a "sanctioned" story cooked up by someone more in the "know" than he was.

And then there was that creepy Ayanami girl. She had been the one to deliver the news to Hikari, the official story coming from her lips. That didn't make a whit of sense, not to him and certainly not to Hikari. As far as they knew, Shinji had never even looked at Rei, much less spoken to her, and yet there she was, delivering what was a supposedly personal piece of information the Class Rep. There was the chance that they knew each other outside of the school, but he'd mentioned something about being new in town, which seemingly invalidated that idea.

He could just go up to ask her, but it was _Ayanami_. The very idea seemed ridiculous. Her "Ice Queen" persona was something of legend amongst the varying social groups, and her refusal to interact with anyone said a lot as far as her social life was concerned. There was the chance that they were related, but their last names were different, and there was nothing in the official school records that said anything about either of them being even remotely related. She was listed as an orphan, according to Kensuke, and he didn't doubt it. His younger friend was a bit of an amateur hacker, and had popped the lock on the school's private records. He had told Toji (along with anyone else in earshot) about everything he'd learned.

Hikari had been one of those in earshot, ironically, and she'd given them both cleanup duty for a month afterwards.

If nothing else, Toji remembered that little fact about the blue-haired albino. But the question of why she was playing messenger for Shinji remained. Toji wasn't able to let go of it for the rest of the day.

000

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was not a happy scientist. Sitting before her were the latest batch of reports about the enigma, Shinji Ikari. Filled with impossible numbers, complex brain-wave fluctuations and wildly varying psychosomatic prognostics, the information concerning Shinji's unprecedented piloting skills, along with the unnaturally high amounts of LCL in his cells told her that he'd been piloting for a much longer period of time than what they were aware of. He was so supersaturated with the orange fluid that she was surprised he wasn't orange himself.

All of the samples they'd collected, including the spinal fluid they'd taken, had an almost unhealthy amount of LCL in them, which could only be possible if he'd spent the better part of a year floating in the chemical bath. Like he would have been if he'd been receiving training outside of NERV. It was certainly possible, considering what SEELE could accomplish, but as far as she knew, even they hadn't known about Ikari's child until just recently. Unless they'd lied to her about it, which was something they would do. Even though she was the head researcher for their Instrumentality Project, she had no doubt that they were aware of her involvement with the elder Ikari, which in itself warranted their suspicion, especially considering that they were right to be concerned.

But then there was a problem with that theory. The boy himself. There were some things one just could not fake, and psychosis was one of them. He could have faked the symptoms, but the catatonia couldn't be. He was under constant camera surveillance, and the scanners were set to record any fluctuations in his brain. And there weren't any. His brain activity had been at absolute zero for his entire stay. He hadn't moved, hadn't spoken, hadn't done anything. Misato had sworn he'd spoken to her, and Rei had admitted to seeing him look at her, but the machinery had recorded nothing. For all of her faults, Misato wasn't the delusional type, and Rei just _didn't_ know how to lie. She suspected tampering, but when she'd had Section Five's technical teams examine everything, they'd not been able to find any evidence indicating such.

It was… disconcerting. Someone powerful was in NERV itself, someone skilled enough to access and alter files flawlessly and was somehow connected to the near comatose boy lying on the hospital bed two rooms down.

Coupled with that, Gendo had been all but breathing down her neck about getting Shinji up and about. Drugs hadn't helped, and whenever someone came in he didn't even acknowledge them. It was as if he had been simply turned off, which might have been possible considering the kind of mental trauma he'd been suffering.

That, of course, was another rather disconcerting mystery. Whoever had trained him certainly hadn't done anything beyond the piloting aspects. He wasn't in the best physical shape, though there was some notable muscle development and overall growth, and he didn't seem to have anything in the way of psychological prep, which was a gross oversight if his current state was any indication.

They were at a loss as to what they could do. Out of five complete Evangelion startups, two of them had ended with the pilot a psychological mess and another had left the pilot dematerialized. Rei's had gone completely apeshit and ended up severely injuring her. Asuka's was the only Evangelion that hadn't caused any such issues, and they hadn't even finished with the Unit itself.

It was as if the gods themselves were mocking her and the rest of the NERV research team. With the kind of luck they were having, it was little wonder that the varying governments of the world were working on their own anti-Angel weapons, the Jet Alone project the most promising of the lot. If she knew Gendo though, there was little doubt that he would have some say in that little debacle.

But the situation remained. Ritsuko sat in silence for a moment, before reaching over to the intercom that was linked directly to hers and Maya's office several floors below. There was much that needed doing, but a cup of coffee and a few moments rest would do her a world of good right now. She'd already given herself a persistent headache from pondering the mess of issues that were laying at her feet.

Hopefully, though, she'd be able to sort everything out before the next angel attack.

Hopefully.

000

Hidden deep below the waves of the Pacific, resting at the bottom of a yet undiscovered crater-like trench lay a small, crystalline pod, a fetus-like embryo resting in the center of the amber egg, its shape eerily similar to that of an unborn human child. The ovoid structure pulsed slowly, softly, each burst giving off an otherworldly glimmer that drove all life away from it. Each flash ticked off, with the rigidity of a clock and the gentleness of a heart, waiting, simply waiting, for the time in which it was to be born.

Fifteen years it had rested there, deposited by the seed of its Father and left to await the birth of its kin. Fifteen years it slumbered beneath the waves, its own intelligence only the barest glimmer, aware of nothing beyond its own existence. And then the First had come into being. Suddenly, it became aware of something beyond its own bounds, and for that it was grateful.

There had come a time when it had felt the touch of its elder brother, the first. It had been elated, its senses lapping at the link it shared with the First Child, its Elder and Wiser. Such happiness it felt, such joy. It was no longer alone, and it found itself no longer longing for companionship, no longer desiring simplicity in its own singularity.

Such an experience was beyond its limited understanding. It wanted to know more, to experience more, to learn and grow. The Elder was seeking their Father, knew where it resided and was traveling to meet him. It was so excited, and they could both feel it through their link.

Through the First's eyes it saw the stinging insects that nipped at it, and the mocking laughter of the Elder as it swatted them away. It "saw" another, greater shape, similar to how the Elder imagined itself, and it felt the First reach out and greet the purple giant. It felt the First's fear when it touched upon the bloodletting rage that resided in the Other, and the pain that the Other had caused when it shattered the First's body. It felt the desire to act, to save the Elder when the great beast had crushed it, and it felt an infinite mourning when the Other killed its Brother.

And then, it too, felt the bloodletting rage. It felt the desire to crush the Other, to strangle the life from it, to cut it to pieces and to consume the remains. It forced itself to grow, to age, to break its egg and embrace the light of its soul. From that small fetus a great tail grew, a massive construct of flesh bound by its own will. From its tiny chest spurted clawing ribs, each scraping against the cold, stony shale beneath it, and from its head came a serpentine skull flattened and triangular. It felt an unending hunger to destroy, to rend and tear and consume, and so it did. For weeks, it wandered the ocean floor, hunting the greatest of beasts and catching them within its spider like ribs, before its tube like mouth, covered in wicked fangs, sucked the creature in and using it's energy to grow larger, grow longer.

And within such a short time it found itself born. It lusted for the Other, to crush it within its massive coils and consume its broken skull. It would avenge its Brother, the First, the Eldest, and then find their Father, so they might mourn his passing. As a family.

And thus, Shamshel was born. The Lonely Conqueror of God had come.

000

"Well, what did you want to talk to me about?" asked Hikari Horaki, her hands perched on her hips as she looked at Toji Suzuhara, the both of them standing on the roof of the school. He boy in question was facing away from her, his fingers intertwined with the links of the security fence that lined the rooftop.

Earlier in the day he'd asked her, very quietly, if she would join him on the roof during lunch when she'd been handing out the day's schedule to the class. She had consented, and as promised, had joined him. Now, for all of her maturity, she was a teenaged girl, and she had been crushing on Toji for as long as she'd known him, not that he had picked up on it, so when he'd asked her to join him on the roof for lunch, she'd managed to come up with any number of romantic thoughts.

And then he'd just stood there for ten minutes, staring out into the city and all but ignoring her.

"I've been thinking." He began, after another moment's hesitation. "I've been thinking about a lot of things, Hikari." There was a somber note in his voice, solemn and empty, but firm nonetheless. Arms crossed, he watched the millings of his fellow students below, a slight scowl on his face, one that had framed his lips ever since the loss of his best friend.

"Like…?" His words weren't lost on her, and like a soft dew in the morning sun her annoyance vanished. Her hands fell from her hips, and she stepped closer. Toji took no notice, even as she drifted nearer to him. Concern etched its way across her face, along with a gentle curiosity that echoed in her movements. She wondered what he was talking about, a million thoughts going through her mind as she looked at him.

"It's about that new kid." That caught her a bit off guard. Of all the things she'd been thinking about, that was the furthest from her mind. When she'd asked him about it earlier, he'd brushed her off. She hadn't been able to pry anything out of the boy concerning his charge earlier in the week, and it was a bit of a mystery to her why he would talk about it now. Maybe he just needed to decide on what to do, or maybe he'd decided he could trust her, or…

"Shinji Ikari?" Hikari prompted, and Toji nodded. He told her about what he'd been pondering earlier, concerning Rei, and about how the boy had acted and what was said. A lot of it didn't really make any sense to her, but she was able to see what had him so worked up. A lot of the dots weren't connecting, but all of their answers seemed to lead towards something, but what, they didn't know.

"It all leads back to Rei." Hikari whispered, almost to herself. Her hand came to her lips as she pondered everything. "Perhaps…" she began, but was cut off by Toji.

"What leads back to Rei?" He prompted, turning to the girl. Hikari waved him off though, and continued on.

"Not to Rei, maybe, but she does know something. I can't think of how those two would be involved, though. I don't think they know each other, but… I just can't think of how. Maybe through NERV?" Toji nodded, grunting an affirmative.

"That's what I was thinking, but a lot of people work for NERV, and I know that I've never met him. I thought all of the kids that have parents in NERV came to school here. Do you think his family transferred in from another branch? I could ask my dad about it tonight, though. He said he'd be home for once."

"Maybe. The name Ikari seems familiar, but I can't place it. My mom works in their R and D division, so she might know something about him too, but I don't know when she'll be back. She said that she'll be working way late for the next couple of weeks. Something about needing to be at a demonstration near Tokyo 2 some time in the next month."

"Dammit! I still don't see how Rei would be connected. Everything points to her now knowing him, but if she didn't then she wouldn't have known about what was wrong with Ikari. God, this is all so… so _stupid_. If only Kensuke were here. He'd… he'd know…" Toji turned away again, fists clenched. Hikari reached to him, placed a hand onto his shoulder, her face awash with concern for the boy.

Toji looked to be ready to say something else, but found himself cut off. The familiar wail of the raid sirens began their screeching, the sound paralyzing them both for but a moment, a sense of terror overwhelming their senses as thoughts of the shelter took the forefront of their minds. Images of the last time they heard that terrible sound, of the shelter, the collapse… the bodies…

"I… I ca-" Hikari started to whisper, only to be cut off as the siren bleat again. Toji paused for a moment more, before grabbing Hikari's hand. The act shook her out of her own little nightmare, and she looked to Toji quickly, only to see his head turned away, facing the mountains in the distance, and the great, looming shadow that had crawled ever so slowly over them.

"We should get moving." He said, and his tone held no room for argument. The two quickly vanished down the stairway.

000

_Shinji's eyes opened. The light around him was blinding, tinted a thousands shades of a thousand different colors, all streaming across his bare form, the glare flooding in from an uncountable number of stained glass mosaics. He lay there, upon the granite floor, arms outstretched and inviting, almost calling to the thousands of images before him, of angels, of demons, of men and beasts, of all manner of acts, both good and evil, all tinted against the ever present light. The ceiling above him, suspended upon the purest marble, lined a massive dome, made of eighteen individual panes, each depicting a single moment in time. Each depicting a great battle, a single act of violence in which there stood a massive titan of indescribable rage, slaying each a different angel with a wicked and unholy spear. Around them, in each shining scene, there was fire, blood and death. In each scene, there stood the victorious beast, and in each scene, the skies darkened just a little bit more._

_And at the center of this grim visage lay a singular tablet, words ringing the outer edge as an inverted cross hung from its center and slowly turned. On it, Shinji read aloud the archaic words._

"_Der wille zur macht; Jenseits von gut und bose; Also sprach Zarathustra." the boy whispered, his hushed tone echoing hollowly across the empty room. Above him, the massive cross turned, casting a black shadow across every image, the scenes shifting, becoming more grotesque and bloody with the touch of the inverted blasphemy. With dead eyes the boy watched as the titan ripped the angels to pieces, gorging on their innards like a wild beast as it slew them._

"_The will to power; Beyond good and evil; Thus spoke Zarathustra." The voice was strained, whispered as the words themselves reached the young boy's ears. His head turned, ever so slowly, ever so silently, his hair brushing against the cold granite below him, his lost gaze drifting from image to image as they passed. Slowly, oh so slowly did those lost eyes turn, and unto thus, did they find the one who spoke that ancient hymn._

"_Kaworu." Staring at him with a bloody grin and broken teeth lay the severed head of Kaworu Nagisa, its neck twisted off at the base and hanging in the air like some bloody tree root. From it hung a few remaining vertebrae, the bones scraping against the earth with every warped word. One eye hung free from his skull, attached only by the root, while the other watched Shinji listlessly._

"_You're in so much pain, Shinji. Why do you hurt so?" The head asked him, its lips unmoving, its dead eyes empty and devoid of life. The boy made no move, no effort to rise. He simply stared back, the wicked scarring on his face burning with the touch of the afternoon light._

"_Because I've done such horrible things, Kaworu. I let them all die. I could have saved them, but I let them all die." Shinji replied in a singular monotone, his gaze unwavering. "Just like you, Kaworu."_

_And the world fell away. Once more Shinji found himself lying in a hospital bed, wearing little more than a gown and surrounded by an innumerable number of machines. The sound of beeping and pulsing bled out all other sound, while the empty white of the overhead fluorescents all but blinded him. But he was unbound, unfettered, and thus lifted himself from the bedding and stood._

_The walk to the door was short, but it felt as though it had taken hours. There was such a massive pressure upon him, one that felt so unbearably heavy. His hands shook, as the door approached, and his heart ached with every beat. The thin slippers did nothing for his feet, and the ground below him felt cold and hard. It was unforgiving._

_The doorway opened. He could only step beyond, and again, his world went dark._

_He found himself standing at the doorway to his classroom, the world behind him existing as nothing but the empty hallways of his school, the orange light of the late afternoon sun glaring in through the windows. Inside, he could see only one person, sitting at his desk, leaning back, face hidden by the setting sun. Shinji felt himself approach, closer, ever closer, to the one sitting in his desk._

"_Rei?" He whispered, the word echoing throughout the room._

_The girl turned to him, her crimson eyes boring through him, to his very soul. In the afternoon light, her hair seemed to hold an ethereal glow, shimmering like the purest of rivers, framing her pale, elven face. In her hands lie a single item, a cross, splattered with a touch of crimson. Misato's cross._

"_Hello Shinji." Was all she said in response. The boy stepped forth, almost daringly, curiously. His hand reached out of its own accord, and the tips of his fingers gave the barest of brushes against her silky cheek. She made no move to pull away, and only continued to stare at the boy with an unwavering gaze._

"_Why are you here?" Shinji asked, his voice not his own, though he took no notice. The barest of trembles made itself through his body as he met her eyes._

"_Why are you here?" Rei mimicked, in his voice, almost mockingly, though her face never changed. She looked out over the horizon beyond the windows, and Shinji followed her. Beyond he could see the monolithic Eva Series, framed before the half-moon of Lillith's head, all floating in an ocean of LCL._

"_I always seem to come back here, don't I?" The boy asked, eventually. His gaze was lost over the whole of the world beyond. He didn't even notice when Rei faded away, leaving him alone. It wasn't until he heard the soft ringing of a cello did he turn away, the mournful strings pulling him from the endless abyss that was his home. The sound echoed through the hallways and staircases, and Shinji followed it, room for room, until he found his way to the auditorium._

"_Kaworu." The whispered word escaped his lips, and was lost on the winding notes of the massive instrument in the boy's hands. For but a moment, Shinji simply stood there, listening to the soft melody of the tune. So radiant was it that the boy found himself wandering, across time and space, across lines and parallels, across the whole of the world and beyond. It took from him the guilt that had so heavily weighed him down, and let him fly once more._

_Shinji nearly wept when it ended._

"_Stella of the Moors." Kaworu said as he stood from the instrument, and slowly made his way towards Shinji. "A song about a beast, one who wishes to become a man, but cannot. Trapped in his true form, he takes to drinking from the blood of other beasts, craving it, to justify that which he cannot be. You see, in doing so, he wishes to act as man does, to become like man, and stand above the beasts. In the end, though, he slays all of his fellow beasts, and finds himself alone, left to wander the moors until the end of his days."_

"_Such a sad story, but with such a warm tune." Shinji replied, as the world between the two of them melted away. All that remained was the floor, and the orange sky above._

"_It is, isn't it? Such an odd contradiction, don't you think? Much like you." The angel responded, and Shinji stopped beside him. Standing shoulder to shoulder, faces opposite one another, the dark-haired boy replied in a quiet tone._

"_How is it like me?" He asked, his tone empty._

"_Why, you are the beast, one who wishes to become that which you aren't. Wrapped in that kind, warm exterior beats the heart of a savage, monstrous thing." Said the angel, and Shinji looked away._

"_That's a lie." Shinji spat. Kaworu simply chuckled at him for his trouble._

"_Is it? Can't you feel it, even now? A fire in your blood, a desire in your heart, and a cry in your soul. A sense of something missing… something you can't explain. Do you sense it, Shinji?" The words seared at the young boy's soul, and he could only shake at the sense of rage they filled him with._

"_Take it back, Kaworu. I'm not a monster." Shinji ground out, an inexplicable anger beginning to boil up from below. Thunder clashed above, and as the two stood apart, the rain began to pour._

"_But it's true. In you is something dark, something dangerous, something with fangs and claws and-" Kaworu never go to finish, as he was come upon by Shinji, the dark-haired boy's hands wrapping around the angel's neck like a vice. The angel responded with a smile._

"_I'm not a beast! I'm not a monster!" Shinji all but snarled, his face twisting. He could feel the nails of his fingers digging into Kaworu's flesh, but the act was lost on him. It wasn't until he felt the other boy's hands lightly caress his cheeks, both the scarred and unscarred._

"_So beautiful you are, my beast." And then Kaworu's face shifted, changed, his hair became long, crimson, his face feminine, and his voice, hers. It was then that Shinji caught his own eye, reflected in a puddle of shimmering rain. Twisted and warped, it terrified him. "It's what you are, Shinji. Don't be afraid." She whispered in a strained voice._

"_I… I…" His hands lost their strength, and, sitting on his haunches, he simply stared at her. "I… but I…"_

"_I know, Shinji. Don't feel sad, it's in your nature. All of those deaths aren't your fault. You can't help your nature." She whispered, caressing him, gently, as a lover would. He could only turn away. "Don't be ashamed, dear beast. You should accept what you are, what you always have been."_

_The words were bittersweet, but Shinji took them. He needed them. They made the pain go away, the weight vanish. He needed them because there was nothing better._

"_Look around you, Shinji. Look at where we are. Like Stella, you slew all of the others, every other beast. Your home was gone, along with everyone else. Only I remained, dear beast. You chose me, and I remained, and everyone else was gone. Do you remember?"_

"_I…"_

"_Do you remember the truth of it all?"_

"_I… I don't…"_

"_Do you remember the choice you made?"_

"_It wasn't my fault…"_

"_Of course not, Shinji. It never was."_

"_I couldn't help it…"_

"_Of course not. It's in your nature."_

"_I-in my nature?"_

"_Yes, Shinji. It's in your nature. It's not your fault."_

"_It's not my fault."_

"_It's not your fault."_

"_It… it isn't, it is?" Shinji whispered, his eyes going back to her, meeting hers._

"_It's not, Shinji. It's your nature, after all." In her crimson eyes he saw an infinite well of forgiveness, of… not pity, but understanding. He let himself drown in it all, take it in like the sweetest drug, basking in a singular moment of wholeness in which the pains of his failure simply drifted away._

"_You don't need to care any more, Shinji. You don't need to worry or fear. I'll take care of you. All you have to do is accept what you are. That's all." She whispered, her honeyed words drifting into his broken shell of a soul. Deep down, a part of him objected, a part of him raged, cried against the siren's song. Yet those voices were smothered, brushed aside by an ever more powerful force, one desiring relief, forgiveness, and a warm hand to hold._

_His crimson angel smiled at him, and took his hand in hers. His eyes lidded shut, tired, and ever so heavy. But it was alright. It didn't matter any more. Nothing mattered any more. It wasn't his fault, it was just his nature. It was what that whispered voice told him, its owner's fingers running through his hair as he began to drift, began to lose focus and lose sight. Shinji let his eyes drift shut, soothed by the feeling of those lithe fingers drifting through his dark hair._

And then they were gone. The world that met his opening eyes was far away, from that strange place that he'd found himself laid bare. What met his gaze was yet another unfamiliar ceiling, one tiled and off white. Around him, the hum of the machines echoed, interrupted by the beeping of the heart monitor, it's rhythm lulling him farther from that strange, wondrous place, from those loving arms, and once again into the clutches of that uninviting hospital bed.

"Finally awake, are you?" The words tore Shinji from his thoughts. His head rose, slightly, glancing around. In the corner, he saw his father sitting, legs folded, hands in his lap, his ever present glasses boring into the boy. From his prone and unmoving position, he couldn't get a good look at the older man, but he could still glimpse him from the corner of his eye.

"Yes, Father." Was all he could find in himself to say. What more was there?

"The Fourth Angel has come. As we speak, it's making it's way towards Tokyo 3, towards us. You will pilot the Eva when it arrives." Gendo said, his tone as empty as ever, and Shinji glanced away from the man. He gave no response.

"You've caused a lot of trouble with this little episode. You will not repeat it. Do you understand, Shinji?" Continued Shinji's father, his tone icing over at the lack of response from his son. He had come, personally, to handle this. "Are you listening, Shinji?"

"Yes, Father." The words were spit out, and both knew this, but Gendo was satisfied. He stood, intending to leave. He was needed on the Command Bridge, and he'd wasted enough time dealing with this issue than he should have.

The two let a moment pass between them. The silence was awkward, uncomfortable. They hadn't spoken more than a handful of times since their reunion. He'd wanted to say so much, wanted to scream at the man, and hug him and cry on his shoulder, and hear his approval and all of those things that fathers and sons shared. He wanted to speak, he opened his mouth to do so, but no sound came out. He looked away, and closed his mouth.

"Doctor Akagi will see to your release, then. I expect you ready within the hour." The man said coldly, before glancing back at his progeny as he walked through the doorway.. "Don't disappoint me, Shinji." And the automatic door slid shut.

Shinji clutched his hands tightly. Deep down, his stomach turned with disgust, at himself, at his father, at the injustice of it all and how he was so helpless. It was pathetic, the epitome of everything he was. A coward, afraid of all but his own shadow.

**Pathetic.** The word was whispered, silent and wicked. Shinji's teeth clenched, and he silently raged. He wanted to scream out a that mocking voice, to find it's owner and beat them until they didn't move any more, wanted to deny the absolution that had been laid upon him by that one word.

But he couldn't.

_Shut up!_ He silently screamed, an unfamiliar anger rising from his chest, drowning out the vicious laughter that echoed through him and leaving him feeling nothing but hatred for that voice and it's mocking tones.

**But it's oh so true, isn't it, Shinji? **It replied back, a singing lilt to its voice. **You can't even quiet the voices in your own head. What makes you think you can save anything? You're so weak. It's **_**disgusting.**_ The words were spat into his face, and the boy could only clench his eyes shut and try to stem the tears that threatened to form.

_Damn you. Shut up Stop it!_ So badly did Shinji want to cover his ears, to block it all out and simply forget. He wanted to end that voice, to crush it and wipe it away. He wanted… he wanted…

The opening of the door pulled him from his thoughts as doctor Akagi walked in, her tired gaze drifting once over the room, over the machines and the boy strapped to the bed. Her eyes seemed to look through the lot of them, dark rings having long since formed around those bloodshot orbs.

She went to work on the restraints without a word, not that he really expected any differently. He'd never been close to the blonde, and the few times the two had been somewhat familiar with one another were swept away with months of apathy. In truth, he'd never really felt comfortable around the woman, and she never did seem too interested in talking to him, beyond the distant courtesy that she showed him during his visits to her. Thus, it wasn't any surprise to him when she didn't try to make conversation with him. She simply undid the restraints and moved to the door.

"Someone will be in with your plug suit shortly, Shinji. They'll take you to the cages once you change." She said, before turning towards the door. "Oh, and before I forget, you're to report back to the medical wing at NERV Central when you get back. I need to give you a full over after this, understand?" She said, looking back to him and scribbling something down on the clipboard in her hands.

"Yes, Dr. Akagi." He uttered, doing nothing more than sitting up and letting his stiff muscles stretch a moment. Ritsuko left as quickly as she'd come, doubtlessly because she was needed on the Command Bridge.

True to her word, an unnamed orderly whom Shinji had never met arrived minutes after the Doctor left. He came bearing Shinji's revised Plug Suit, the one with the internal padding and sub-dermal sensor matrix, complete with helmet. Shinji dressed quickly, not that there was much to the one piece uniform, regardless of how advanced it supposedly was.

The walk to the cages was short, and the elevator ride over all too quickly. The A10-100 helmet felt heavy in his hands, the psuedoplastic mask shining in the harsh overhead lights as he made his way down the catwalk towards the plug dock. Looking before him sat the unmoving, unfaltering face of Unit 01, its dark purple visage staring forward, through him, like a statue. The sight of it caused his breath to catch in his throat. Plated to its body sat the hefty bulk of the F-type equipment, the sharp angles and lavender coverings giving it an almost surreal glow in the LCL mix.

The sight caused Shinji to pause, his hands gripping his helmet tightly. In his heart he felt trepidation, fear, excitement, each with a thousand facets, each pressing into him unerringly. One of his hands drifted up to caress the wrinkled, scarred remains of his face, and his memory drifted back, weeks prior, when he'd felt the blade of light pierce through his Eva's right eye and seared the flesh from him. It was ugly, and it marred him viciously.

Around him he could feel the stares of the ground crew, feel their gaze on his warped flesh. Their discomfort was palpable, and he could only glance away from them, though that did nothing to help it all.

_Ignore them, Shinji. They don't matter._

The boy's head shot up, his gaze wide, searching, as he looked to his sides. His angel was here, with her crimson hair and burning orbs, but… but she wasn't. Just her voice, just her whispers, trying to sooth him, trying to push away his pains and fears.

_Yeah… they don't matter. _Shinji thought to himself, a cold frown on his face as he glanced to the few crewmen who remained in the launch area. They quickly looked away from him.

He snapped on his helmet, and watched as the microtext began running through the bootup procedure. He felt the helmet's sensor's press against his head, and the small tingle of current that followed their syncing with his thought patterns. The radio activated, and the small bit of static that echoed through the earpiece quickly vanished as the unit made it's own set of active calibrations.

"Shinji, can you hear me?" Came Misato's voice over the intercom, her tone professional, even though he could hear a measure of relief in her voice.

"Yes, Misato. Loud and clear." He replied as he slipped into the awaiting entry plug, the LCL mixture filtering into the tube as he tried to position himself into the Throne. His hands went to the two joystick toggles, the vibrations of the Evangelion's startup running up through the entry plug as all of the systems began to link up, the inside of the tube exploding into a show of light and color as it did so.

"Alright, Shinji, we don't know what this angel can do, so we're going to take it slow. I'm clearing you for the hundred and twenty millimeter, so make sure to get it off the rack when you're heading to the gantry. We're going to drop you roughly three hundred meters from the target, which should give you roughly forty seconds of clearance to spread your AT field and get a bead on the target. Can you handle that?" Asked Misato over the COM link.

"Yes, Misato." Shinji uttered, barely above a whisper. Deep in the pit of his stomach a familiar uneasiness began to form, even as his mind began to search for the last time he met Shamshel. Then, he'd been inexperienced, been afraid, but then, the situation had been different. _He'd_ been different. Everything was wrong, now.

"Come back safe, Shinji. We're counting on you." The woman replied, before the comms went dead.

**Yes, we're counting on you **_**Shinji.**_ The shadows spat at him with a mirthful tone. **Don't let us down.**

Cruel laughter followed him as he ascended the gantries, the armory rack hanging open, the locks holding the massive 120mm canister-fed minigun aloft lay open to him. The boy shut it out of his mind as he willed his Eva's hands to lift the massive six-barreled weapon, the weight adding to the already massive strain that Shinji felt from the added body armor.

"Shinji, get onto the launch gantry. The Fourth Angel is approaching and we need to get you up there." Misato said over the open channel, stirring the boy to hurry. With a click, the weapon locked into place, and with a thought, Eva Unit 01 joined it, the leg clamps ad shoulder rails gripping it.

In an instant, Shinji felt his whole body under massive pressure as the gantry shot up at mach four, the force of the magnetic rails sending all hundred plus tons of Evangelion through the network of boom tubes that snaked under Tokyo 3 and its suburbs. Shinji would have screamed, had he not been afraid of biting off his own tongue along the way, so instead he grit his teeth and tried to focus on what Misato had told him about the mission plan.

Seconds passed, though it seemed like forever, and Shinji could already feel the softening of the G forces as the launcher slowed the gantry. The rumbling from the rails lessened, and with it Shinji's heart begin to beat faster.

"Shinji, we're going to activate the Biosonar scanner now. Be ready for it." He heard Misato tell him through the comms, but was unable to respond. It was then that the pylon resting before Unit 01's face began to glow, the sensor suite warming up. A moment later, the cockpit glowed sharply, a wireframe laying itself over everything Shinji could see, and several scanners appeared in his helmet's viewfinder, from weapon munitions to an active radar, along with a number of other sensors and scanners. The readouts were gibberish at first, but very quickly they adjusted.

The gantry stopped, and the exit port opened up. A glance told Shinji that Shamshel had already reached the three hundred meter mark. He grabbed the barrel grip of the minigun in his hands, hauling it up and sending the activate command, causing the massive weapon's barrel cycle to begin. A moment passed, and another. Shinji took a deep breath of LCL.

And then rolled out of the side of the building, Unit-01's sensors locking onto the massive form of the beast, its rib-like claws swinging wildly as it stopped hovering and elongated itself along the ground. Its lower body, originally very bulky, shot out, thinning and stretching into a massive, coiling tail, much like a snake, while the whole of its upper torso and hood bent upwards, towards the Evangelion, two massive fang-like protrusions sliding from underneath and twitching, globules of black liquid dripping from the mandibles.

Shinji pulled the trigger. The thunderous roar of 120mm anti-material rounds barked from the spinning barrels of the massive machinegun, each individually powerful enough to obliterate a tank, crossing in-between the two titans instantly, and slamming into the Angel itself. Black dust and smoke began to take hold as the rounds exploded against the serpent, from which the Biosonar created a wireframe of the creature in its stead, even as each individual round slammed into Shamshel.

It was only thanks to that, that Shinji was able to barely roll out of the way when two glowing purple tentacles shot out from the debris cloud, shredding the buildings around the Eva as it dived to the side and onto a nearby warehouse. Weapon still in hand, he opened up on the still form of the creature, firing from the hip wildly as he scrambled his Evangelion away from Shamshel. The energy whips shot out again, this time ensnaring the weapon in Shinji's hands, slicing it clean in two and glancing against Unit 01's left armguard, leaving a thick line of black carbon scoring on the lavender titanium.

It was then that the remainder of the minigun detonated, Shinji barely having had time to toss away the sparking weapon before the blast sent Unit 01 skidding down the street. In that instant, the serpent attacked again, its whips wrapping around the Evangelion's leg and, with a sudden, violent shift in its being, tossed Unit 01 through a nearby skyscraper. The building all but imploded as the purple giant went through the structure, only to be dragged through the collapsing building again by that very same whip, and then tossed farther downtown when it flicked him a third time.

There was a deafening screech as the Eva's armor scraped against the concrete, leaving a vicious gouge down the road.

"Shinji, there's a pallet rifle in the arsenal building to your left! Get it!" He heard Misato scream into his ear as he tried to reorient himself, the thunder of missiles in the distance as the city's point-defense cannons and AA launchers let loose with their covering fire, granting the boy precious few seconds to stand and get the weapon.

Thrusting his hand through the steel door, not even waiting for the unit to open, he ripped the 60mm machine cannon from the confines of the building, the automated sensors in his hands unlocking the weapon's safety and allowing him the chance to open up with the weapon.

Shamshel was already upon him, its cobra-like hood shooting out and slamming into the Eva like a freight train, sending it through the abused arsenal building like a bull through a rice paper door. Shinji let out a yelp, the sound gasping and sharp, as he felt broken metal dig into the Eva's back, and his by extension, as he tried to roll away, barely dodging the lashing energy as he did so. Without aiming, or even securing a grip on the rifle, he pulled the trigger, the kick sending a wild stream of bullets in the general direction of the Angel, Shinji using the few precious moments to dive away from the creature.

To Shinji's horror, Shinji watched Shamshel dive through the air behind him, slamming into Unit 01 from behind. Shinji barely had a second to turn before he felt the elongated body of the Angel wrap around him, crushing his Eva's chest and waist like some kind of boa constrictor, one of its tentacles pulling his arm taut, locking up the joint and paralyzing it.

The other wrapped around Unit 01's neck, and then began _pulling_ it towards the two inverted mandibles on the underside of it's hood. Seconds passed as the two fought, Shinji using his Eva's one free hand to push away while the tentacle, and then the rib-claws on Shamshel's chest tried to pull his face closer to those mandibles.

And then, to Shinji's, and to the command staff's horror, a line opened up down the center of that hood, revealing a suction-cup like mouth covered in thousands of needle teeth, all twitching and pulling at the edges of Unit 01's helmet, leaving sizzling, searing scratch marks when they touched. It was then that the mouth _elongated_, sliding out and latching onto the Eva's faceplate.

_That was when Shinji started to scream._

Pain, unlike anything Shinji could remember entered his mind. It was like something was _searing his face off._ No matter how hard he screamed, how hard he cried, frantically struggling to push the creature off him, he found no relief. Each needle tooth dug into his flesh, every droplet of toxin seared his flesh, all feeling multiplied through the biomachine he was connected to.

The creature sucked even more of his Eva's head in, and the pain became all he knew. It drowned out Misato's voice, drowned out his own screams, drowned out everything, so utterly and completely. Darkness began entering Shinji's mind, the whole of it shutting down, unable to cope, and then…

Blackness.

_As far as his eyes could see, the world stretched out into an infinite and unending field, soft, green grass stretching for miles all around him. The sun shimmered high above, in a clear, cloudless sky. Flickers of amber, ruby and sapphire flitted around him, the essence of an innumerable number of flowers flitting in the wind. And in the center of it all, a tree rested, in all of its emerald glory, offering a touch of shade on that calm, summer day._

_Far from Shinji's mind was the Angel, was the darkness and the taste of blood. Far from his thoughts was that cramped cockpit full of its controls and readouts, and instead… peace. Silence and tranquility. A world away from home, perfect and serene and absolute._

_He stood, the ground caressing his bare feet, the confining grip of the plug suit gone from his seemingly featureless form. The grass was soft, tickling, beneath his steps, his body moving of its own accord, moving away from the sun and towards that forgiving shadow beneath the tree._

_And he heard the laughter of children, growing closer with every step. The sounds of play, of happiness and joy echoed through his ears like the sweetest of songs, and he found himself drawn to it. With every step, he found himself closer to that tree, the only mark in the endless emerald landscape, the wind whispering gentle promises against his skin, enticing him ever more._

_Like phantoms did those children appear, fading in from the summer sun, dancing around that great oak. Two girls, one boy, one with hair like winter frost, another with hair like the hottest of flames, and the third, with dark brown hair. The girls, they danced with one another as children do, while the third simply sat at the base of the tree, watching them. They seemed content, happy, and the sight brought joy to Shinji's heart._

_**My, how the children play. So happy, so free. So deluded. **__A voice whispered into Shinji's right ear, the words drifting through the air like poison, heavy and dark. He turned to look at his whisperer. There was nothing._

"_Is it so bad, though? To be deluded? They seem so happy." Shinji replied, after a moment. His words were gentle against the wind, nearly lost in their intensity._

_But it is a lie, Shinji. What happiness is there in such a thing?__ Another voice asked, a feminine one, this time into his left ear. The words were pondering, almost Lillian in their own way. Beautiful, yet haunting._

"_Because it hurts less. Isn't that something to be happy about? If they believe the lies, then they don't have to worry about the truth." Shinji said, again in a whisper lost on the wind's wings. The dark voice chuckled._

_**Just because they don't acknowledge pain doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They just lie to themselves, and then believe that lie. It's pathetic. **__The voice snapped harshly, the words biting and vicious. Shinji shook his head and glanced away._

"_But maybe that's all a person needs. All they need is the lie, is to be away from that pain, and never feel it. Isn't that good enough?" Shinji asked, his voice that of a child's, soft, meek and powerless._

_Even if that pain is killing them? Ignoring pain lets it poison you, Shinji. It doesn't make it go away, but rather, just hides it until it can break you.__ She whispered to him, and a hand drifted to cover his left eye, and the world froze. Around him the sky, the sun, the grass and the tree, all became shades of grey. The playing children stalled, slowing, flickering in and out._

_And in a gout of absolute pain, the right side of Shinji's face burned away, leaving nothing but the scared, shredded tissue. In that instant, the world, frozen and stalled, shattered, the pieces crashing to the ground like so much glass. In that exact moment, Shinji's voice failed him even as the world was engulfed in flames. The ground became ashen and broken, the grass having long since turned to ash, even as the sky found itself bleached with dark smoke, the very air itself choking him as he tried to tear away the hand covering his other eye. His fingers met nothingness._

_And the children __**burned. **__Oblivious in their play, they did nothing as the flames leapt upon their clothing, reducing it to ash even as their skin began to bubble and pop under the immense heat. Their hair smoldered away into nothing, and Shinji could only watch as fat bubbled and boiled, and organs burst like balloons, spilling their innards across the ground. It took minutes. It felt like hours._

_And still they played, their blackened skulls smiling in mockery as their hands linked in song and dance._

_Shinji threw up._

_**So innocent, so foolish. Watch as they dance, they sing and play, even as their flesh is burned from their bones. Aren't they happy? So joyous! So free! Isn't it enough?**__ The voice mocked, laughing madly, even as Shinji tried to turn away. He couldn't._

_It was then that the hand covering his left faded away, and the world was right once more, with it's endless grassland and blue sky. Shinji could only fall to his knees, fall away from it all. He hit the ground, the grass crushing beneath him as he did so._

_It was only then that the world faded away into nothingness. All that remained were the two girls, the boy, and Shinji._

_The truth will set you free, Shinji. The lies are just the chains that bind you. Once you cast them aside, then you can overcome your pain.__ She whispered to him, her soft voice whispering in his mind. Kneeling on the ground, eyes blank and crying, he stared forth at those three children. At how they played, in the field of grass and flame, hidden in the shade of a burning tree even as their bones split from the heat._

_And he looked on at the little boy, chained to that tree, bindings that weren't there weighing down his arms and legs, and hanging around his neck like a hangman's noose._

_**You can't escape it, Shinji. You know what you are. You know what you want. You're just too pathetic to grab it.**__ He whispered with a vicious cackle, it's tone jagged and broken._

_You don't need to be afraid of it, Shinji. You just need to accept it.__ She whispered into his ear, the soft caress of her voice drying his tears._

_**It's what you are, Shinji. You need to embrace it.**_

_Because it's who you are, Shinji. It's who you've always been._

_**You knew it was there, ever since the first time daddy left you to rot. You knew it when you got into Unit 01 the first time, too. You just couldn't accept it.**_

_You knew it's power when Zeruel tried to take her away from you._

_**AND YOU KNEW IT'S NAME WHEN YOU CRUSHED THEM ALL!**_

_And Shinji watched as the little boy stood, his chains falling away from him, and stalked towards the two little girls. In a flash, he had them both, pinned to the ground, his hands clenching their throats tightly, giggling as he watched them struggle against the child, his smile matching that of his facsimile's._

"_Rage."_

And in that moment of darkness, the world became clear again. The pain vanished, and an inexplicable _rage_ filled the boy. He raged, with such unholy force, such wicked, violent fury. He raged at the pain, he raged a the injustice, at the voices and the lies and the torment and the failure. He raged at his father, at his mother, at SEELE, at Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, Rei, EVERYONE. He raged because he had been pathetic, he raged because he was weak, he raged because he allowed himself to live in a delusion of his own making. He raged because there was nothing else, because nothing could fill him, nothing could let him accept the reality he called his any more.

And he felt _hatred._

He felt hatred for it all, for everything, for everyone, with such a deep, unerring sense of betrayal, for leaving him alone, for sending him back, for abandoning him when he needed them. For everything, for his life, for his weakness, for his fear and loss and the lies he told himself. He felt such unerring hatred for his father, for _abandoning_ him, for Ritsuko and Misato, always _lying_ to him, for Rei, for _ignoring_ him, for Asuka, who was always _belittling_ him, for his mother, for _leaving_ him, and for himself, most of all, for _letting it all happen_.

And he _hated_ the Angels so, because all of his pain, all of his rage, all of suffering and humiliation, all of his loss, all of his failure, came from _them._

And he would make them _pay_ for that.

His fingers flipped the toggle for the progressive dagger in his left pauldron, the blade flipping out, handle open to him, which he grabbed and flicked into the ready position. The hypersonic vibrating edge hummed softly in his palm, the teeth of the supersonic edge already grinding against the air. Shinji grinned, and let his fingers tighten against the weapon.

And then he used it to slice Shamshel's elongated mouth _off_.

The screech was deafening, and Shinji reveled in the sound of the Angel's pain.

With a strength that shouldn't have been possible, the Evangelion gripped the left arm of the serpentine beast, the arm whose whip was holding his Eva's throat, and ripped the protrusion clean off of it. The whip died instantly, and using that leverage, Shinji forced his way out of the creature's rib-claws, shattering them from the force of the action. Already the end of the mouth that had been holding him fell off, flopping on the ground like some kind of demented fish.

Prog knife in hand, he carved off the other protrusion, freeing his other hand in the process, and with both arms free, he all but tore the creature off of his body and tossed it away, flattening several buildings in the process.

The Evangelion tackled the creature, not even having bothered to stand, but rather, simply rolled onto the balls of it's feet and jumped the distance between the two. It took only moments for the Evangelion to straddle and pin the creature, even as it whined pitifully. The sun glared off of the silver-grey helmet of Unit 01, paint stripped clean off by the Angel's toxic bile, giving it a hideously skull-like appearance. And like Death itself, Shinji began a most gruesome task.

Using one arm to pin the head of Shamshel to the ground, he reached into the broken ribcage of the serpent and clutched at its exposed spine. The claws on its fingers pierced the soft underbelly like wet tissue paper, and wrapped around the Angel's spine, all the while the creature itself whipping wildly, frantically, all for naught pinned under the man-made machination.

Seconds passed, and then Shinji pulled. Once. Crimson lifeblood splattered across the Eva's chest. Twice. Shamshel let off a pitiful screech and bucked one last time. A third time, and the bones separated from the body, a violent cracking sound echoing through the deserted streets of Tokyo 3. And then a fourth, in which Unit 01 pulled the whole of the Angel's spine clear from it's body in a grotesque display of overbearing power.

Then, and only then, did Unit 01 stand, blood drenched and battle scarred. Under its boot lay the still whole core. In one singular, final movement, the Eva's boot crushed it. With nary a flicker, the glowing crimson core of the Fourth Angel lost its luster and died.

And through it all, Shinji smiled.

_~End Chapter Four~_

Author's Note: Well, there's chapter four for you. I hope I didn't disappoint, considering the long hiatus inbetween this chapter and the last. I'm sorry about that, but I had way too much to do this semester, and to be honest, this was probably one of the hardest chapters I've written yet. This is version fourteen, believe it or not. I wrote, rewrote, scrapped and then did it all over again several times and I'm still not 100% happy with this, but that comes more from me being obsessed with perfection than anything else. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed it and I'll try to be somewhat quicker with my updates, considering I have the next month off from classes so I can concentrate on hammering our chapter five.

Following that, I hope that you enjoyed tha Angel fight at the end. I admit that I embellished the powers of he fourth angel for the purpose of sprucing up the battle. Really, I wasn't happy with how that fight looked. It was brief, and there really wasn't much going on combat wise. In the series that fight went a long ways to forging the friendship between Shinji and Toji and Kensuke, but with that aspect nulled thanks to fanfic continuety, I was forced to find an alternative. I'm really happy with my final product as far as that goes. Did you guys like it? You gotta tell me. Constructive criticism only, k? Flames will be mocked. Verily.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say. Again, a huge shoutout to my girl and editor, whom informs me that I have an unhealthy relationship with the word Really. Love ya Kath! Also, in classical plug tradition, big props to Acadamia Nut and his amazing Thousand Shinji series. Check it out, seriously. It's one of my personal favorites. That having been said, I'm out!

_~Ja ne_

Music of Inspiration:

Passive/The Outsider -- A Perfect Circle

Select scores from the Xenosaga 3 soundtrack

Monoral -- Kiri

Select scores from the Kingdom of Heaven soundtrack (which came off as oddly appropriate for this fic in general)

Green Bird -- Yoko Kanno

Hurt -- Nine Inch Nails


End file.
